Jokes with Anipals

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon,

I read your weekly issues all of the time.  I was being bullied in the neighborhood and I took the advice you gave in one of your letters, “Tell someone.”  This is my big brother Chance.  I told him about some cats in the hood that were picking on me because I was small and they wouldn’t let me play ball.  He shadowed me everywhere I went for a whole week.  Isn’t he the best!  And nope, not one mean cat wanted to take a chance with him in not letting me playing ball.  Signed Felix

Dear Felix,

Bravo to you little guy!  I’m so glad my advice paid off.  I don’t think those other cats will be picking on you anytime soon.  Pat Chance on the back and tell him job well done for sticking up for family!

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Dear Bacon,

I’m thinking of trying out for American Idol this coming up season.  Do you think I have a shot.  I can sing!  I mean I can really sing.  I bet you are wondering what will I sing aren’t you?  cough cough – sing with me now my friend:

“In the Jungle, the mighty jungle, the lions sleeps tonight.
In the jungle, the quiet jungle, the lions sleeps tonight.

Near the village, the peaceful village, the lions sleeps tonight.
Near the village, the quiet village, the lions sleeps tonight.

Hush my darling, don’t fear my darling, the lions sleeps tonight.
Hush my darling, don’t fear my darling, the lions sleeps tonight.”

What do you think?  Signed Jagger

Dear Jagger,

Go for it my friend.  I was singing along there with you the entire time.  You’ve definitely got the spirit.  I’ll tell you another thing.  I haven’t seen a zebra try out so you might have one hoove in the door already.

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Dear Bacon,

I know it’s wrong but I can’t help myself.  Sometimes I just want to have a little fun.  On those days, I put on my fin and go into the water.  You should hear the screams!  Who says turtles aren’t bad to the bone!  Signed George

Dear George,

Snorts – that is funny.  I bet you would be a hoot in the bathtub during mom’s 1 hour bubble bath.  That would definitely be a way to get her out of the bathroom.  Oops – did I say that out loud?  snorts.

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Dear Bacon,

My dream one day is to become a comedian.  I just feel it in my bones that I can make humans laugh.  I’ve been working my routine with the animals at Old McDonald’s farm and it has been a riot.  Lots of my get togethers have been standing room only.  Let me try a few on you.

Question:  What did the waiter say to the horse?  Answer:  I can’t take your order. That’s not my stable.

Question:  What did the horse say when it fell?  Answer:  “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

Question: What did the teacher say when the horse walked into her classroom?  Answer:  “Why the long face?”

And one of my best ones –

Question:  What do you call a horse that lives next door?  Answer:  A neigh-bor!

Did it work?  Did I make you laugh – or at least smile?  Did I?  Signed Rodney

Dear Rodney,

Snorts my friend.  Those were some good ones.  Keep up the great work and remember me when you go famous!

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Dear Bacon,

Do you think this spot makes my butt or tail look big?  I don’t want to have any hang ups on it in the future.  You think?  Signed Babe

Dear Babe,

Not at all my friend.  In fact, I think it brings something to the table.  Mom oohheed and aawweeed over it.  I don’t think you have anything to worry about at all.

Remember friends, keep your questions and pictures coming.  Send them to me at Baconthompson@gmail.com

 

Zebra Inspired

This one picture of a pig that looked like a zebra got me thinking over the weekend.  What would it look like if other animals had that ‘zebra’ look?  And what do they call this pig that looks like a zebra?  Zepig?  Pigbra?  Is it actuall real?  It looks kind of neat though, doesn’t it?  Let’s reflect on zebras shall we?

   

 

What if there was a dog mixed with zebra?  Now that would be unique.  What would they possibly call it?  Dogbra?  Zedog?  It is actually cute looking though, don’t you think?  I’m sure it would most definitely get the looks when walking down the street.  Or, could you imagine it chasing the mailman.  snort – I would pay to see that.

 

Then, let’s take a pot bellied pig like myself and zebra it.  Now, that is the look.  It looks like it could be a member of the rock group KISS – snort.  Too funny.  But I have to ask the most important question.  Is it white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

 

 

And then here’s the kicker.  I started thinking about Journalist Rocky the Squirrel.  What if we mixed him with a pig and a zebra?  I gave him my snout and face and zebra markings?  Cute little guy isn’t he?  SNORT – PLAO (Pig Laughing All Over!)  Squripigbra?  Oh my gosh – that’s too much and so funny!

So how was your weekend?  As you can see, I surfed the net and had a lot of fun!  XOXO – Bacon

 

Dear Bacon –

Dear Bacon,
Spiders eeww.  Nobody likes them man.  I’m sorry little dude.  I saw one on the floor.  It was huge.  There was no other place to go.  The evil thing was in the doorway threatening my manhood.  I jumped on the first thing I could to get away from it.  Sink be it.  This is how my master found me.  This doesn’t make me less of a dog does it?  My fear of spiders?  Signed Sweetness

Dear Sweetness,

Well, it might take you down a couple of notches.  You’re name my take you down a few more.  You are my fellow friend are a dog.  A big dog at that.  You could have easily walked over that little spider and saved you some grace.  Unless that spider is as big as you, you are the bigger person.  Start dogging up. 

 

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Dear Bacon,
Hey dude.  I read your blog all of the time.  I see people talking about yoga and I’ve seen some of the positions.  I gotta lot of stress in my life.  I thought I would try it.  WOW – it works great!  This is my zen trunk position.  It took me a long time to get the balancing together but it’s great now.  Have you tried it yet??  Signed Stingphant

Dear Stingphant,

That’s amazing!  I’m going to have to try some of these positions in my room when no one is looking, especially that Hemi.  It helps out in stress huh?  I really don’t have that much stress but I think over the holidays I’m going to try it.  I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

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Dear Bacon,
Who says zebras can’t be fast?  I’m tired of being the underzebra in the bush getting chased all of the time. I bought me a bike and it is the bomb!  Those pesky little cats can’t catch me anymore.  Whatcha think?  Signed Einstein

Dear Einstein,

I’m amazed!  First of all, you have the talent to ride a bike.  Second of all, I would have never thought about doing that to escape the cat.  But I do have a question.  How are you going to feel that thing up with gas when it runs out?  Just a thought to think about.  Stay safe my striped friend!

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Dear Bacon,
I love the water.  I just can’t get enough of it.  My favorite sport is water skiing.  Everyone said that due to my size that I would never be able to participate.  Well, I proofed them wrong.  Don’t let anyone say that you can’t do something.  You can.  Signed Geoffrey

Dear Geoffrey,

I’ve got to admit that if you can do that, I can do some of the things that I want to do in my life.  There’s nothing that can hold us back.  Thank you so much for the inspiration!

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Okay pig –

You think *you* have problems with those pesky purr things.  I have problems.  My master has pet mice.  You know where I’m going.  You can’t eat the pets.  But this, this is taking things a little too far and asking me too much.  What am I to do?  Signed Heathcliff

Dear Heathcliff,

WOW – mom does walk around telling me not to eat the cats.  I don’t.  I may tug on their tails a little but it’s all out of love.  But mice hanging around the head.  Oh buddy, there’s got to be a line somewhere and that’s pushing it.  You might need to leave the room when the master has those play things out wondering around.  I can hold back a lot but that – no way!  Be strong!

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon,
I hate mornings. No, that’s wrong. I despise mornings. Do you have this problem? Signed Anti Mornings

Dear Anti Mornings,
Maybe, just maybe, you’re looking at the mornings in the wrong light. I get up for the food – I love food so that’s a plus. I also get up because that’s my snuggly piggy mommy time. I love snuggly time. After mom goes to the worky place, I go back to bed. But, thats fine because I’ve already accomplished the morning. Think about making a few changes in your life in the mornings and see if that doesn’t work out better for you.
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Dear Bacon,

Something happened.  I’m not sure how it happened but it happened.  I was going for the bird and somehow that pesky bird got me in its cage and shut the door.  Shaking head.  I gotta be doing something wrong.  Any words of wisdom?  Signed Caged Kitty

Dear Caged Kitty,

It is a funny picture.  Have you ever watched the cartoon Tweety and Sylvester?  It’s very similar to your situation.  Maybe quit trying to eat the pretty birdy and try to become friends with little tweet tweet.  I’m sure then you won’t get locked up behind bars.

 

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Dear Bacon,

This is my 9th day in captivity and I don’t think my fellow cell mates have a clue to me being in here yet.  They think I’m one of them.  I think it’s hilarious.  I can get out at any time.  I just want to see how long they keep confiding in me until they figure it out.  Signed Secret Agent Feline

Dear Secret Agent Feline,

You are too funny.  You should write a short story on everything you learned from those silly rabbits.  Send it to me.  I’ll post it on here.  I’m sure it would be good laugh that everyone would enjoy!

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Dear Bacon,

Some days when I want to feel like a bad puddy cat, I put on my wig and climb trees.  It freaks out animals, small children and older folks in my neighborhood.  They actually think I’m a lion.  I’m thinking of wearing this for Halloween.  What do you think?  Signed Roar

Dear Roar,

I can’t say much my little friend.  I like to wear a cape around town.  I think it’s original of you to wear your wig.  Somehow I think it really becomes you.  If I was walking down your street and saw you in a tree, I would be afraid.  I’m shaking now as I type this.  Go for it my little man – go for it!

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Dear Bacon,

Me and the boys like to get together on the weekends to play a little cards.  What say  you pop over one night and play with us.  We don’t play for money – just nuts.  Do you like nuts?  Signed Poker Trio

Dear Poker Trio,

I’ve never played cards before let alone poker.  I’m going to have to on line and practice up a bit.  I’m a fast learner.  I think I can do this.  Instead of nuts, how about I bring a bag of carrots?  Would that work for ya’ll?  Thanks for the invite!

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Dear Bacon,

My name is Stripes and I have a best friend named Stretch.  When I get nervous or afraid, well you can see the picture.  Stretch takes it pretty good but I know the word is getting around the jungle that I’m a fraidy zebra.  What’s a fellow to do?  Signed Stripes Forever

Dear Stripes Forever,

WOW – that is some friend you have there.  First of all I have to ask you to come down off of Stretch.  Second of all Stretch needs to go see a chiropractor because I’m sure you have thrown that neck out on him.  Third, breath my fellow four legged friend.  You need to stand your ground and learn not to be afraid.  Perhaps Stretch can help you with this.  Whenever you are feeling afraid, start telling yourself that you are strong, you are a ZEBRA.  Sing a song in your head, picture your fellow animals without their clothes on – do anything but show them your afraid.  You can do this – I know you can!!  Let me know how things turn out.