Dear Stuart – SPECIAL ISSUE

This week, we have a wonderful guest helping out with our Dear Bacon issue.  This week, my pal Stuart is stepping in for me to do a special edition of Dear Stuart.  Be sure to visit him at his blog and check him out – let him know what a great job he did – thanks Stuart!

.

Dear Stuart,
My brother never misses a photo opportunity. People think he’s so happy. What they don’t realize is that during these happy times, he is letting out gas. Sometimes they’re SBD’s (silent but deadly). What’s a dog to do on the receiving end of this happiness? Signed Not So Happy

Dear Not So Happy,
Relish in the smells of life my friend!  You never know what funny memories you might conjure up as the four-legged ones try to figure out whodunit.  Just be sure they don’t think it’s YOU who’s passing along these little morsels of love.  Think of it this way:  perhaps Pharrell passed gas when he was H-A-P-P-Y.  That made him lots of money.  Smile along with your brother and maybe pass some gas of your own!  That’s what I do and I don’t even have a brother!  ArOOO, Stuart

.

Dear Stuart,
Is it safe? My human was riding their electronic broom around the house again. You know what I’m talking about. It makes a lot of noise and they say they are cleaning. I’m afraid if I get too close it will suck me up. Are you afraid of that thing? Any tips for me. Signed Scared in Black

Dear Scared in Black,
Be afraid.  Very afraid.  The electric broom goes by many aliases – Vacula, Vacooom, The Bad Machine…. they call it these things for a reason.  It WILL suck you up.  Steer clear.  I do.  Vrooom, Vrooom Stu

.

Dear Stuart,
They see me rolling and they’re hating. Can’t help it that my humans trust me behind the wheel. It’s a great way to pick up chicks. Do you know of any other way? Signed Boat Magnet

Dear Boat Magnet,
Well now, you’re looking mighty macho there Boat Magnet. Sweet. Too bad I’d sink like a bag of cement if I were to accompany you on your maritime hook-up runs. One wrong move and I’d be overboard. And not in a good way. Otherwise, I’d be right there beside you. Helping you navigate toward the more demure of the feminine species.   Funny you ask if I know of any other way to attract the fair sex. Well, actually, my Shepherd friend, I don’t have to do anything at all. Just be me. That’s all there is to it. Try it. You’d be surprised. Just show your belly and they come running. Let me know how it works for you, K?  Your friend, Chick Magnet Stuart

.

Dear Stuart,
I’m just not that kind or monkey. I don’t like to get wet. I wanted sushi and thought I could use this bamboo stick. Is there anything you don’t like that’s typically normal? Signed Sushkey

Sushkey! Stay outta those trees! Squirrels fall from trees sometimes where I live. I’d hate to have you take a tumble and hurt yourself. Nothing’s worth that my near-human-mammal-furiend. Not even sushi. Which I don’t like, by the way. I’m more of a vegetarian. Like you. Perhaps we should dine together in the near future? Since I don’t travel from limb to limb, you’ll have to do the Tarzan thing and swing over to my place. Green beans all the way around!  To answer your question….I typically don’t like things that others do. Guess I’m not a normal scottie?  ArOOO, Stuart

.

Dear Stuart,
Why? Why does this happen to me every single time. The cat takes my bed and leaves me with something I can barely put my fanny in. What’s a pooch to do? Help please. Signed Distressed Doggy

Oh Distressed Doggy,

I feel your pain. When I have visitors sometimes, I get pushed out of my own comfort spots. But, here’s what I do. I let the intruders know that I’m NOT HAPPY. Bark at them. Nip at them. Stuff like that. The idea is, to get your peeps to think you’re going t devour the cat. And you know that’s not gonna happen. Then, you’ll get your bed back. Trust me. And if that doesn’t work? Then, well, then really eat the cat. ArOOOO! Stuart

.

.

Remember friends – send your pictures and questions to me at baconthompson@gmail.com

We can’t have a weekly Dear Bacon issue without YOU!