Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – I don’t get it.  Really I don’t.  The humans come into this special room, sits on what they call the throne and then what?  I don’t get it.  Is something suppose to happen in here?  Why do they sit on this thing with water in it?  I almost fell in.  Shaking my kitty head.  Signed Mystified

Dear Mystified – Well my friend I’m here to tell you the secret.  You see, I have learned from my staff here that this is *the* room.  It’s where the humans do the most thinking.  Yeah – it’s true.  Sometimes dad refers to it as the ‘library’.  My mom has even called it the powder room which is weird because I’ve never seen her with powder in there.  But take it from me, it’s *the* room of the house because when the humans come out, it’s like their steps are lighter.  Weird huh?

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Dear Bacon –   We ALL hate picture day.  Doofus here wouldn’t smile for the camera.  I was tired of being out in the hot sun on the hot pavement.  Take the picture and let’s adios peeps.  If this dog doesn’t smile soon, I’m going to let the claws of hell out and strategically place them on his derriere ever so gently.  I’m just saying!  Signed Too Hot for Pics

Dear Too Hot for Pics – Give me a second my friend.   I’m making a note to self – never take pictures with Too Hot for Pics.  Claws of Hell huh?  I think I’ve seen them here at the Hotel Thompson.  Maybe Doofus – is that his real name? – just wanted to feel your paws on his head gently massaging his temples.  Maybe he has a headache from the heat too.  Maybe he’s as tired as you are.  Here – eat Snickers.  You’re never yourself when you’re hungry 🙂

 

 

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Dear Bacon – What in the heck is my owner thinking?  Please tell me has he lost his everlasting feeble mind?  It’s not bad enough that I have to wear the Cone of Shame that can almost pick up channels from Tokyo, but he has to sit me on top of his snowboard.  Really?  Signed Rolling My Eyes Although You Can’t See

Dear Rolling My Eyes Although You Can’t See – Now would be the time to leave him something in his shoes, near the bed or in the kitchen.  You can always say you couldn’t find your litter box through your Cone of Shame.  That’s what I’m thinking.  Next thing you know, he’ll have you skates.  Oh WOW – I’m so sorry for that suggestion – snorts out of comments….

 

 

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Dear Bacon – What is up with this contraption?  I feel like it’s a booby trap of some sort and now I’m stuck in it and can’t get out.  How and why do girls wear these things.  They can’t be comfortable – not by a long shot.  Signed Tortured

Dear Tortured – I don’t know the girls wear them but if other girls are like my mom, it flies off at the end of the day almost striking anyone in the near vicinity.  I guess you can call them deadly weapons.  Be safe my friend.

 

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Dear Bacon – That pussy cat is going to wake up with one bad heck of a headache.  I was tired of him putting his paws through my front door and trying to grab at things in my house.  Don’t worry – he’s okay.  I’m just using him as a rug for a while and walking all over him for a change.  Maybe that will teach the guy to knock first.  Signed Jerry Mouse

Dear Jerry Mouse – Well I do hope that Tom Cat is okay.  He looks a little flat – what did you do take a sledgehammer to the guy?  I know if I was knocked out like that, I would definitely be showing you some respect.  Enjoy your newspaper.  I’m sure the fireworks will be blasting soon enough.

 

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REMEMBER MY FRIENDS – Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU.  Please continue sending me your questions and letters to my email address ❤

 

Spring Harvest – Oh Dear Piggy Heavens!

Friends – friends – friends.  I’m shaking my piggy head.  It was quite the weekend here at the Hotel Thompson.  OMPH (oh my piggy heavens)!  My mom – sometimes there is just no help for her.  Really.  I’m not exaggerating.  Really I’m not.  You see she is feeling so much better.  Her cough is almost completely gone as well as the bruises she got in the emergency room from her IV’s a couple of weeks ago.  She has energy and strength.  I’m telling you all of this to set you up for what happened.  Wait for it – you won’t regret it I assure you.

You see mom also signs up for this business that send her different products to try out.  It’s all free of charge.  She tries the products out, writes up some reviews on if she liked/didn’t like it, etc.  Well she got one in the mail a couple of weeks ago for a waxing product.  Now guys and fellow anipals, waxing products are to remove hair.  Spring is coming up and mom says it was time for the Spring Harvest.  You see where I’m going with this now?  Snorts and rolls with piggy laughter.

On Saturday’s mom and dad go out for their hot date – oohhh.  So mom decided that Saturday morning she was going into the bathroom with her product, the instructions and a glass of wine.  Something about doing her legs.  I’m looking down at my legs and I think personally they look wonderful with hair.  Don’t you agree as well?  These humans are weird.  Okay I admit these hairy legs aren’t my mom but hers are not that bad.  Probably about the same.  She says it’s something about being winter and wearing long pants that no one sees.  Shakes head – I don’t understand that.

So we all hung out in the living room watching television.  Then we heard some bumps.  Then we heard some grunts.  Then we heard, “You got to be kidding”.  Then we heard the door open and she called for daddy.  Then daddy went to the bathroom, went to the kitchen and returned with more wine.  Then we heard four lettered cuss words.  Then we heard a loud bang.  You see I’m telling you all of this from OUR point of view.  After a while, mom came out stomping and cussing – bottle of wine in hand (I’m not sure what happened to the glass) and disappeared into her room to do her ‘write-up’ she called it.  I snuck in her bedroom later when her and dad went out and copied this off of her computer.  Oh dear piggy heavens – I’ll take my hairy legs any day!

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Dear XYZ Company,

In a word, NO.  NO I don’t recommend your product.  NO I would never, absolutely never use it again. I can not recommend it.  I will not recommend it. Why do you ask?  Because I know you want details, so here you go.

I’ve been sick lately and I’ll give you that the instructions said to make sure the hair was grown out enough to see.  Check I have that down pact.  People get waxing professionally done all of the time – I’m a big girl.  I can do this!    I took a glass of wine into the bathroom, got as comfortable as humanly possible on the porcelain throne and read further.  It stated to take the stick swish it through the gel in the bottle and to slowly spread in an even pattern small enough where you could then apply the wipe.  Seemed safe enough.

Sip of wine for encouragement.  Stirred the product with the stick.  Then proceeded to spread the product on my leg in a place in the front lower portion.  Something I could ‘try’ out at first.  It spread smoothly – like butter.  I thought so far so good, I’ll go ahead and do a small part on the other leg.  Then I took a ‘wipe’ smoothed in on top of first leg and slowly stroked back and forth until even.  Once done, I did the other leg in the same way.

I felt pretty proud of myself.  I took another sip of the wine.  I then read further in the instructions.  “Hold down one corner and in a quick fashion, pull towards you.”  Uumm… WTF?  Basically your telling me to rip off the bandaid.  This may be a problem.  I didn’t think about the pain level.

I took another sip of the wine and finished the glass.  So there I was stuck on the throne with two evil ‘wipes’ on both legs tossing around the possibilities of what to do.  You know those white wipes really wouldn’t be noticed if I left them there.  I almost look as white as them.  Then I thought about fungus growing up under them with the ‘product’.  I decided to call in for back up.

Once the hub unit brought me the entire bottle of wine, I forwent the glass and just chugged out of the bottle.  It’s now or never I thought.  I picked up the corner of leg A, held down the bottom part of my leg and just ripped.  That’s right I said ripped.  Ripped because that’s what if felt like I was doing – ripping my entire leg’s first layer of epidermis away.  Holy hell!  Are you guys kidding me?  Hobbling on one leg, bouncing around and praying to the Gods above to just come and take me right there.  I took another swig of wine and that’s when I lost my balance falling into the bathtub hitting my head.

I didn’t even care!  Mr. Grim Reaper could come for me now because I was so close to death.  In fact, then again he might not want to mess with me because I’m in so much pain.  I looked down at my other leg.  Oh dear God, what have I done?  I actually cried at the pain which was worse than pulling fingernails off of my hand.

There was only one choice to make.  Rip the other one off, get over the pain, get MORE wine and never, absolutely NEVER EVER use waxing products again.  Do you understand what I’m saying?  If you EVER send me another waxing product, you will know first hand what it’s like because I will do your leg whether you are man or woman.  Capice?

 

Dear Evil Squirrel – Special Edition

This week we have a Special Edition of Dear Bacon.  This week my good friend Evil Squirrel is going to fill in for me.  Be sure to visit him and let him know what a wonderful job he did my friends!

 

Dear Evil Squirrel,
Sshh – don’t tell the owner. She hasn’t had her eyes checked in some time and still thinks I’m her kitty. I have it made until she gets new glasses. Any suggestions on how to maintain this trick? Signed Kitty in Disguise

Dear Kitty in Disguise,  I have to commend you for pulling the wool over the human’s eyes using nothing more than a cheap eye mask.  I thought that stuff only worked in Bugs Bunny cartoons.  If you’ve managed to fool her for this long, I think you can probably succeed over the long haul.  Just remember to keep sulking and taking 23 hour long naps like every other kitteh does so she doesn’t get suspicious.  Oh, and keep the rabies to yourself… you may be able to fool your owner, but I don’t think your local animal control officers are gonna buy that disguise.

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Dear Evil Squirrel,
Hey when the humans are away the snake will play. I got hungry for a hot pocket. What I learned though was I need some fingers. Any suggestions? Signed Hotss Pocketss

Dear Hotss Pocketss,  I will personally unwrap and microwave all of the Hot Pockets you want at your request.  All I ask in return is that you don’t get hungry for something exotic like…. oh… squirrel.  You’re not a tree climbing snake, are you?  That picture is going to give me nightmares for the rest of my life!

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Dear Evil Squirrel,
You may enter and use my throne. Make it quick though. I have plans to make and households to overtake. Signed King George

Dear King George,  Bad kitteh!  Bad!  Do your humans perch themselves on top of your litter box and watch as you do your business?  The bathroom is the most important room in the house to two-footers, and I fear that is one throne you are going to be forced to abdicate.  Besides, you don’t really want to be hanging around when your subjects are parting with that chili they had for dinner.

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Dear Evil Squirrel,
Me up to no good? Surely you are joking. What would give you that kind of idea that I’m into trouble? Signed Smirky

Dear Smirky,  Up to no good?  Ha!  We squirrels know a thing or two about being up to no good, and I can assure you, the perfect “up to no good” face looks a lot more dastardly than that.  No, I just assumed you found your human’s bottle of Prozac and helped yourself to some happiness.  I know saying a dog looks happy seems to be pretty redundant, but you seem to be what my good pal George Carlin liked to call “more than happy”.  When Edie Brickell sung about a “smile on a dog,” she had to be thinking of you!  Keep smiling, Smirky.  Keep smiling…

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Dear Evil Squirrel,
Darn those ghosts! I’m so close to getting a high score on Pac Man. I know I can do it. Have you played? Signed Wonka Cat

Dear Wonka Cat,  I was quite the video gaming expert back in my day.  I spent more acorns than I care to think about outrunning ghosts, leaping barrels, shooting aliens, and blasting centipedes.  At least you have the luxury of unlimited continues, so all I can say is keep practicing.  And if Pac Man gets too frustrating, switch to Super Mario Brothers and take it out on the turtles.

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Thank you so much to my good friend Evil Squirrel  for stepping in for me this week.

Remember my friends – this Dear Bacon issue can’t happen without YOU.  Keep sending your pictures and questions to me at baconthompson@gmail.com