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Dear Bacon

20121106-070748.jpgDear Bacon,

This is my scary pose.  Does it work?  I’m trying it out on different people but all they do is laugh.  What am I doing wrong?  Signed Vicious

Dear Vicious,

I hate to say it little fellow but that is so not scary.  The only thing scary in that pose are those huge claws – now that’s scary.  You doing that pose – I just want to tickle that little belly.  I’m sure as you get older, that pose may have more of an impact.  Right now though, you’re just a cute little thing… especially with that sunlight shining on you.  Maybe lose the pose and learn to bristle up that fur a bit.  That might be scary.  Let me know my friend.


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Dear Bacon,

I need some help.  I’m not sure what is going on.  Everyone that sees me starts singing some theme song of Star Wars.  I don’t get it.  Signed Ewok

Dear Ewok,

You don’t get out much do you?  You  need to go through your master’s video collection and find one marked Star Wars.  Watch it.  Watch it closely my friend and see if you notice anything in that movie that you’ve seen before…anything that looks familiar…. anything that maybe has the same name as you.  Love the look!


 

20121106-070855.jpgDear Bacon,

I get picked on all of the time.  You’re slow they say.  I can run faster than you they say.  You’re slower than creek water running down stream they say.  Well, I have found the light and the answer!  These days, I just use my handy dandy skate board.  What do you think?  Signed Tony “Tortoise” Hawk

Dear Tony “Tortoise” Hawk

I think you look fantastic little man!  What an awesome idea that you came up with.  Can’t wait to see you television racing the big guys!  Be safe!


20121106-070939.jpgDear Bacon,

Those pesky cats in the neighborhood were running through the trees.  I thought I would chase them.  You know, just to keep up their exercise.  They got me stuck between two trees.  Have you ever seen such misery?  Signed Woody

Dear Woody,

I would not have believed it if you didn’t send a picture to me.  WOW – you are stuck between two trunks and a hard place.  Hope you got unstuck fast.  Don’t be too hard on those purr things.


20121106-071118.jpgDear Bacon,

This is us, the TMNT, in the early days.  Even then we had style.  Never give up man and always dream big – it can happen to you like it did to us.  Signed Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael and Donatello

Dear TMNT,

Love you guys!  Mom said that you are making another come back.  I’ve watched some shows from the past.  I would love to be like ya’ll – can you use a pig in the mix?  I want a cool name too – just like ya’lls.  Keep safe and live prosper my new friends!

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7 Comments

Posted by on November 21, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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Dear Bacon

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Dear Bacon,
Spiders eeww.  Nobody likes them man.  I’m sorry little dude.  I saw one on the floor.  It was huge.  There was no other place to go.  The evil thing was in the doorway threatening my manhood.  I jumped on the first thing I could to get away from it.  Sink be it.  This is how my master found me.  This doesn’t make me less of a dog does it?  My fear of spiders?  Signed Sweetness

Dear Sweetness,

Well, it might take you down a couple of notches.  You’re name my take you down a few more.  You are my fellow friend are a dog.  A big dog at that.  You could have easily walked over that little spider and saved you some grace.  Unless that spider is as big as you, you are the bigger person.  Start dogging up.


 

20121120-062145.jpgDear Bacon,
Hey dude.  I read your blog all of the time.  I see people talking about yoga and I’ve seen some of the positions.  I gotta lot of stress in my life.  I thought I would try it.  WOW – it works great!  This is my zen trunk position.  It took me a long time to get the balancing together but it’s great now.  Have you tried it yet??  Signed Stingphant

Dear Stingphant,

That’s amazing!  I’m going to have to try some of these positions in my room when no one is looking, especially that Hemi.  It helps out in stress huh?  I really don’t have that much stress but I think over the holidays I’m going to try it.  I’ll keep you posted.


 

20121120-062543.jpgDear Bacon,
Who says zebras can’t be fast?  I’m tired of being the underzebra in the bush getting chased all of the time. I bought me a bike and it is the bomb!  Those pesky little cats can’t catch me anymore.  Whatcha think?  Signed Einstein

Dear Einstein,

I’m amazed!  First of all, you have the talent to ride a bike.  Second of all, I would have never thought about doing that to escape the cat.  But I do have a question.  How are you going to feel that thing up with gas when it runs out?  Just a thought to think about.  Stay safe my striped friend!


20121120-062701.jpgDear Bacon,
I love the water.  I just can’t get enough of it.  My favorite sport is water skiing.  Everyone said that due to my size that I would never be able to participate.  Well, I proofed them wrong.  Don’t let anyone say that you can’t do something.  You can.  Signed Geoffrey

Dear Geoffrey,

I’ve got to admit that if you can do that, I can do some of the things that I want to do in my life.  There’s nothing that can hold us back.  Thank you so much for the inspiration!


20121120-062807.jpgOkay pig –

You think *you* have problems with those pesky purr things.  I have problems.  My master has pet mice.  You know where I’m going.  You can’t eat the pets.  But this, this is taking things a little too far and asking me too much.  What am I to do?  Signed Heathcliff

Dear Heathcliff,

WOW – mom does walk around telling me not to eat the cats.  I don’t.  I may tug on their tails a little but it’s all out of love.  But mice hanging around the head.  Oh buddy, there’s got to be a line somewhere and that’s pushing it.  You might need to leave the room when the master has those play things out wondering around.  I can hold back a lot but that – no way!  Be strong!

 
5 Comments

Posted by on November 14, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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Dear Bacon

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Dear Bacon,
I’ve read your column recommending yoga and how everyone thinks its the best thing since sliced bread. I’m not a fan. I’m not sure what this position was suppose to be but it’s not natural. I guess it’s not meant for everyone.

Signed Pretzel

Dear Pretzel,
Well, you do look like you’re a little tied up there. What’s it like to be able to kiss your own butt? Snort


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Dear Bacon,
So I walked into a bar and ordered a beer. What’s wrong with that? I’m of age. Why not think its strange that the bartender served me?

Why does it have to be me with a problem?

Signed Cheers

Dear Cheers,

I don’t see a problem with that. If you can (A) walk into a bar; (B) order your own beer; (C) sit at the bar and (D) drink it, I say you deserve it. I salute you!


 

 Dear Bacon,20121127-005658.jpg
Do you ever have one of those days that you don’t know if your coming/going? If you need to eat or go wizzy? I had a moment and of course my dad had to take a picture. Who knows where it will show up next on the Internet. Signed Two Birds With One Stone

Dear Two Birds With One Stone,
Hey little man, no worries. Sometimes life happens. You’re hungry and you have to go. I’ll tell you a little secret. At times when I go wizzy for mom on my piggy pad, she will feed me a carrot while I’m going. Hey, whatever you gotta do my friend for food, do it.


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Dear Bacon,
I’m like you. I have a short leg challenge. There’s lots of things I can’t do either because of those challenged little legs. I found the perfect solution – stilts. They do take some getting used to but hey no more short legs. You gotta get a pair of these things and try them. Signed Vertically Challenged

Dear Vertically Challenged,
You do look a lot taller. Mine would have to be taller. You know, to make room for my garage of a belly. 🙂 snort They do look like fun. I’m wondering if I could get mom to make me some for fun? I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

 
14 Comments

Posted by on November 7, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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Dear Bacon

 

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Dear Bacon – We heard about your mission in life on becoming a Super Hero and wanting a cape.  I think me and my brother will start a petition for you.  With enough signatures, I think we can get your mom to get you at least dressed for the occasion.  Super hero powers are something that you are born with.  We’ve read enough of your blog to know that with enough thrust, you can fly.  So, you’re half way there our friend.  Signed Batdog and Robin

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Dear Batdog and Robin – Thanks my friends!  Ya’ll look totally awesome in your outfits.  I am so working on mom for my cape.  I could use all of the help I can get!


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Dear Bacon – Don’t believe everything you read.  Having a cape isn’t always the best thing in the world.  My humans make me wear this cape and then make me sit in the corner.  Why?  Ask me why piggy?  Because I got so excited with my cape that I might have tinkled on the carpet.  What did they expect?  So, they sat me in the corner with my cape on for time out.  How embarrassing!  Take it from me little guy.  Don’t whizzle with excitement.  Signed Super Tinkle

Dear Super Tinkle – I’m so sorry my friend.  That look on your face says everything.  At least they could have removed your cape before putting you in time out.  What super hero gets put in time out?  Having a cape is exciting.  I really can’t tell how I will act.  But, thanks for the heads up to contain myself – whizzle and all.


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Dear Bacon – Be very specific in what you ask for in a cape.  I too always wanted one.  I just should have been a little more specific in the details.  You know like, nothing over my head.  Save that material to cover my goodies.  I mean really.  What super hero is out there with his goodies showing?  I feel like a pervedog.  Help.  Signed Spider Perve

Dear Spider Perve – WOW – thank you so much my little friend.  I really never thought about specifics in my cape.  You are so right.  I really need to be detailed on what I want in a cape.  Okay – nothing on the piggy head but covering the bottom half – got it.  Yeah, you are so right my friend!


20130820-052340.jpgDear Bacon – Okay, I like turtles and I play with them in my back yard.  Yes, I wanted to be a Super Hero.  Where in the world did I go wrong with my parents?  Why would they dress me like a TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle) and think that was what I wanted in my Super Hero outfit?  Really?  Learn from me pal, have an open conversation with your humans.  Signed Turtle Dog

Dear Turtle Dog – Does it help that you look cute and adorable?  Okay, maybe that doesn’t help but you do.  Personally, I wouldn’t go for the mask but at least your goodies are covered – snorts.  And hey, the shell on your back could be a good thing.  Just think if you fall, you have the comfort of some padding.  I do appreciate the heads up my friend.


Dear Bacon – 20130820-052401.jpg Just remember, Super Hero’s come in all shapes and sizes – not just dogs and cats.  We can ALL be a Super Hero in some fashion.  My humans got it right in my cape.  It actually gives me just a tad bit of room to grow in.  It’s so roomy that I can move.  That’s important when you are doing your ninja kicks.  I hope you get your cape soon my friend.  Fly with Confidence!  Signed Super Piggy

Dear Super Piggy – Thanks my friend.  You are so full of confidence and that really inspires me.  It reminds me of an old saying that my mommy says all of the time, “Bloom where you are planted.”  I guess that could mean us anipals as well, huh?  Keep up the great work my little Super Hero.  Hope to see you flying in the skies soon.

 
19 Comments

Posted by on October 31, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – Busted!  But I tell you, I was set up.  Really I was.  You see, I saw the two legged kid in the house outside the other day making what he called mud pies.  I thought why couldn’t I make one?  They look delicious.  And trust me that kid was covered but no he didn’t get into trouble.  I get out there and start making pies and the entire world is coming to an end.  What do you think of that?  Signed Pie Maker

Dear Pie Maker – Personally, I don’t think that is the kind of pies that you eat.  Perhaps you can roll around in it to be cool – my kind has been doing that for years.  But to eat – shakes piggy head no.


  Dear Bacon – The humans left the house – check.  Got my bath in – check.  Got my robe on – check.  Got my snacks – check.  Got the remote – check.  There I was preparing to watch my show on television, America’s Top Bitches, then it happened. The humans came back home early.  What the cream cheese?!  What did they expect I was going to do while they were out – lay on the floor and take a nap?  Signed Comfy

Dear Comfy – I’m with you on that one my friend.  If my humans came home during my show, they would just have to pull up, sit down and shut up until the show was done.  I mean we are talking priorities here.


Dear Bacon – Help!?  My humans they watch Star Wars way too much.  This is how they are dressing me up for Halloween.  Lord help me.  One of my humans will be Darth Vader and the other Luke Skywalker.  Then there’s me in the middle.  The nerve of them to make me go out in this attire!  Signed Princess Leia

Dear Princess Leia – I got a couple of things to say my dear.  First – hubba hubba.  I love that outfit on you – you are gorgeous.  I’m sure the real Princess Leia is full of envy with the way you wear that hair.  Second up – you have to admit that the costumes will be original and that’s awesome.  Just think you will stand out among your peers.  Everyone will want to be you.  And you know for doing this, you will probably get extra treats.  I say wear it with style and look on the bright side you gorgeous babe!


  Dear Bacon – This is how we greet our human when he comes home from work.  This just shows to him what we think of him as royalty by being his welcome committee.  What do you think?  Signed Two Statues

Dear Two Statues – It’s okay my friends.  You can tell me.  You really stay there when he comes home to remind him of the royalty YOU are and that it is feeding time.  It will be our little secret and we won’t tell.  Zip – not a word.  I wish our stairs could support me on them… what am I talking about?  We don’t have stairs – snorts!


Dear Bacon – This photobomb thing has gone too far.  Every time I try to take a picture to post on my Pet Harmony account, this dog jumps in either behind, beside or in front.  What am I to do?  Signed Looking for Love

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Dear Looking for Love – Shaking piggy head.  You know my friend, brothers/sisters can be a pain in the rump in the house.  Might I suggest you to post HIS picture on Pet Harmony.  If he had a friend, he would surely leave you alone.  That would give you more time to find you a mate.


 

Remember my dear friends that Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU.  Please keep sending your pictures and letters to my email address.  

 
14 Comments

Posted by on October 24, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – I don’t understand.  I think I need help.  You see.  Every time I smile, my eyes crossed.  I’ve tried holding my face straight.  I’ve tried closing my eyes and opening them at the last minute.  I’ve tried even holding my breath.  Nothing works.  This is the look I get every single time.  What in the world am I doing wrong?  Can you help?  Signed Happy Cross Eyes.

Dear Happy Cross Eyes – You know my friend, sometimes life throws us twists and turns. It’s how we handle these mountains and curves that makes us who we are.  Instead of dwelling on your look, embrace it my friend.  Not everyone can look as happy as you.  I would market that look – just think of your face and smile on coffee cups, calendars, posters – the possibilities are endless – and so is the money.  Make it work my friend. And do me a favor when you hit it big – remember this little oinker that believed in YOU!


Dear Bacon – Do you need a kiss?  Cause I’m here for YOU my sexy little piggy.  When my human asked me what I wanted to be this year for Halloween, I knew.  A kiss just for YOU.  You help all of these people in the world and I want to help you.  What do you say?  You wanna dress up with me?  Signed Chocolate Kisses

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Dear Chocolate Kisses – What can I say?  That’s a proposition that I just can’t turn down.  And why would I, right?  So I tell you what I’m going to do.  I’m going to get mommy to dress me up as a giant peanut butter cup … cause you know chocolate and peanut butter go together, right?  I’ll keep you posted on my outfit okay.  Until then, Happy Halloween..


Dear Bacon – There we were hanging out in the house having a great time while the humans were away.  Yaki – he might have drunk too much.  That brother of mine – he can’t hold his milk like he used to do in the old days.  This is how the humans found us.  Of course, they thought exactly what you are thinking, that I was dunking his head in the throne.  Nah, I wouldn’t do that to Yaki.  I was holding his ears back while he was throwing up.  See, I’m the nice guy.  Signed Teri and Yaki

Dear Teri and Yaki – I am shocked and somewhat astonished – perhaps even surprised.  I will admit it.  I did think you were baptizing him in the water.  I was wrong for sure.  That is very nice of you to help your brother out of a bad situation.  I say bravo and well done.  I think you may even get the big brother of the year award..


Dear Bacon – Aaww crappers!  There I was sunning myself in the open air minding my own business. I must have fell asleep.  I was so warm and content.  Then when I woke up, I was stuck on a rock and was in a hard place.  The water had went down and I literally was wobbling there.  The only thing I could move were my feet and head.  I wobbled forward.  I wobbled backwards.  Finally, I rocked enough that I fell into the water.  Trust me – you don’t want to do this.  Signed Wobbles

Dear Wobbles – oh my friend.  I’m so glad you were finally able to wobble off that rock.  I can just imagine how you would feel stuck there.  And you are right – this pot belly does not want to be stuck on a rock and hard place.  Take care my friends.


Dear Bacon – Why do humans want to dress us anipals up this time of the year?  Can you answer that for me please.  I mean I get it that they want to dress up, go door to door and have parties.  But, why us anipals?  Why do we have to get pulled in to their hysteria?  Let us stay at home alone and do our thing.  Cause what the humans don’t understand it that we will party our own way, am I right?  Signed Ted in Disguise

Dear Ted in Disguise – AMEN!  You said it perfectly.  Yes I agree that the humans don’t understand that we will celebrate this Halloween holiday in our own right.  Let them go out and do their thing – we will do our thing.  Take for instance me.  This little oinker has worked all month long on my 31 Days of Spook.  By Halloween, I’m going to be exhausted and barely moving.  When the humans go out for the night, I’m hitting the big bed, turning on the big television, setting the Select Comfort to around 65 and that’s where you will find me snoozing and snoring.  Is it Halloween yet?  Have fun on your night my friend.  And let me tell you something – I think you are dressed up enough with those glasses.  I love them!

 

 
8 Comments

Posted by on October 17, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – I’ve made a grave mistake.  There was a hole in the back of this contraption.  I crawled in and when I did, it shut closed.  Now I’m stuck… I feel like a squirrel on display for the world to see.  The birds are pointing and laughing at me.  What am I to do?  Help?  Signed Mannequin Squirrel

Dear Mannequin Squirrel – WOW!  What can I say?  You do look awesome with your mannequin display.  I can say perhaps you should enjoy what you can… maybe take a seat and a quick bite of that delightful feed.  By the time you get done with your dinner, maybe the owner of the house will see you in your tight spot and help you out.  If not, can you jump and push the top off for a quick escape?  And don’t worry about the birds pointing and laughing.  Might you remind them that you have plenty of food to eat while you wait unlike them – snorts.


Dear Bacon – We like to put the warning out there for the humans.  If you cross the metal gates leading into our kingdom, be warned.  You will experience a death like no other from the ankles down.  We may be small and short but we have sharp teeth like a shark.  Just sayin’.  Does your little brother do the same?  Signed Harley and Davidson

Dear Harley and Davidson – Awesome idea my friends.  Truth is in the advertising.  If peeps are dumb enough to cross that warning, their ankles deserve what they get.  And yes.  Houdini has the sharpest teeth that I’ve ever felt.  That’s right – I said felt.  I feel them when he tries to hang off of my piggy tail and swing back and forth like I’m an amusement park.  The little guy has no respect for this pig – he thinks I’m his personal jungle gym.


Dear Bacon –  Honestly.  I was asleep the entire time that the master was away.  Really I was.  When I woke up, the front room cushions exploded.  I didn’t hear a thing!  Exploded I tell you.  Of course, I’m getting the blame.  But really it wasn’t me.  Signed Lab Shredder

Dear Lab Shredder – Darn those dust bunnies for striking again!  I believe you my friend.  I really do.  Dust bunnies sound cute and look kind of cute but all alone they can be little vultures that wreak havoc all over the house blaming us anipals.  Shakes and shivers from fear.  They can’t be trusted at all.  No way!  I say you need to hunt them down one by one and take care of them.  As far as you getting the blame for this.  If it wasn’t on video and there is nothing concrete showing you did it, I say they have to let you walk my friend.  No evidence means NOT GUILTY.  Lowers my hammer in my court room and says dismissed.


 Dear Bacon – It’s really not what it looks like.  Me and my friend were playing leap frog.  We see frogs do it all of the time and we thought we would try it.  We turned on the camera and started.  We posted this on Instagram and everyone went crazy saying that we were multi-flying.  No honestly we weren’t.  We were just playing a game.  What do you think?  Signed Doris and Rock

Dear Doris and Rock – Snorts with piggy laughter.  Whatever you kids are calling it this day, sure.  Just be safe my friends.

 

 
17 Comments

Posted by on October 10, 2017 in Bacon, Dear Bacon

 

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