NO HE DIDN’T!

  I. hate. Don. Juan.

There you go.  That elf needs to be stopped NOW… like yesterday.  He is evil pure and simple.  I woke up this morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed.  I stretched my hooves, yawned and tooted.  What?  You don’t do that in the mornings?  I then rolled over to look at my picture of Miss Piggy on my night stand and got the shock of my little piggy life.  My Miss Piggy picture was gone and in it’s place was this hideous, nightmarish joke from Don Juan.  I squealed so loudly that I think Nana heard me all the way up the street.  The nerve of this so called elf for Santa.  I’m writing the head elf of the Union.  This can’t go on anymore.  Shivers and looks in every corner of my bedroom.

 

 

Bad Poetry Day

Journalist Rocky the Squirrel here –

Keeping my paws on the nuts of the world!

Today is a day that was made for the most of us – Bad Poetry Day.  There are some that just couldn’t make a rhyme if their life depended on it.  That would be most of us here at the Hotel Thompson.  We are just not made that way.  But knowing that, we still had to publish Bad Poetry Day – a day that is perfect for us.  So my friends, I present to you our edition of Bad Poetry Day.  Forgive us now okay.

There once was a pig named Bacon

who wasn’t your standard pig at all.

His heart was always breakin’

because he didn’t have the gall.

The gall to ask Miss Piggy

to marry him and make his day.

He kept sayin’ it was no biggie

But his heart was always flown astray. 

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – Who says dogs can’t have game.  I’ve been watching NBA Championships on television.  Those humans have two legs and do some amazing things with the balls.  I figure I have four legs.  I bet I could do some amazing things myself.  And instead of ‘dunking’ the ball, I can’t jump on the rim.  So hey guys – I’m free here – let me assist.  Heck with this kind of ability, maybe I should start a team for us anipals.  What do you think?  Signed Lebron the Lab

Dear Lebron the Lab – Oh pal!  Now that is some kind of assist.  Is that in the play book?  Can you stand up there like that?  I wonder?  But hey, I think starting your own anipal team would be awesome.  Heck, I would love to be on your team.  I may be short to the ground but this snout is a powerful weapon to be crossed.  You go – and be careful okay.

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Dear Bacon – My humans took me to Disney World with them.  OMD – I was in doggy heaven!  My favorite idol is Pluto.  How could you not like him?  He is like the bestest happening dog ever!  When my humans set me up to meet my idol in person and take my picture, I so could not help it but to smile.  Can you see it?  I was so deliriously happy!  Can you tell?  Signed Grinning Ear to Ear

Dear Ginning Ear to Ear – Oh WOW my friend.  YES – YES and YES.  I can tell that you are so happy in meeting Pluto.  I know that it had to make your day.  In fact, I would love to meet Miss Piggy one day.  My mom is still working on a meet up.  Hopefully one day my day will come too just like yours  Keep on smiling!

.

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Dear Bacon – What?  There’s nothing to see here.  You can move right along.  You see I was playing with my brother Bert.  Bert has a potty mouth.  He really does.  He called me a bad name.  I had to take up for myself.  The humans were in the backyard.  When they came in, I was the one that got in trouble.  How unfair is that?  He started it.  He really did.  Signed Ernie

Dear Ernie – Shaking my piggy head.  You know my friend, if Bert called you a name and I’m not saying he did or didn’t, sometimes one has to be the bigger anipal and move on.  You see there’s an old saying, “Sticks and stones my break my bones but words will never hurt me.”  Sure words can hurt but that’s just what they are – words.  And having your humans come in and seeing you bouncing on top of your brother, well that might just be interpreted as being a bully.  I’m just saying.  Think smarter.  If Bert has a potty mouth, you just need to have that come out at the right moment when your humans can hear… maybe record him.  Then again, I’ve always heard washing one mouth’s out with soap will take care of that potty mouth.  Snorts with piggy laughter.

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Dear Bacon – My humans cut back on my treat budget.  Now this is just unfair and so wrong on so many levels.  So when the humans went to work, I researched their bank account.  Who says us dogs can’t be private investigators.  Let me tell you one thing.  If they are going to cut my budget, they should think about their own food budget.  OMD!  I can’t begin to tell you how many debit charges I saw for food and treats for humans.  My budget was only used one time last month for a measly $12.59.  There treat budget was well over $600.00!  I say it’s time for fair play.  Signed P.I. Treats

Dear P.I. Treats – Dude, you have skills!  I’m going to have to send you a private email to find out how you got into your humans banking accounts.  I could make so many changes to my humans spending if I had access.  I say it’s time for you to have a sit down talk with your humans and tell them what you found.  It is way past time for equal food treats.

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Dear Bacon – Help Me.  My master thinks he is so funny in putting these stupid glasses on my face.  I will be the laughing pooch of the neighborhood if this gets out.  Shaking my dog head.  The insensitivity of master is overbearing.  What can I do?  Signed Silly Eyes

Dear Silly Eyes – I think these silly eyes require massive payback my friend.  I can think of several places you can maneuver them on your master’s body and take pictures.  Heck, one of those pictures might even wind up on your families Christmas cards.  Now who will be on the butt end of that joke then?

Whatever you decide to do, please keep us posted.  And when I first saw your picture.  I wasn’t laughing at you.  I was laughing with you.  Yeah that’s it.  Snorts with piggy laughter.

.

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REMEMBER MY FRIENDS – Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU.  Please continue to email me your letters and pictures ♥

 

Dear Bacon

 
Dear Bacon – Never EVER trust a dare from a dog my friend.  They will put you up to something knowing darn well that the end results would not be good… at least for the kitty.  The barky thing was like, “Hey, cool kitty don’t you want to fly?”  He persuaded me that hanging on to this balloon would be the coolest thing since sliced bread.  What he neglected to tell me was that the balloon was going to float my hairy little body up and it would scare me and then my nails would come out and when I was half way up the balloon would pop because of said nails.  That bastard dog is all I gotta say.  Never trust them.  Signed I’m Floating… but not for long

Dear I’m Floating … but Not for Long – Okay apparently the pooch had the brilliance of foresight to take your picture to capture this for eternity.  And you have to admit that it was really creative on his part to see if you could fly, even if it was momentarily.  Look at the bright side, you are a cool cat!

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Dear Bacon –  There I was.  Finally I had the attention of the gal that so rocks my world.  I was showing her my ninja moves trying to impress her with my skills and abilities.  While my buddy Rolan was on the porch rolling with kitty laughter.  I tell you pig, never let your friends stay around when you are trying to hit on a chick.  They don’t help in any way.  Signed Ninja Kitty

Dear Ninja Kitty – I gotta say you got some moves my friend.  I think that pose is awesome.  Who says cats can’t push themselves off of the floor and kick that high?  I wish I could!  I bet I would be able to impress the ladies too.  And don’t worry about Rolan.  That’s why he is still single – snorts.

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Dear Bacon – Sometimes when you are tired you are just too tired to care.  Here I was climbing my house to get my kitty cat exercise.  That’s when it hit me – BAM!  I was tired.  So I did what I do best.  I made the best of the situation and took me a little sunny siesta.  I could feel the heat from the sun on me and was dreaming for just a while that I was on the beach somewhere enjoying sand in my paws and a cold drink beside me.  Sigh – it was such a great dream.  That is until I fell out of the hammock onto my tushy on the floor.  Shakes my body.  Dreams suck sometimes.  Signed Taking Five

Dear Taking Five – I agree.  Sometimes dreams do suck.  Once, I had a dream that I met Miss Piggy and we were going swimming in a lake under the moonlight – just me and the love of my life.  The water woke me up – I peed on myself.  Shakes piggy head.  See, dreams can suck like you can’t imagine!

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  Dear Bacon – I’m all for one in picking up sports that fit your body and your skills.  I myself LOVE to swim – especially diving off of the diving board.  And what can I say?  This body was made for belly flops at our local watering hole.  I highly recommend them.  And I can tell that you would be good at this.  Just look at your pot-belly.  That is a piece of artwork you have there my friend.  Next time you get a chance, take the splash.  Signed Happy Trails

Dear Happy Trails – Really you think so?  You think this belly is made for some flops in the water?  I do work hard at maintaining my piggy physique.  It’s not as easy as one would think it is.  It takes time perfecting the right amount of munchies throughout the day to have this keg – who wants a six pack these days?  That’s just so common!  Happy swimming my friend!

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Dear Bacon – Play with the little humans they said.  No one will get hurt they said.  It would be fun they said… aren’t those famous last words?  So I let the little humans play with me – I was thinking chase not bury the treasure.  I knew I was in trouble when they dug a hole and stuck me in it.  And then the big humans had the nerve to yell, “Dinner”.  You know those pesky little people left me like this – nothing to help me but my paws and tail sticking up.  Really?  This is how you treat me for not leaving poo in your house.  Barks – we’ll see how fast that changes.  Signed Butt Deep in Trouble

Dear Butt Deep in Trouble – I have to admit that it does look kind of fun.  I mean not the you are stuck in the sand never to flee again or chase mailman fun… but the look at you aren’t you so cute with your paws and tail sticking out fun.  I think you look so very cute!  Don’t worry, you can bury the little humans next time when they play – fair play is fair play – snorts with piggy laughter.

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REMEMBER my friends, Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU.  Please continue to email me your letters and pictures ❤

 

Don Juan – I Despise You!

I hate Don Juan.  There you go.  That elf needs to be stopped NOW… like yesterday.  He is evil pure and simple.  I woke up this morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed.  I stretched my hooves, yawned and tooted.  What?  You don’t do that in the mornings?  I then rolled over to look at my picture of Miss Piggy on my night stand and got the shock of my little piggy life.  My Miss Piggy picture was gone and in it’s place was this hideous, nightmarish joke from Don Juan.  I squealed so loudly that I think Nana heard me all the way up the street.  The nerve of this so called elf for Santa.  I’m writing the head elf of the Union.  This can’t go on anymore.  Shivers and looks in every corner of my bedroom. 

 

Breaking News – STOP EVERYTHING!

 STOP EVERYTHING –

Oh my piggy – I’m so excited.  I haven’t been this excited since mom upgraded my cable in my bedroom on my flat screen television.  Last night, this was breaking news.  Oh my piggy heavens!  I have a chance.  Quick, I need a bath.  I need new clothes.  I need a stylist.  I need a plane ticket to Hollywood.  Someone set me up quick.

The woman of my dreams is not available – SQUEALS!

 

Fantasy Island

Do you remember the show on television called Fantasy Island?  It had Mr. Roarke and Tattoo on a mysterious island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.  Visitors came to the island to have their fantasies play out that they desired.

This is a cool show and I wish it was still in production.  I have the videos and I watch them on my television in my bedroom all of the time.  And I gotta ask, what kind of M&M’s did Tattoo like?  The plane – the plane.  Snorts – okay I had to get that out of my piggy system.

Okay here’s the real question.  If you went on Fantasy Island, what would your fantasy be?  Mine would be to be king on a strawberry plantation and have Miss Piggy hand feed me strawberries all day long.  Can you see that?  I so can!  So go – what would your fantasy be?

P.S.  I asked mom what her fantasy would be.  Are you ready for this?  She said to be Wonder Woman for one day – the looks, the costume, the power and Steve Trevor.  Hubba-hubba.  Her words not mine- eeww.

 

April Fool’s Day?

Happy April Fool’s Day my friends.  What?  That’s not how it’s suppose to go?  Oh, I get it.  I’m suppose to “fool” you into something that you are not aware of.  Oh I see – that’s how it works.  Well, since I’ve already blown that part let me go in another direction.  That would be fun, right?  Nods piggy head – sure it will be.

I will tell you three things.  ONE of them is true.  YOU guess which one.  How’s that for an April Fool’s Day?  These may be tough so work it out my friends.

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Statement 1 –

Since mommy loves the Mickey Mouse so much, dad thought he would meet her half way.  He loves the rock group KISS.

So, daddy compromised and got this rocking Mickey Mouse/KISS tattoo this past weekend.  Cool huh?

It looks tough.  It looks cool.  Mommy loves it.  Daddy loves it.  It’s a win-win situation.  Don’t you think it’s groovy?

.

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Statement 2 –

Oh dear piggy heavens help me – please help me!  Mom and dad are doing a complete renovation here at the Hotel Thompson.  Work started today and should be completed by Friday, April 17, 2015.

We are talking gut work – front room, kitchen and hallway.  Out with all of the old – furniture, carpet and yucky linoleum in the kitchen.  Painted walls, new floors and new furniture – perhaps some other really cool stuff.

All by Friday, April 17, 2015.  Can I come live with you?

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Statement 3 –

Our next door neighbor is getting a piggy – squeals – I’m going to have a girlfriend for real!  They’ve talked about it for a while now.

I’m so excited.  I can’t wait for you any longer Miss Piggy. 😦

.

.

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There you go my friends.  Three statements – which one is the truth?  Go!

 

Dear Bacon

 Dear Bacon – What can I say?  I’m a happy camper.  I know your dislike for a certain frog but hey can’t we be buds?  Not all of us frogs are all green and taking your woman.  I understand completely.  Does this look like a face of a frog that would take your Miss Piggy?  I think not.  Signed Can’t We Be Friends

Dear Can’t We Be Friends –  Aaaww my new pal.  I would love to be your friend.  And you are right.  I only dislike one certain green frog who thinks he is God’s gift to my woman… Kermit.  When he decides to leave my Goddess alone, then we might possibly be friends as well.  Kermit if you are listening – call me okay.

.

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Dear Bacon – I know how your mom loves the mouse with white gloves, Mickey Mouse.  I’m a fan of the other one – Minnie Mouse.  My humans know how much I love her so they bought me this head gear to wear so I could be her.  What do you think?  Am I missing anything?  Signed The New Minnie Mouse Dog

Dear The New Minnie Mouse Dog – You look amazing my friend.  I absolutely ❤ it!  My mom would be so envious in all of your glory.  Do you know what would really set off your outfit?  White gloves.  Oh squeals.  That would have all of the Mickey Mouse Club knocking on your door.  You rock my new friend!  Wear those ears with pride!

.

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Dear Bacon –  Don’t fear.  This is not a scary movie or a remake of Jurassic Park.  We are real.  We live and roam in the Galapagos Islands in Ecuador.  Wouldn’t it be a hoot to play together?  Of course, you might run a smidgen faster than us but we would enjoy the company.  If you are ever in these parts, call us okay.  Signed Aldi and Gang

Dear Aldi and Gang –  WOW!  Ya’ll are awesome.  I bet we would have a heck of a great time playing together.  Do you think I could piggy back on one of ya’ll?  Instead of the tortoise and the hare stories, we could make the tortoise and the Bacon stories – snorts and rolls with laughter.

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Dear Bacon – Sure, pick on the cow.  My so called friends dared me to get up here on this contraption.  Said it would be fun and exciting.  Yeah, it’s fun and exciting alright.  Can you get me off of this thing pig?  Signed Betsy

Dear Betsy, Oh dear piggy heavens my friend.  You are in a pickle.  I’ll call Farmer McDonald to come save you.  Just don’t bounce okay.  It might be a few minutes.

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Dear Bacon – The humans they are fickle.  I bought my human a gift.  Something I worked hard on getting to repay them for their kindness in giving me my forever home.  What do I get in return?  A screech so loud that I think they heard it on the other side of the world.  I really think I heard glass breaking somewhere in the house.  Then the human did something even weirder.  They jumped on the table and wouldn’t come off until I took their gift outside.  Really?  Fickle humans.  Signed The Great Hunter

Dear The Great Hunter – Snorts.  You see my friend.  Humans like their food cooked… and only certain kinds of food.  I don’t think mice are on their listed foods they eat.  Yet, it was such a wonderful gift to give to them.  You are the great hunter, so gifted. Maybe the next time though hunt some cow.  I’ve heard they like cow…. a LOT.  Carry on and safe hunting.

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REMEMBER FRIENDS – We can’t have Dear Bacon issues without YOU.  Keep your pictures and questions coming to me via email 🙂

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Kermit Gone Bad

Dear Miss Piggy,

Kermit is bad for you.  Look at this drunken amphibian.  Getting drunk – taking selfies and posting them on Facebook.  All of this when he should be spending quality time with the Goddess that you are.

Any time you are ready for a better life and to be treated like you should – call me okay.

Your Loving Future Piggy Husband – Bacon