Dear Coach – Special Edition

Oh my friends – we’ve got a good one for you this week.  My tummy hurts from laughing so hard.  My buddy Eli Pacheco, AKA Coach Daddy, is filling in for me this week.  Oh my friends.  When he sent me these replies, I almost spit an entire glass of water on my computer screen.  I hope you enjoy these as much as we did here at the Hotel Thompson.  Please be sure to visit his blog and show him some love.  Tell him that Bacon sent you 🙂

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Dear Coach Daddy,

I’m not a kitten anymore. I want to look … sophisticated. I’ve changed many behaviors already. I won’t chase yarn balls, and I never fall for the light-on-the-floor trick. Well, rarely. I recently discovered some makeup stored near my litter box. What do you think? Chic, or no?  Signed,  Meeee-yowza

Dear Meeee-yowza,

That is a mature look. Eye makeup does work sometimes, on some discriminating cats. Jenni-purr Lawrence, for example. With your skin tone, you might consider the natural look. Or consult Arlene, from Garfield fame. Now there’s a cat who can wear makeup.  Signed,  Coach Daddy

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Dear Coach Daddy,

My two brothers and I are inseparable. We dig holes side by side. We bury bones side by side. We even circle up and mark a fire hydrant side by side. Recently, though, one of us has fallen victim to flatulence. I’m certain it isn’t me, but it’s unbearable. What can we do?  Signed, Silent but Deadly

Dear Silent but Deadly,

I take it you all are reading this. I cannot diagnose you, or prevent it from happening. Whoever the skunky one is can perhaps bark when you poot, to mask the sound. I have nothing to mask the smell, unfortunately. Perhaps lay off the Snausages?  Signed,  Coach Daddy

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Dear Coach Daddy,

I need dating advice. I’ve heard the ladies have a soft spot for the pug, but I don’t see it happening. I even work out and eat eggs for a beautiful coat. I read online that fancy urination is all the rage in Europe. I think this pose will be a lady killer. What do you think of it?  Signed,  Zorro of the Pee Pee

Dear Zoro of the Pee Pee,

That’s quite some form, and I’m certain for the right audience, it’ll be a real hit, especially when your audience is in heat. It’s overdone, though. I’d suggest some flair – maybe try to spell your beloved’s name with your stream. A man has to make a name for himself, after all.  Signed, Coach Daddy

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Dear Coach Daddy,

Shh. I think I hear them coming. No, it’s clear. Listen. I came from a house full of cats when I was just a pup. Nowadays, I am an only pet in a happy home – but the cats, they still haunt my dreams. It’s as if they’re … watching me. Ever get that feeling?  Signed,  Nervous Nellie

Dear Nervous Nellie,

I know the feeling, girlfriend. It always seems like I’m tossing cats’ eyes on the dice. And when you turn and look? No one there. I’m glad you wrote. I thought I was the only one. I think you’re fine … but, I’d keep my back to the wall when you’re at the food bowl – just in case.  Signed,  Coach Daddy

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Dear Coach Daddy,

I’m a Great Dane who has always played by the rules. I never chew up shoes, mess on the sidewalk or bark at night. Recently, a spicy little Cavalier King Charles named Gigi has blown into my life like a dogcatcher’s net. She’s turned my life upside down.   She chews shoes, barks at night, and questions authority, as you can see in this photo I took of her. See? She’s such a rebel. Do you see a future for us?  Signed, Right-wing Rufus

Dear Rufus,

Love is a splendid mess, amigo. Maybe you and Gigi will give each other balance. She’ll show you how to toss caution to the wind and chase mailmen. You can show her the benefit of restraint and order. It looks to me like the start of something beautiful. You go dawg.  Signed,  Coach Daddy

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Thanks again to Coach to helping me out this week.  Be sure to check his blog out my friends.  And remember, Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU.  Please keep sending me your photographs and letters!