Dear Bacon – I’m trying to meet the poodle down the street She won’t give me the time of the day. She’s so cute and has the longest legs and fluffiest fur. I’ve tried everything to impress her – gave her my dog bones, chased off cats from her home – nothing has worked though. She still looks at me like a friend. So, I’m bringing out the big guns. I’m going to show up at her house tomorrow to play doctor. What do you think? Game plan on? Signed Dr. Barry White
Dear Dr. Barry White – You know my friend the first thing I want to say is ABORT ABORT THE MISSION. This sounds like a totally bad idea. Really dude. Instead of playing a doctor, why don’t you show up with some snacks to share, play a little Barry White and then ask her for a date around the hood – just you and her. Than later – much later – in your relationship you can bring out the doctor game. I’m just sayin’
Dear Bacon – There I was doing what I do best, sleeping on the couch and you know purring while knocking the dog down every time he jumped up. I mean this sofa is mine not his, right? I admit that this was probably my first mistake. I should have let the dog have the couch – then he would have seen the shock – or I should say Iost his puppy mind. Because my friend what has been seen can not be unseen now. So this is what happened. First my grandmother walked through the room completely naked from the shower. Okay it was ugly but I took it. But then it turned ugly – real ugly. My grandpa then came out of the bathroom butt naked. Oh dear Lord – the steam coming down the hall was awful. It came into the front room and over the couch and like stayed there like an ugly cloud outside in the sky that was fixing to bust out with water. I didn’t know what to do. Have your humans ever made this kind of steam cloud? Signed Head in the Mist
Dear Head in the Mist – What a minute dude. Are you telling me that both of them were in the bathroom together at the same time naked? Did you hear soap falling? Cause my dad sometimes drops his soap and tells mom to come find it. I don’t get that either but it sounds like those weird humans. And talking about clouds – I have seen them here at the Hotel Thompson. They usually are green and come out of the bathroom when daddy comes out. He calls them food ghosts. I call them deadly.
Dear Bacon – I read your issues faithfully every week – never miss them at all. Something confuses me. You call us anipals. I’m not an animal. I’m human. Mom brings me everywhere with her, dresses me, puts me to bed just like her regular babies. I guess something like your mom does for you.
So you see, I don’t understand when you say anipals. We are definitely not animals. Signed Opi
Dear Opi – First let me say that you are beautiful in your little outfit and I think that’s awesome that your mom takes you everywhere. You see, I call us anipals because I know it’s hard to believe but we are in the animal family. The biggest different is that we have four legs and most humans have two.
So you see we are animals BUT I call us anipals because we are all pals. Does that make sense to you now? It’s not a bad thing to be called an anipal. It’s a blessing because you know we have the best of life. Our humans really know how to baby us beyond what we could ever think.
Dear Bacon – I tried to get on your page yesterday for Read Me a Story because that’s what I do – read stories. You see, at night I sneak into the kids room here where I live. I then get into my rocking share and read stories to the kids. They absolutely love it. But I tell them, it has to be our secret because of their parents found out they would go insane. Cause you know all of our lives would change because then their parents would want me to read them a story at night. And there’s just not that much of me to go around. Signed Yakety Yak
Dear Yakety Yak – First off, I’m so impressed of your talents. To read a story like that and the kids not scream. You are so cool. Heck, I would love for you to read me a story – anytime. Heck, skype me okay. It will be our secret.
Friends – Don’t forget to email me your letters and pictures to my email address. Dear Bacon can’t happen without you!