Dear Stuart – SPECIAL ISSUE

This week, we have a wonderful guest helping out with our Dear Bacon issue.  This week, my pal Stuart is stepping in for me to do a special edition of Dear Stuart.  Be sure to visit him at his blog and check him out – let him know what a great job he did – thanks Stuart!

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Dear Stuart,
My brother never misses a photo opportunity. People think he’s so happy. What they don’t realize is that during these happy times, he is letting out gas. Sometimes they’re SBD’s (silent but deadly). What’s a dog to do on the receiving end of this happiness? Signed Not So Happy

Dear Not So Happy,
Relish in the smells of life my friend!  You never know what funny memories you might conjure up as the four-legged ones try to figure out whodunit.  Just be sure they don’t think it’s YOU who’s passing along these little morsels of love.  Think of it this way:  perhaps Pharrell passed gas when he was H-A-P-P-Y.  That made him lots of money.  Smile along with your brother and maybe pass some gas of your own!  That’s what I do and I don’t even have a brother!  ArOOO, Stuart

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Dear Stuart,
Is it safe? My human was riding their electronic broom around the house again. You know what I’m talking about. It makes a lot of noise and they say they are cleaning. I’m afraid if I get too close it will suck me up. Are you afraid of that thing? Any tips for me. Signed Scared in Black

Dear Scared in Black,
Be afraid.  Very afraid.  The electric broom goes by many aliases – Vacula, Vacooom, The Bad Machine…. they call it these things for a reason.  It WILL suck you up.  Steer clear.  I do.  Vrooom, Vrooom Stu

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Dear Stuart,
They see me rolling and they’re hating. Can’t help it that my humans trust me behind the wheel. It’s a great way to pick up chicks. Do you know of any other way? Signed Boat Magnet

Dear Boat Magnet,
Well now, you’re looking mighty macho there Boat Magnet. Sweet. Too bad I’d sink like a bag of cement if I were to accompany you on your maritime hook-up runs. One wrong move and I’d be overboard. And not in a good way. Otherwise, I’d be right there beside you. Helping you navigate toward the more demure of the feminine species.   Funny you ask if I know of any other way to attract the fair sex. Well, actually, my Shepherd friend, I don’t have to do anything at all. Just be me. That’s all there is to it. Try it. You’d be surprised. Just show your belly and they come running. Let me know how it works for you, K?  Your friend, Chick Magnet Stuart

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Dear Stuart,
I’m just not that kind or monkey. I don’t like to get wet. I wanted sushi and thought I could use this bamboo stick. Is there anything you don’t like that’s typically normal? Signed Sushkey

Sushkey! Stay outta those trees! Squirrels fall from trees sometimes where I live. I’d hate to have you take a tumble and hurt yourself. Nothing’s worth that my near-human-mammal-furiend. Not even sushi. Which I don’t like, by the way. I’m more of a vegetarian. Like you. Perhaps we should dine together in the near future? Since I don’t travel from limb to limb, you’ll have to do the Tarzan thing and swing over to my place. Green beans all the way around!  To answer your question….I typically don’t like things that others do. Guess I’m not a normal scottie?  ArOOO, Stuart

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Dear Stuart,
Why? Why does this happen to me every single time. The cat takes my bed and leaves me with something I can barely put my fanny in. What’s a pooch to do? Help please. Signed Distressed Doggy

Oh Distressed Doggy,

I feel your pain. When I have visitors sometimes, I get pushed out of my own comfort spots. But, here’s what I do. I let the intruders know that I’m NOT HAPPY. Bark at them. Nip at them. Stuff like that. The idea is, to get your peeps to think you’re going t devour the cat. And you know that’s not gonna happen. Then, you’ll get your bed back. Trust me. And if that doesn’t work? Then, well, then really eat the cat. ArOOOO! Stuart

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Remember friends – send your pictures and questions to me at baconthompson@gmail.com

We can’t have a weekly Dear Bacon issue without YOU!

 

Freaky Friday Mix Up

Dear Diary,

Something wicked has happened to me. I’m not sure what to think about this. It started out like usual and then it went far left really quick. I’m getting ahead of myself like I normally do so let me start from the beginning. This is what happened:

Yawn and stretch. Hhhmm – eyebrows straight up – that felt different. My stretch was more… well stretchy. Strange. It felt like I had long and fluid legs… not my usual short and stout ones. Maybe I’m losing weight – yeah that has to be it. Opens eyes and looks around my room. What is that insistent chirping noise? It’s coming from beyond the window in my bedroom. I stand up and stretch again. Man, I must be really losing weight. I felt my back, my legs and even my tail stretch on that one. There goes that chirping again. Dude, that’s got to stop.

I walked over to the window and that was another strange thing. My hooves on my bedroom floor didn’t make the regular clickety-clack sound. Strange but okay. I gotta eat some more. I looked up at the window ledge and didn’t think twice before I jumped up on it. WOW – I can jump! Wonder why I never did that before? I looked out the window and spotted those singing creatures outside. Those would so make a wonderful two piece snack. Snap, did I say that? And oh looky – there is Mr. Parson’s furry things. HISS! Double HISS! What in the world?! Where did that come from? Shakes head – things are weird this Friday.

I hear mom in the kitchen and the next thing I knew she was saying, “Frühstück”. I immediately jumped down and went down the hallway. Hey, I’m hungry for some breakfast. I hope she made tuna. I then stopped immediately in my tracks. What?! How did I know German? And tuna for breakfast? Today is strange.

I continued to the kitchen and that’s when weird became super weird. I walked up to mom and swished my body against her legs and bit her ankle. What in the world?! Mom started fussing at me and I started talking back to her. What? I don’t do that. I ate my breakfast and then spied an empty box in the living room. Oh squeal – this is my lucky day! I looked at mom and made one last meow at her and went in the front room jumping in the box. What in the heck just happened? I meowed and jumped in a box. WHAT?! Something is definitely wrong. I ran to my bedroom and looked in the mirror. Blinked several times and shook myself. I must still be dreaming. There is no way this can be real. I’m Tigerlino?! Oh dear, that must have been some bad strawberries I had last night. I can’t be a boy kitty. No way! No wonder I could jump. This can’t be happening. A nap. That’s what I need – a power nap.

So Diary. I thought it was just a dream. All I had to do was go back to sleep and finish this dream. That’s it. I’m a pig. I’m not a cat. No way! So the power nap commenced. I woke up after an hour or so and just *knew* it would be better… so I thought. This is what happened then:

Slowly I started to wake. It felt funny. It didn’t feel like my soft bed. This felt like paper. I looked underneath me and somehow I had fell asleep on the newspapers. Ha – I guess that was my way of keeping on top of the current events. I went to stand and tripped over my two front feet – clumsy me. I stretched and then I was off to look for the ladies room. I found it and chattered until I got some privacy. That’s when I smelled the coffee from mom. She was at the fridge getting some of that delicious evaporated milk for her warm cup. I walked over and pleaded by going in and out of her legs and talking to her until she caved. She fixed me a little bowl and it was pure heaven! The only thing that could have made this better was some strawberry yogurt. Licks lips and starts to clean myself. Oh snap! I didn’t know I could bring my back leg up over my head?! Oh dear heavens – call Circus Soleil – this she kitty has skills!

What? What did I just say?! Oh my, something is very wrong. What is mommy doing now? Oh Himmel! Here comes that monster in the closet. Screech! and runs off to the bedroom to hide under the bed. I’m shaking. I’m scared. That monster in the closet is like a scary movie waiting to happen!

But wait a minute. Why am I hiding under the bed and still speaking German?! I keep repeating to myself, “This can’t be real. This can’t be real.” I slowly crawl out from underneath the bed and look in the mirror. Holy bat kitty – look at that sexy purr thing – wolf whistles. Wait a minute, that sexy purr thing whistled back at me. I move my arm and she moved her arm. Oh no. Oh no. I finally looked down at my feet. Oh.good.Lord. I’m Roxy now? What in the world have we done? What happened?

Diary, I’m trying to remember last night. I remember talking to Tigerlino and Roxy before going to bed. We were talking about how each of us live throughout the day at our homes. Uh-oh… is this Freaky Friday?! I lay down and close my eyes trying to concentrate. When I open them, I’ll be fine. This is just a dream. You know like how when mom sleep walks. Yeah, that’s it. It has to be it. I’m going to count to 10, open my eyes and look down. Everything will be fine. Really. I *just* know it.

OH DEAR HEAVENS – Call Dr. Phil. Call Oprah. Call the Vet. I’m A CAT!?!

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon,
Daddy was holding my head and kept making funny faces at me.  I thought it was only fair play that I returned at least a funny face too.  What do you think?  Signed Twisted

Dear Twisted,
OMP (Oh my pig!)  I love that face.  Humans can be so silly with us, can’t they?  They make all these goo goo gaa gaa sounds and twist their faces up.  I think it’s only time that we turn it around and do it back to them.  Fortunately, your dad had the camera on.  Great face my friend.  Thank you so much for sharing the fun!

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Dear Bacon,
Oh rawr and barks.  I read your blog and see that you are ‘trained’.  I can’t believe you let your humans do that to you.  A trained pig – barks.  Who has ever heard of that.  Signed Jolly

Dear Jolly,
Really?  Are you done now laughing at me.  Tell me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that harness around your neck?  Who’s trained now barky thing?  snorts.  PLOL (Pig laughing out loud).

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Dear Bacon,
They say admission is the first step and I admit it.  I attacked the vacuum cleaner.  Well, I really don’t think it was so much of an attack as it was a jump while it wasn’t looking.  Heck, it was making way too much noise.  And to think mom yells at me when I bark!  I was just trying to get it to be quiet.  You can’t really blame me, can you?  Signed Pupattack

Dear Pupattack,
Well, what you say is true.  How can the humans get on to us and make us walk a certain line of rules and other things can’t.  Just like at the Hotel Thompson.  How come I can bark and squeal but daddy can sing off key loudly in the shower?  I think it is all in fair play.  I back you my friend.  Get the petition started.  I would sign it to get you out of that basket.  By all means – let me sign it to get you out of the cobra basket. 🙂

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Dear Bacon,
Hey, what’s up my friend?  Just chilling here in the sun.  I think you should come down under and see me.  We could have a lot of fun together.  Heck, I would even let you ride in my pouch good looking.  Signed Roolove

Dear Roolove,
You do look awfully comfortable there my friend.  So relaxed, sleepy looking from the sun actually.  Although I would love to visit and ride in your ‘pouch’, I’m afraid it might be bit of a trip for me.  Although, Bashful my pet rock is down under visiting.  Maybe you can look him up and give him a little ride.  Just be sure to please return him to his host family.

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Dear Bacon,
I love – just LOVE – doing this to Jed.  I walk up behind him and disguise my voice saying, “Guess who?”  Has anyone ever done that to you?  It’s a fun little game we play.  Do you know he still never guesses its me.  He’s a hoot.  I fool him every single time.  Do it to one of your purr things and see what happens.  Go ahead.  Signed Fool You

Dear Fool You,
That is a cute little game my friend.  I think I will tell Mouse Girl about this and have her do it to Hemi.  That should be hilarious to see how that goes down.  I can almost picture in my mind.  I’ll be sure to try and have the camera ready for a photo opportunity.  Thanks my friend for the game.

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Remember my friends, send your pictures and questions to me at Baconthompson@gmail.com

Keep them coming and have a great Tuesday!