This week we have a Special Edition of Dear Bacon. This week my good friend Evil Squirrel is going to fill in for me. Be sure to visit him and let him know what a wonderful job he did my friends!
Dear Evil Squirrel,
Sshh – don’t tell the owner. She hasn’t had her eyes checked in some time and still thinks I’m her kitty. I have it made until she gets new glasses. Any suggestions on how to maintain this trick? Signed Kitty in Disguise
Dear Kitty in Disguise, I have to commend you for pulling the wool over the human’s eyes using nothing more than a cheap eye mask. I thought that stuff only worked in Bugs Bunny cartoons. If you’ve managed to fool her for this long, I think you can probably succeed over the long haul. Just remember to keep sulking and taking 23 hour long naps like every other kitteh does so she doesn’t get suspicious. Oh, and keep the rabies to yourself… you may be able to fool your owner, but I don’t think your local animal control officers are gonna buy that disguise.
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Dear Evil Squirrel,
Hey when the humans are away the snake will play. I got hungry for a hot pocket. What I learned though was I need some fingers. Any suggestions? Signed Hotss Pocketss
Dear Hotss Pocketss, I will personally unwrap and microwave all of the Hot Pockets you want at your request. All I ask in return is that you don’t get hungry for something exotic like…. oh… squirrel. You’re not a tree climbing snake, are you? That picture is going to give me nightmares for the rest of my life!
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Dear Evil Squirrel,
You may enter and use my throne. Make it quick though. I have plans to make and households to overtake. Signed King George
Dear King George, Bad kitteh! Bad! Do your humans perch themselves on top of your litter box and watch as you do your business? The bathroom is the most important room in the house to two-footers, and I fear that is one throne you are going to be forced to abdicate. Besides, you don’t really want to be hanging around when your subjects are parting with that chili they had for dinner.
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Dear Evil Squirrel,
Me up to no good? Surely you are joking. What would give you that kind of idea that I’m into trouble? Signed Smirky
Dear Smirky, Up to no good? Ha! We squirrels know a thing or two about being up to no good, and I can assure you, the perfect “up to no good” face looks a lot more dastardly than that. No, I just assumed you found your human’s bottle of Prozac and helped yourself to some happiness. I know saying a dog looks happy seems to be pretty redundant, but you seem to be what my good pal George Carlin liked to call “more than happy”. When Edie Brickell sung about a “smile on a dog,” she had to be thinking of you! Keep smiling, Smirky. Keep smiling…
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Dear Evil Squirrel,
Darn those ghosts! I’m so close to getting a high score on Pac Man. I know I can do it. Have you played? Signed Wonka Cat
Dear Wonka Cat, I was quite the video gaming expert back in my day. I spent more acorns than I care to think about outrunning ghosts, leaping barrels, shooting aliens, and blasting centipedes. At least you have the luxury of unlimited continues, so all I can say is keep practicing. And if Pac Man gets too frustrating, switch to Super Mario Brothers and take it out on the turtles.
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Piglove 