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Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – 20131208-210953.jpgLife is so not fair dude.  Life has become so politically correct lately that no wants to do the things they were doing before because they feel they don’t have to.  Do you know what I mean?  This is me.  I told my human I needed to go for a walk.  What do they do?  They give me the pan and sweeper, told me to walk myself and to clean up after myself.  What?  Isn’t that what the humans are suppose to do?  Not anymore they said.  They said that it wasn’t their poop and I needed to clean it myself.  Enough with this politically correct stuff already.  What do you say?  Signed Swifter

Dear Swifter – Oh pal, I so get you.  People are taking life way too serious and need to lighten up a bit.  Life is too short to be in a constant battle of being politically correct.  I say give back that pan and sweeper to the humans.  You are not playing that game.  If they don’t agree, I think a few strategic poop bombs will work – snorts.  Let me know how it works out for you okay.


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Dear Bacon – I don’t get it.  Everyday at the zoo, I come out to greet the humans.  They all make Batman jokes.  I just don’t get and understand it.  My name is Ben not Batman.  Do you get it and if you do can you please explain this to me.  Shakes bear head.  Signed Ben

Dear Ben – Smiles and oinks.  You see my friend there is the superhero called Batman.  Batman’s symbol is like the one here to the right.  I wanted to show you this picture because I need you to see what it looks like.  Now, I need you to go look in the mirror at your handsome chest.  Do you see the resemblance?  That’s right – nods head.  You are Batbear!  Snorts with piggy laughter.

I think personally that is a HUGE compliment.  You have the same markings as a superhero.  That makes *you* a superhero my friend.  Think about that.  You have talent.  I say work it up for all it’s worth and have fun with your markings.

.


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Dear Bacon – squeaks!  For my birthday, all I asked for was one little thing. I wanted a Radio Flyer.  The small human here has one and they play with theirs all of the time.  It looks like so much fun.  I wanted one too.  That way the little human could pull me around the house and have fun.  The day of my birthday, I woke up and guess what?!  I had my Radio Flyer!  Have you ever been in one?  I feel like I can fly!  What do you think?  Do I make this Radio Flyer?  Signed Pig on Wheels

Dear Pig on Wheels – Awesome my friend.  You totally rock that look and look like you are having the time of your life.  I’ve never been in a Radio Flyer.  I think I may need to add one to my Christmas list this year.  I think  could get use to sitting in it and having people pull me all around.  Squeals with delight – carry on and have fun!

.


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Dear Bacon – Is it working?  I saw the hunk of my dreams walk by.  I’ve heard on television that one way the humans attract their mates is to flip their hair.  I thought I would give it try.  What do you think? Yes or no?  Signed Fluffy

Dear Fluffy – hubba hubba my sweet.  I think it is so working.  You flipped that hair so seductively.  If you flipped it my way, I would be so taken with your beauty and wonder.  If your friend doesn’t catch on, let me know.  Call me okay.

.


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Dear Bacon – That stinking purr thing has ticked me off for the last time.  Every time I turn around, Mr. Giggles does something to *me* and then blames me for anything and everything when the humans are looking.  Mr. Giggles steals my puppy food, drinks my water and sleeps in my masters bed near his head.  Enough of this.  I’m a dog in charge.  Mr. Giggles is going to get it in three, two, one – BOOM.  Signed Mr. Pooky

Dear Pooky – Shakes piggy head.  First off my friend, I thought your humans were a little eccentric naming the kitty Mr. Giggles.  Then I saw your name, Mr. Pooky.  Not like there is anything wrong with that, it’s just unique.  Have you thought this through all of the way?  If you scare the giggles out of Mr. Giggles, rolls eyes, can you imagine what he is going to do to you for payback?  Cause you know it’s going to happen my friend.  I’d say rethink the situation and see possibly how you can set him up like he does to you.  Maybe take one of Mr. Giggles furballs and strategically place it on your master’s pillow.  That might be a better route.  Not that I would know anything like that or not.  Looks innocent and whistles.

 

 
15 Comments

Posted by on July 18, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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Dear Houdini

That’s right – you read that correctly.  Bacon is letting me fill in for him this week.  He doesn’t think I can do Dear Bacon.  Let me know what you think sweet friends ❤


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Dear Houdini – This is not funny.  Really it’s not.  My human is crazy.  Can you save me please?  Signed Potato in Waiting

Dear Potato in Waiting – BARKS!  I gotta admit that it’s a little funny.  Really think about it.  How many anipals can say they look like a hot potato and you are hot.  I say save the look for Halloween and go for it.  You will win so many contests for originality and beauty.


20131208-211622.jpgDear Houdini – I heard about your accident the other day with a pillow that exploded at the Hotel Thompson.  I *know* you can relate.  You *have* to relate.  I was sitting on the front porch minding my own business when this cushion suddenly blew up for no apparent reason.  I was just as shocked as everyone else.  Signed Mystified

Dear Mystified – I know!  It’s unbelievable how those things happen out of the blue – spontaneous combustion does happen.  It is highly documented.  I think pillows only do this when dogs are around so that we can personally take the blame.  Yeah – that has to be it.  Surely it’s not because of something us sweet devout pooches did.  No way!  I say cover yourself my friend.  No camera documentation means you didn’t do it.  I’m sticking to that story and you should too!


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Dear Houdini – I know you are just a mere dog but let me tell you something, I’ve earned my stripes.  I’m fierce.  I’m strong.  I’m a rocking cat that can shake your world if you don’t obey me.  You just remember that about us cats okay.  Cats rule and dogs drool!  Signed Stripes

Dear Stripes – Barks and laughter!   Wait a minute while I pick myself up from laughing and rolling around here on the floor.  Cats rule and dogs drool – too funny.  Okay maybe we dogs do drool when we are excited but there is no way that cats rule – sorry Hemi.  Us doggies are higher on the who is in charge chain.  And your stripes – oh my dog!  Really?  Walk away from the sun my friend and tell me about those stripes then – Barks!


 

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Dear Houdini – There I was sitting on the sofa from another long day of working on the farm.  I was so exhausted.  I had the television on for sound and that’s when I saw it.  A commercial for a dating service for Farmers Only.  WOW!  I never knew it existed.  Do you think I have a chance with a lady?  Signed Stetson

Dear Stetson – YES you do.  We all have chances.  And how could anyone say no to a cowboy hat?  Mommy says those are hot!


20131208-211746.jpgDear Houdini – There is a problem with this slide.  Really there is.  I slide down it all of the time.  But this date, I did’t slide.  What the hamster world happened?  Signed Stuck

Dear Stuck – Perhaps it was too dry to slide down. Perhaps you have more fluff than usual and it was a little tight?  It could happen.  I know sometimes my t-shirts get a little snug like that and I have to cut back a bit.  And then perhaps you just need a gentle push?  Call me if you need some assistance.  I’ll get the jaws of life out to get you out of a tight spot.  In the meantime, take it easy okay.

 

 
30 Comments

Posted by on July 11, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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Dear Bacon

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Dear Bacon,
Why do the humans dress us up in clothes?  It really disturbs me.  I look like a giant bumblebee.  What do you think?  Signed Buzz

Dear Buzz,

You know you really do look cute though.  My human dresses me up.  I let her.  Do you know why?  Even though we may look extremely stupid, the humans enjoy it.  It brings a smile to my mom’s face every single time.  Knowing that, it’s worth it looking silly.  I say enjoy your human interaction and continue bringing a smile to their face my friend.  If that’s all it takes to make them happy, so be it. And the upside, they usually give us treats afterwards, right?  🙂


20130601-000233.jpgDear Bacon,
Hey little guy – we laugh all of the time.  It’s what we do.  We would love for you to come out and visit.  We would make room for you.  What do you think?  Signed The Three Amigos

Dear The Three Amigos,

That is an awesome picture my friends.  I’m sure there is somewhere I could go with ya’ll laughing but I just can’t put my snout on it.  Ya’ll look so happy!  I will so be there running with ya’ll…. when I overcome my anti-nature stance.  It will happen.  Don’t count me out yet from all of the fun!


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Dear Panchetta,
I am an artist!  Do not think twice of me on my drinking.  It inspires my inner soul.  I would like to paint you – all of you since you are a plus size piggy.  Would you pose for me?  Signed Raphael Chickatello

Dear Raphael Chickatello,

WOW – I am honored… I think.  I really don’t think that I am old enough to pose in any of your paintings.  I think you should move on to maybe cows.  That’s it – cows.  I think cows should be your muse.  They are so much more to work with than just me… a little pig.  Carry on my friend and paint to your hearts content.


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Dear Bacon,
Insert spy music.  The humans think they are so smart in putting out these ‘traps’.  They hurt!  But never fear, this is how we really get the cheese without setting them off.  Now you know our secrets!  Signed Top Mouse

Dear Top Mouse,

I love that move!  I wonder if there is enough wire to suspend me over something delicious.  It looks like a hoot!  You definitely have the moves my friend.  Keep it up my secret friend!


20130601-000309.jpg Dear Bacon,

I know you’re probably wondering why I’m smiling, right?  Well, the human will shortly find out when he slips on his shoes – bark bark.  Signed Frisky

Dear Frisky,

No wonder you are in the back yard in nature.  Leaving little ‘gifts’ like that is not helping your cause of staying inside where it’s cool in the middle of the hot summer. Think about it my friend.  You might want to rethink your gift policies.

 

 

 
10 Comments

Posted by on July 4, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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Dear Bacon

20140111-195536.jpg Dear Bacon – This is the pits.  No, I mean it really.  It’s not bad enough that my humans put these ridiculous pajamas on me.  Now I have to wear the cone of shame.  AND they sat me in a make shift bed which is really an old potty box with a blanket.  Really?  This is how they treat me.  Can you give me a word of encouragement my piggy friend?  Signed Cat in the Hat

Dear Cat in the Hat – You know my friend.  You are looking at this all wrong.  Look at it from the positive prospective.  They put pajamas on you – I’m guessing – so that you wouldn’t scratch whatever you had done surgically, right?  Then they put the pitiful projector on your head so you couldn’t lick or bite that particular surgical spot, right?  AND then they put you in a comfortable spot with a blankie so you would be comfy.  See, look at it from this perspective.  Do you know what all of that adds up to this little piggy?  To me, it says your humans care for you way more than you think and want you to be comfortable during this duration.  Instead of looking at it from your point of view, take it from my point of view.  And let me add, suck it up for all it’s worth – humans love that when they think they’ve done something to you 🙂


20140111-195548.jpg Dear Bacon –  Can you believe my humans have the audacity to blame ‘me’ – innocent cute little ‘me’ – as stealing one of their valuable orange crunchy things they snack on while watching television?  Me.  There is no way they can pin this crime on me.  There is no proof!  Signed Cheeto

Dear Cheeto – Do me a favor my friend.  Go to your nearest mirror and look at yourself.  Go ahead.  I’l wait.  Whistles while waiting and taps hooves.  Oh good you are back.  Did you see that incriminating evidence on your cute little face?  The orange stuff my friend.  That would be evidence of eating your humans prized Cheetos.  By your name, I’m thinking this is not your first run in with the law on being busted for this crime.  Might I make a suggestion for future escapades?  Once you have partaken of the evil Cheeto, go drink some water out of your bowl with delight.  I mean slush that water around on your cute little face to wash the orange stuff off.  No proof means it didn’t happen my friend.  Happy eating.


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Dear Bacon – I was cold.  It was freezing in this house.  My humans like to hang me as they so delightfully like to say.  Don’t worry about us little pooches.  I had to resort to the last step and wrap myself like a hot dog.  It does the trick especially with the sun coming in from the window.  Have you ever been this cold?  Signed Cold Dog

Dear Cold Dog – WOW.  I say if you’re cold, go for it my friend.  I’m one of the very few here with us anipals that love it cold.  I’m with my mom and like you said, we like to hang meet here at the Hotel Thompson.  The colder the better.  Heck, if we could skip over summer we would so do so.  Stay warm my friend!


20140111-195606.jpgDear Bacon – Here is my brother.  He is so weird.  I was looking down at the dog just minding my own business.  That’s when Patches (my bro) jumped up and pulled my head up.  What was so important that he wanted me to see you ask?  The humans were cooking breakfast.  Something smelled so delightful.  They call it bacon.  I’m just wondering.  Do you know what this glorious smell is?  Signed Matches

Dear Matches – I know exactly what that awful stuff called bacon is.  It’s horrible.  Such a bad thing to ever try.  Some humans get addicted to it.  See, that’s how bad it is for you cats.  Once hooked, they can’t go back.  And I for one can guarantee you that you don’t want to get hooked on that bad drug.  Yeah, it’s a bad drug.  Better steer far away from it my friends.  I wouldn’t want it to stunt your growth or anything.  Snorts!

 


20140111-195617.jpgDear Bacon – Don’t you jussst love my new ssssweater?  I got it for my birthdaysss.  I just love to sssslither around the house wearing itsss.  I think it makesss me ssslim and bringsss out the color of my eyessss.  What do you thinksss?  Signed Sexy and I Know It

Dear Sexy and I Know It – As long as YOU think you are sexy and you know it, does it really matter what anyone else thinks?  You rock that sweater around your house all you want.  Perhaps maybe next time your humans can get you a longer one?  Keep slithering there where you are my friend.

.

.

.

 

 
13 Comments

Posted by on June 27, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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Dear Bacon

20140111-195437.jpgDear Bacon – It’s so hot!  I mean really HOT.  I can’t take it anymore.  I don’t even have the stamina to look for nuts.  I can’t even move from this limb.  Can you help a squirrel out?  Signed Hot in Atlanta

Dear Hot in Atlanta – I feel for you my friend.  It is so H.O.T. here in Atlanta.  I moved from my bedroom to the living room and was almost sweating.  I need winter back.  Come on over to the Hotel Thompson.  You can crash with Journalist Rocky the Squirrel in his air conditioned treehouse in the backyard.


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 Dear Bacon –  There is always that *one* family member that you just roll your eyes.  This is us trying to take a serious family picture for our dad for Father’s Day.  Do you see how well that worked out?  Stupid on the end has to make faces.  What to do my friend?  Signed Classy

Dear Classy – Snorts.  You know your dad might just appreciate that look on your siblings face.  I mean if he is the family clown – him looking serious might not be a fun picture.  I say go for it my friends.  It’s better to laugh than cry!


 20140111-195456.jpgDear Bacon – Rosie was having a bad day so I offered her a shoulder to cry on to get past her woes.  That was three hours and now she is asleep.  I don’t dare wake her but my shoulder – I can’t feel it anymore.  It’s past the tingling stage.  It’s now at the do-I-even-have-an-arm-there-anymore stage.  Have you ever been stuck like this?  Signed Big Brother

Dear Big Brother – You are the man my friend.  That was so thoughtful of you to have a leaning shoulder not only to cry on but to sleep on.  Of course, you can’t wake her.  After what she has been through – whatever that might be – a leaning shoulder from big brother will make all of the bad go away.  I’ve done it a time or two with Mouse Girl.  Awesome job my friend!


20140111-195508.jpgDear Bacon – There I was my fellow pig.  Eating my carrots and minding my own business.  That’s when it happened.  I heard the refrigerator door open.  You know that sound, right?  The sound of freedom. The sound that says the store is open.  Squeals!  There’s so many good things in that cold box.  Don’t you feel the same?  I couldn’t help but suck in air and squeal.  I wanna go shopping in that place!  What about you?  Signed Bandit

Dear Bandit – I feel you my fellow pig and squealer.  I love that huge cold box.  It has such mysteries of delights stored in it – from cold stuff to frozen stuff.  Once I opened the freezer and was sucking on ice cubes when mom busted me.  Why ice cubes?  Why not.  They tasted so delicious and were so cold in my piggy tummy!  Let me know if you get to go shopping in there.

 
16 Comments

Posted by on June 20, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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Dear Bacon

20130531-230700.jpgDear Bacon – Summer really stinks.  It’s totally hot and uncomfortable.  All I can do is stand in front of the fan and let the breeze overtake me.  I just have to do something to cool me down.  Signed Flappy

Dear Flappy – Hey pal, whatever you need to do to keep you cool I say go for it!  Momma is a firm believer in her fan in this hot summer.  Can’t we just skip over that season?  I’m all for it.  Let’s start a petition.  What do you think?


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Dear Bacon – Hubba hubba little man.  I find you so fascinating.  I can’t believe a pig like you is still single.  What do you say we fix that problem?  Signed I Do

Dear I Do Don’t – Not that I’m totally not appreciative or anything but I’m just not ready to settle down like that.  You’re totally beautiful and I think you will find the perfect pig one day.  Don’t give up my friend.


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Dear Bacon – You talk about that Houdini at the Hotel Thompson a lot of different times.  I just want you to know that I think I’m more spoiled than he is.  My humans actually dress me up too.  It’s a pain in the rump area but hey it makes them laugh.  You ever think about dressing up?  Signed Prissy

Dear Prissy – First off – you look adorable in your little outfit.  Your face doesn’t *look* like you’re enjoying it but hey if the humans are happy, right?  Second off – Houdini is a fussy little character.  He is strictly a mommy’s boy and I just don’t see him letting me ‘dress’ him.  I on the other hand let mom dress me up from time to time.  Like you said, it makes the humans happy and smile.  That’s our jobs!


20130531-230749.jpgDear Bacon – Have you ever heard of the Red Hat Society?  I’m a member and they have monthly meetings.  I think you need to look it up in your area and do a posting on it.  I think it would be fascinating.  Signed  Fun Times

Dear Fun Times – I’ll do that!  I’ve heard mom talk about it with her friends.  There’s also purple hats, right?  🙂 See, I do pay attention even though sometimes mom doesn’t think so.  You wear that hat with pride and look forward to a posting in the future my friend.

 
16 Comments

Posted by on June 13, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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Dear Bacon

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Dear Bacon – Listen the water is fine my four legged pot bellied piggy.  Why don’t you come for a swim with me.  I’ll even teach you how to swim under the water.  I’m sure you will catch on fast.  What do you think?  Signed Mr. Friendly

Dear Mr. Friendly – Not that I don’t appreciate your well… friendness but I think I’ll pass.  For some reason, I think it’s better for this little oinker to stay on dry land, far away from the water and far, far away from your swimming lessons. Call it a premonition if you will.  But, carry on my friend and thank you… really.


20140330-183833.jpgDear Bacon – I see you – purr snicker.  I have my eyes on your activities good or bad.  I’m reporting back to that Evil Elf of yours Don Juan.  You just wait.  You’re going to get it when he comes out in November.  Signed The Watcher

Dear The Watcher – Really?!  It’s not bad enough that I have rogue elf that watches my every move, you’re going to as well?  Rolls piggy eyes and walks away.  This is so not fair in this oinker’s life.  Can’t we all just get along?  Snorts


 

20140330-183825.jpgDear Bacon – The nerve of our family vet.  Can you believe that (A) they had the nerve to come near my captains quarters with that proby thing and (B) they told my humans that *I* needed to go on a DIET?!  What in the world was he thinking?  Don’t my humans pay for his sound advice?  What kind of crap advice is this?  I think the look on my face tells you everything I think.  Signed Tiny

Dear Tiny – Oh dear.  That proby thing is awful.  It must be a torture device from centuries long ago.  Yep, that’s what I think.  And that look on your face.  Oh my.  You are certainly not happy.  And well… looks down at my pot belly.  I am one NOT to give any advice to you on that four lettered dirty word – D.I.E.T.  Shakes head – nope.  Not the one to do that at all my friend.


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Dear Bacon – I double kitty dare you to try this maneuver.  Heck, I triple meow dare you.  I dare you to put your back legs up over your head.  In fact if you can do this position, I will personally come over every day and give you a piggy massage – heck I’ll even clean up your room for you.  Signed Fear Factor Feline

Dear Fear Factor Feline – Really?!  That’s okay my furry friend.  That’s what I have my mommy for – massages and cleaning – snorts.  Let’s hope that cannon of yours doesn’t go off while you are bent legs over head.


 

20140330-183847.jpgDear Bacon – I hate it when I get into trouble here at my casa.  Can you believe that my humans make me face the couch and sit here in time out?  It’s so humiliating.  Signed Unhappy Pooch

Dear Unhappy Pooch – WOW my friend.  That is some look you have there facing your tomb of doom.  It’s just not right.  And to put you in this time out right in the middle of the living room where you can hear and see all of the fun activities going on around you.  Shakes piggy head and clicks tongue.  Nope, just not right.  I’m sorry pal.  Maybe when you come out of serving your time, you just ignore those humans.  Show them who is getting timeout there.  Don’t give them any affection.  None whatsoever… can you last like what five seconds?  Hang in there my bud!

 
14 Comments

Posted by on June 6, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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