Tag Archives: toilet
Dear Bacon – I don’t get it. Really I don’t. The humans come into this special room, sits on what they call the throne and then what? I don’t get it. Is something suppose to happen in here? Why do they sit on this thing with water in it? I almost fell in. Shaking my kitty head. Signed Mystified
Dear Mystified – Well my friend I’m here to tell you the secret. You see, I have learned from my staff here that this is *the* room. It’s where the humans do the most thinking. Yeah – it’s true. Sometimes dad refers to it as the ‘library’. My mom has even called it the powder room which is weird because I’ve never seen her with powder in there. But take it from me, it’s *the* room of the house because when the humans come out, it’s like their steps are lighter. Weird huh?
Dear Bacon – We ALL hate picture day. Doofus here wouldn’t smile for the camera. I was tired of being out in the hot sun on the hot pavement. Take the picture and let’s adios peeps. If this dog doesn’t smile soon, I’m going to let the claws of hell out and strategically place them on his derriere ever so gently. I’m just saying! Signed Too Hot for Pics
Dear Too Hot for Pics – Give me a second my friend. I’m making a note to self – never take pictures with Too Hot for Pics. Claws of Hell huh? I think I’ve seen them here at the Hotel Thompson. Maybe Doofus – is that his real name? – just wanted to feel your paws on his head gently massaging his temples. Maybe he has a headache from the heat too. Maybe he’s as tired as you are. Here – eat Snickers. You’re never yourself when you’re hungry 🙂
Dear Bacon – What in the heck is my owner thinking? Please tell me has he lost his everlasting feeble mind? It’s not bad enough that I have to wear the Cone of Shame that can almost pick up channels from Tokyo, but he has to sit me on top of his snowboard. Really? Signed Rolling My Eyes Although You Can’t See
Dear Rolling My Eyes Although You Can’t See – Now would be the time to leave him something in his shoes, near the bed or in the kitchen. You can always say you couldn’t find your litter box through your Cone of Shame. That’s what I’m thinking. Next thing you know, he’ll have you skates. Oh WOW – I’m so sorry for that suggestion – snorts out of comments….
Dear Bacon – What is up with this contraption? I feel like it’s a booby trap of some sort and now I’m stuck in it and can’t get out. How and why do girls wear these things. They can’t be comfortable – not by a long shot. Signed Tortured
Dear Tortured – I don’t know the girls wear them but if other girls are like my mom, it flies off at the end of the day almost striking anyone in the near vicinity. I guess you can call them deadly weapons. Be safe my friend.
Dear Bacon – That pussy cat is going to wake up with one bad heck of a headache. I was tired of him putting his paws through my front door and trying to grab at things in my house. Don’t worry – he’s okay. I’m just using him as a rug for a while and walking all over him for a change. Maybe that will teach the guy to knock first. Signed Jerry Mouse
Dear Jerry Mouse – Well I do hope that Tom Cat is okay. He looks a little flat – what did you do take a sledgehammer to the guy? I know if I was knocked out like that, I would definitely be showing you some respect. Enjoy your newspaper. I’m sure the fireworks will be blasting soon enough.
REMEMBER MY FRIENDS – Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU. Please continue sending me your questions and letters to my email address ❤
Shakes head side to side. Welcome to living here at the Hotel Thompson my friends. This is what daddy woke up to this morning in the bathroom. And trust me, he fell for it. I’ve never heard a man scream so loud before. Don Juan is in deep trouble when dad gets a hold of him!
Dear Innocent Until Proven Guilty – Oh wow my friend. How could anyone think anything other than just a prayer meeting was going on in that picture? I mean Mr. Kitty just would normally be cornered standing up straight with his hands down. Now to think of though – if it was a prayer meeting, why wasn’t his hands up? You gotta think about these questions that might come up. And the look on his face – well that doesn’t say Amen to me. I’m just telling you like I see it.
Dear Bacon – The humans came home early. How dare them. Don’t they know that once the leave for work, this crib is mine for eight hours or more? Here I was taking a little dip in the inside pool. They walked in like I was killing the pet bird or something. Honestly, some people. If they didn’t want me to swim in the pool, don’t leave the lid up. Signed Skinny Dipping
Dear Skinny Dipping – Remind me not to get to close to your snuggles when I visit. I don’t think that contraption is made for your swimming convenience. I’ve seen what my daddy does in it. It’s not pretty. Trust me on that. Shivers.
Dear Bacon – Can you believe my owner accused me of getting into her so called make up? I did not touch her war paint. No I didn’t. You can’t prove these things. She didn’t see me in it. Hhummphh – I think I’ll go take a walk outside now. Signed Painted Lady
Dear Painted Lady – Uumm, you might want to rethink your stand on the no touchy of the war paint. Go look in the mirror. I think you will ‘see’ what is giving you away. Although I do like the color of your paws and mouth, it looks like that lipstick didn’t get away. One shade darker and it would look like a crime scene happened at your crib with you being the victim. Of course on the other hoof, that would make an awesome Halloween costume. Crime Scene or Street Walker – you make the call – snorts with piggy laughter.
Dear Bacon – This may look like shredded paper all over the floor but it’s not. I have a perfectly good excuse for this. You see my humans leave me in the kitchen while they go to make the money to keep me in the life I’ve grown accustomed. Well, I’ve watched my mom clip her so called coupons all the time. If you look closer at these papers, they are coupons. I was just trying to lend a helping paw and help her out. You know, to give her more time to pet and play with me. You understand, right? Signed Coupon Clipper
Dear Coupon Clipper – I give you one for helping and participating in the household budget my friend. Unfortunately though, I don’t think those coupons will work the way you cut them. I’m sure your mom understood your willing to help. Maybe next time, you let her do the clipping with one hand while she pets you with the other.
REMEMBER my friends – Dear Bacon can’t help without your participation. Keep sending your letters and pictures to my email address. Snorts and Oinks!
Another week down my friends. It was a busy week with mom/dad’s anniversary and Bacon’s birthday but it was a fun week. Bacon has also been busy getting ready for his 31 Days of Spook in October and of course mom has started her DIEt again for the gazillionth time – rolls puppy eyes. Do all women go through this? Please tell me yes – barks!
The weather here has started getting cooler. Bacon is loving that. I myself am not sure. This six pound body gets cold like you wouldn’t believe. A couple of nights, mom has made a fire (by flipping the switch – barks with laughter). I crawl up in her lap on her chaise to feel the heat and watch the flames. That is the life my friends. And don’t you love my shirt? I got it just for Bacon to pick on him. He’s not too fond of it for some unknown reason? Maybe because it makes my butt look small?
Oh, and this is hilarious. When mom/dad came home Sunday from their night out, guess what happened? The toilet decided it didn’t want to work anymore and wouldn’t flush. Isn’t that awesome? So mom had to go the local Home Depot store to pick up what she called a flapper. I wouldn’t let her out of my sight so guess who got to go with her? Yep that would be me. I was her assistant. So we went together. That place is cool. The smells are funny but there was so many people that wanted to pet me and oohh and aaww over me. Of course, I ate that up! I was the main attraction in the plumbing aisle.
Well that’s all for me my friends – yawns – I hope you had a wonderful week as well. Happy weekend!
Friends – friends – friends. I’m shaking my piggy head. It was quite the weekend here at the Hotel Thompson. OMPH (oh my piggy heavens)! My mom – sometimes there is just no help for her. Really. I’m not exaggerating. Really I’m not. You see she is feeling so much better. Her cough is almost completely gone as well as the bruises she got in the emergency room from her IV’s a couple of weeks ago. She has energy and strength. I’m telling you all of this to set you up for what happened. Wait for it – you won’t regret it I assure you.
You see mom also signs up for this business that send her different products to try out. It’s all free of charge. She tries the products out, writes up some reviews on if she liked/didn’t like it, etc. Well she got one in the mail a couple of weeks ago for a waxing product. Now guys and fellow anipals, waxing products are to remove hair. Spring is coming up and mom says it was time for the Spring Harvest. You see where I’m going with this now? Snorts and rolls with piggy laughter.
On Saturday’s mom and dad go out for their hot date – oohhh. So mom decided that Saturday morning she was going into the bathroom with her product, the instructions and a glass of wine. Something about doing her legs. I’m looking down at my legs and I think personally they look wonderful with hair. Don’t you agree as well? These humans are weird. Okay I admit these hairy legs aren’t my mom but hers are not that bad. Probably about the same. She says it’s something about being winter and wearing long pants that no one sees. Shakes head – I don’t understand that.
So we all hung out in the living room watching television. Then we heard some bumps. Then we heard some grunts. Then we heard, “You got to be kidding”. Then we heard the door open and she called for daddy. Then daddy went to the bathroom, went to the kitchen and returned with more wine. Then we heard four lettered cuss words. Then we heard a loud bang. You see I’m telling you all of this from OUR point of view. After a while, mom came out stomping and cussing – bottle of wine in hand (I’m not sure what happened to the glass) and disappeared into her room to do her ‘write-up’ she called it. I snuck in her bedroom later when her and dad went out and copied this off of her computer. Oh dear piggy heavens – I’ll take my hairy legs any day!
Dear XYZ Company,
In a word, NO. NO I don’t recommend your product. NO I would never, absolutely never use it again. I can not recommend it. I will not recommend it. Why do you ask? Because I know you want details, so here you go.
I’ve been sick lately and I’ll give you that the instructions said to make sure the hair was grown out enough to see. Check I have that down pact. People get waxing professionally done all of the time – I’m a big girl. I can do this! I took a glass of wine into the bathroom, got as comfortable as humanly possible on the porcelain throne and read further. It stated to take the stick swish it through the gel in the bottle and to slowly spread in an even pattern small enough where you could then apply the wipe. Seemed safe enough.
Sip of wine for encouragement. Stirred the product with the stick. Then proceeded to spread the product on my leg in a place in the front lower portion. Something I could ‘try’ out at first. It spread smoothly – like butter. I thought so far so good, I’ll go ahead and do a small part on the other leg. Then I took a ‘wipe’ smoothed in on top of first leg and slowly stroked back and forth until even. Once done, I did the other leg in the same way.
I felt pretty proud of myself. I took another sip of the wine. I then read further in the instructions. “Hold down one corner and in a quick fashion, pull towards you.” Uumm… WTF? Basically your telling me to rip off the bandaid. This may be a problem. I didn’t think about the pain level.
I took another sip of the wine and finished the glass. So there I was stuck on the throne with two evil ‘wipes’ on both legs tossing around the possibilities of what to do. You know those white wipes really wouldn’t be noticed if I left them there. I almost look as white as them. Then I thought about fungus growing up under them with the ‘product’. I decided to call in for back up.
Once the hub unit brought me the entire bottle of wine, I forwent the glass and just chugged out of the bottle. It’s now or never I thought. I picked up the corner of leg A, held down the bottom part of my leg and just ripped. That’s right I said ripped. Ripped because that’s what if felt like I was doing – ripping my entire leg’s first layer of epidermis away. Holy hell! Are you guys kidding me? Hobbling on one leg, bouncing around and praying to the Gods above to just come and take me right there. I took another swig of wine and that’s when I lost my balance falling into the bathtub hitting my head.
I didn’t even care! Mr. Grim Reaper could come for me now because I was so close to death. In fact, then again he might not want to mess with me because I’m in so much pain. I looked down at my other leg. Oh dear God, what have I done? I actually cried at the pain which was worse than pulling fingernails off of my hand.
There was only one choice to make. Rip the other one off, get over the pain, get MORE wine and never, absolutely NEVER EVER use waxing products again. Do you understand what I’m saying? If you EVER send me another waxing product, you will know first hand what it’s like because I will do your leg whether you are man or woman. Capice?