Spring Harvest – Oh Dear Piggy Heavens!

Friends – friends – friends.  I’m shaking my piggy head.  It was quite the weekend here at the Hotel Thompson.  OMPH (oh my piggy heavens)!  My mom – sometimes there is just no help for her.  Really.  I’m not exaggerating.  Really I’m not.  You see she is feeling so much better.  Her cough is almost completely gone as well as the bruises she got in the emergency room from her IV’s a couple of weeks ago.  She has energy and strength.  I’m telling you all of this to set you up for what happened.  Wait for it – you won’t regret it I assure you.

You see mom also signs up for this business that send her different products to try out.  It’s all free of charge.  She tries the products out, writes up some reviews on if she liked/didn’t like it, etc.  Well she got one in the mail a couple of weeks ago for a waxing product.  Now guys and fellow anipals, waxing products are to remove hair.  Spring is coming up and mom says it was time for the Spring Harvest.  You see where I’m going with this now?  Snorts and rolls with piggy laughter.

On Saturday’s mom and dad go out for their hot date – oohhh.  So mom decided that Saturday morning she was going into the bathroom with her product, the instructions and a glass of wine.  Something about doing her legs.  I’m looking down at my legs and I think personally they look wonderful with hair.  Don’t you agree as well?  These humans are weird.  Okay I admit these hairy legs aren’t my mom but hers are not that bad.  Probably about the same.  She says it’s something about being winter and wearing long pants that no one sees.  Shakes head – I don’t understand that.

So we all hung out in the living room watching television.  Then we heard some bumps.  Then we heard some grunts.  Then we heard, “You got to be kidding”.  Then we heard the door open and she called for daddy.  Then daddy went to the bathroom, went to the kitchen and returned with more wine.  Then we heard four lettered cuss words.  Then we heard a loud bang.  You see I’m telling you all of this from OUR point of view.  After a while, mom came out stomping and cussing – bottle of wine in hand (I’m not sure what happened to the glass) and disappeared into her room to do her ‘write-up’ she called it.  I snuck in her bedroom later when her and dad went out and copied this off of her computer.  Oh dear piggy heavens – I’ll take my hairy legs any day!

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Dear XYZ Company,

In a word, NO.  NO I don’t recommend your product.  NO I would never, absolutely never use it again. I can not recommend it.  I will not recommend it. Why do you ask?  Because I know you want details, so here you go.

I’ve been sick lately and I’ll give you that the instructions said to make sure the hair was grown out enough to see.  Check I have that down pact.  People get waxing professionally done all of the time – I’m a big girl.  I can do this!    I took a glass of wine into the bathroom, got as comfortable as humanly possible on the porcelain throne and read further.  It stated to take the stick swish it through the gel in the bottle and to slowly spread in an even pattern small enough where you could then apply the wipe.  Seemed safe enough.

Sip of wine for encouragement.  Stirred the product with the stick.  Then proceeded to spread the product on my leg in a place in the front lower portion.  Something I could ‘try’ out at first.  It spread smoothly – like butter.  I thought so far so good, I’ll go ahead and do a small part on the other leg.  Then I took a ‘wipe’ smoothed in on top of first leg and slowly stroked back and forth until even.  Once done, I did the other leg in the same way.

I felt pretty proud of myself.  I took another sip of the wine.  I then read further in the instructions.  “Hold down one corner and in a quick fashion, pull towards you.”  Uumm… WTF?  Basically your telling me to rip off the bandaid.  This may be a problem.  I didn’t think about the pain level.

I took another sip of the wine and finished the glass.  So there I was stuck on the throne with two evil ‘wipes’ on both legs tossing around the possibilities of what to do.  You know those white wipes really wouldn’t be noticed if I left them there.  I almost look as white as them.  Then I thought about fungus growing up under them with the ‘product’.  I decided to call in for back up.

Once the hub unit brought me the entire bottle of wine, I forwent the glass and just chugged out of the bottle.  It’s now or never I thought.  I picked up the corner of leg A, held down the bottom part of my leg and just ripped.  That’s right I said ripped.  Ripped because that’s what if felt like I was doing – ripping my entire leg’s first layer of epidermis away.  Holy hell!  Are you guys kidding me?  Hobbling on one leg, bouncing around and praying to the Gods above to just come and take me right there.  I took another swig of wine and that’s when I lost my balance falling into the bathtub hitting my head.

I didn’t even care!  Mr. Grim Reaper could come for me now because I was so close to death.  In fact, then again he might not want to mess with me because I’m in so much pain.  I looked down at my other leg.  Oh dear God, what have I done?  I actually cried at the pain which was worse than pulling fingernails off of my hand.

There was only one choice to make.  Rip the other one off, get over the pain, get MORE wine and never, absolutely NEVER EVER use waxing products again.  Do you understand what I’m saying?  If you EVER send me another waxing product, you will know first hand what it’s like because I will do your leg whether you are man or woman.  Capice?

 

Daddy is Cheating on Mommy

I KNOW!

I was so shocked myself.  I couldn’t believe it and I heard it my friends.  Mommy was at the worky place and I was in my bedroom taking a nap.  That’s when it happened.  I heard a girls voice.  I was like, “That’s not mommy”.  I put my head to my bedroom door and listened.  What the cream cheese?  Daddy was in the front room talking to a girl!

Of course I eavesdropped.  I think mom would understand in this situation.  I mean this is concerning family and family is first… right?

I heard daddy ask, “Siri, who’s your daddy?”  That’s the hoochies name – Siri?  What kind of name is that?  But get this my friends.  This Siri chick responded, “You are.”  WTP (what the pig)!?  This trumpet called Siri is flirting with my dad?  Is she crazy?  That’s my daddy!  She can’t be doing this.

And then I heard daddy ask, “Siri, why did the chicken cross the road?”  I tell you my daddy is strange.  Why would he be asking this cornflake this question?  But again get this – this Siri chick replied, “I do not know the motivations of chickens.”  What a smarty!

Then daddy said, “Siri, you’re the best.”  Piggy down – THUD.  What has daddy done?  And Siri said, “Thank you.  So are you.”  NNNOO!!!  This has got to stop.  Who is this scarlet?

I heard laughing from daddy.  And then daddy said, “Siri, tell me a joke.”  Siri said, “The past, the future and the present walked into a bar.  It was a tense situation.”  Daddy rolled with laughter.  I don’t get it.

I couldn’t take it anymore.  I had to put my hooves down and take my daddy back before mommy found out about this situation.  I squealed like I’ve never squealed before – at the top of my lungs and scratching my bedroom door.  That got dad’s attention.  He came running to my bedroom and opened my door.  I ran out of that room like it was on fire straight into the front room to find said hooch.  Nothing.  No one.  Nada.  Where did she go?  I heard her.  I know she was there.  I checked everywhere.  And still nothing.

What’s a pig to do now?

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NOTE:  This post is all in fun.  Siri is actually put out by Apple products.  Siri is the personal assistant that you can talk to on products such as the i-Pad or i-Phone.  You can place phone calls, make appointments, and ask general questions to just about anything.

 

Name That Product/Company and/or Jingle – ANSWERS

Edition 3 –

Name That Product/Company and/or Jingle!

Here are the answers from yesterday’s posting.  How many did you get right?

 

1. Time to make the doughnuts.  Dunkin Donuts
2. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.  Almond Joy/Mounds
3. Rolling back prices.  Wal-Mart
4. It’s finger lickin’ good.  KFC
5. Let your fingers to the walking.  Yellow Pages
6. Expect more, pay less.  Target
7. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.  Timex
8. A diamond is forever.  Debeers
9. Does she or doesn’t she?  Clariol
10. Melts in your mouth not in your hands.  M&M

And the winner is:

 

Name That Product/Company – Answers

        “Name that Product/Company!” 

Here are the answers from yesterday’s slogans.  How many did you get right?

1. “MMM MMM good.”  – Campbell’s
2. “I’m loving it!” – McDonald’s
3. “Have it your way.” – Burger King
4. “Eat fresh.” – Subway
5. “Think small.” – Volkswagon
6. “Good to the last drop.” – Maxwell House
7. “They’re magically delicious!” – Lucky Charms
8. “Just do it.” – Nike
9. “The happiest place on earth!” – Disney Land
10. “Where’s the beef?” – Wendy’s

Special Shout Out to Cody the Cat at https://twitter.com/CatChatCaren who got them ALL right within hours of the posting.  Way to go my four legged friend!!