Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – We are the Bark Crew.  We do spare jobs around the house and inside of the house.  We have extra paws so we are good at electrical and tile work.  You have work – we need the job.  So can you spread the word?  Signed Bark Crew

Dear Bark Crew – Now that’s what I’m talking about.  Anipals for anipals and getting the job done.  Can you give me a few references to also share?  I’m sure the dads around the houses will love someone else helping with their Honey Do lists for sure!

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 Dear Bacon – The humans went out for their date night and this is my time for Netflix and Chill.  Yeah, I no humans do it a little different but what can I say.  I’m an anipal that has an incentive – booze, cheeze-its and dog movies.  Look at the woof on that pooch on screen!  That’s what I’m talking about.  SIgned Chilling

Dear Chilling – Hey dude – I like how you think. The next time your humans go out, give me a call and we will make a party of it.  I know of a few anipals we could invite.  While the humans are away – we can live it up with some Jamison!

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Dear Bacon – We just want you to know the truth.  When the song Bad Boys comes on and asks what you going to do – think of us.  We are undercover canines for the police department.  Sorry we can’t show you our faces – we’re undercover dude.  But we are always working and on the job – heck we could be in your hood and you would never know.  If you did, we wouldn’t be doing our job, right?  So carry on little pig and don’t worry – we are here to protect you!  Signed Undercover

Dear Undercover – Squeals with piggy delight.  DUDES!  I so wanna go undercover too.  I just know I could be a undercover pig.  I mean who would expect a pig, right?  I know I have the skills – I just know it.  Do you think I could shadow ya’ll one day in a ride along?  Just let me know and I’ll be there.  Be safe out there on those mean streets!

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Dear Bacon – Times are tough these days.  My humans are barely making it work so I told them I would help out and get a job to make some of that green stuff.  So I did what any good standing pooch would do.  Hello – I’m your Uber driver 🙂  They will hire anyone as long as you have a car and know the streets.  And what better anipal to fit that criteria but me.  So hit me up if you need a ride.  I keep water and dog biscuits in the back set for your pleasure.  Thanks bunches.  Signed Cliff

Dear Cliff – Yo dude you should be racking in the money with your set up.  You have wheels, you are dressed business like and yes I do believe you that you know the streets.  And every good Uber driver has perks in the back seats for their pick ups – yours are righteous!  I will pass the information along to my fellow anipals that if they have been out partying too much, to hit you up on Uber from the Smart phones.  You rock dude!

 

 

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Dear Bacon – A dog’s job is never done in the house.  I slave all day to make sure everyone eats.  And you know what?  I have an important questions.  Why does everyone have to eat every day?  I’m always cooking, cleaning, cooking and cleaning.  It never stops.  Just today the little two legged terrors had the munchies and wanted cookies.  Sure, I’m going to do my part while the humans are out of the house.  It is my job to make sure those kids eat and stay out of trouble.  Always busy.  Signed Julia Kid

Dear Julia Kid – I so want to live in your house my friend.  I would love to be your sous chef in that kitchen and help you out… only for food – oinks and snorts.  You’re doing a wonderful job – keep cooking!

 

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❤ Dear Friends – Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU.  Please keep emailing me your pictures and letters.  ❤

 

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – My mom holds my trunk every time we go out on walks.  It’s so embarrassing.  I like to think that I’m a big elephant now.  I don’t need to hold hands.  Does your mom make you do these things too?  Signed Mommy’s Boy

Dear Mommy’s Boy –  I hate to tell you this my friend but we will always be mommy’s baby regardless if we are two or a hundred and two.  That’s the way it is.  I wouldn’t worry what anyone else thinks of your situation.  One day when your mom is gone, you will wish for these days again.  So I tell you, enjoy your mom holding your trunk.  Love every minute of it and hey why don’t you hold her trunk for a change.  You can tell your friends that’s the case.  You are protecting your mother and helping to guide her.

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Dear Bacon – This means war.  All day every day.  You do know what I’m talking about, right?  I refuse to become a chicken nugget.  I’m a rebel with a cause.  I’m the extreme free range chicken.  Unite with me and stand with the cause.  Signed Rebel with a Cause

Dear Rebel with a Cause – I’m so with you.  I would stand beside you for your cause.  I would even add my cause.  I refuse to be a pork meal in any shape or form from bacon to pork chops and anything in between.  If we don’t stand up for our rights,ele who will?  I say we have a meet up at Old McDonald’s Farm on Highway 42 at midnight to talk about our stand.  I’ll start making posters and hanging them in all of the fast food restaurant bathrooms ASAP.
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Dear Bacon – There we were at the local bar mingling when we ordered a drink called the Blue Calypso.  Were we surprised when it came to the table.  Oh my hamsters – it had a garnish that was alive and swimming.  We didn’t know whether to drink it, play with it or tip it.  What say you?  Signed The Twins – Adam and Bubba

Dear Adam and Bubba – Now *that* is a surprise my friends.  I’m with you.  What to do?  Well, you can’t drink/eat the tyke now.  You’ve been introduced and are on friendly terms now.  And on the other hoof, if you leave him, someone else will take care of your problem in a bad way.  I say, ask him to come home with you to keep him safe.  Wouldn’t that be fun to have an extra room-mate?   He does look kind of cool and just think of how much trouble ya’ll can get into.  I bet he would even be great at charades.

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Dear Bacon – There is always that one person in the hood that is your arch enemy.  So yes I have eaten little more lately than usual.  It’s summer. It’s hot.  There’s nothing else to do but eat.  Maybe perhaps I shouldn’t have eaten that last dog biscuit.  I went outside to take care of some business and while coming back in I got stuck in a compromising position.  I swear someone shrunk my doggy door.  And then there is that one friend-enemy that snuck up behind me and drew a happy face on my butt.  Really?  Don’t push me and help guy out, embarrass him instead.  What an idiot.  When I get out of this position, he is so going to pay.  What do you think?  Signed Two Faced

Dear Two Faced – Give me a second to gain my composure.  I’m not laughing at you.  I’m laughing with you at the situation.  It could very well be this little porker stuck in the doggy door.  While your friend-enemy was drawing on your butt perhaps you should have told him to kiss while he was back there.  At least he wasn’t talking behind your back – snorts.  And don’t worry, I’m sure you will get even.  You know what they say about karma – it goes around  Don’t forget that okay.

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Dear Bacon – Julia Child – nope.  Emeril – nope.  Bobby Flay – nope.  I’m the original Chef Wolf Dog Gang. Since graduating from the CICC (Culinary Institution of Canine Cooking), I can’t stay out of the kitchen.  Not only can I bring home the bacon (sorry pal) but I can cook it up in the pan.  Friends in the hood come from all over to taste some of my creations.  You can often find me shopping in gardens around the house and coming up with such masterpieces as Hot Dog Casserole, Mutt Balls with Brown Rice, Doggy Lasagna and Chicken Backlash.  They are all must haves and I hope to market them soon.  When I get my cooking channel up, I would love for you to be my first guest.  Signed Chef Wolf Dog Gang

Dear Chef Wolf Dog Gang – That is totally awesome that you picked up a hobby that is also a career.  You know what they say about if you enjoy and love your job, you will never work a day in your life.  Keep up the great work and hey can  you send me some Mutt Balls with Brown Rice?  That sounds fantastic!  Oh and I would love to be your first guest as long as well you know… I’m a guest and not the guest of the meal if you know what I mean – snorts.

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REMEMBER my friends – Dear Bacon can’t happen without *YOU*  Keep your pictures and questions coming by sending them to me on my email address.

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Dear Bacon… Issue 4

Thank you so much for the questions and pictures that you are sending in to the Dear Bacon column.  I’m getting enough for a weekly column now – YAY!!  Remember, send your questions and/or pictures to me at BaconThompson@gmail.com

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Dear Bacon,

I think I’ve found a new career for myself.  I absolutely love wrestling bro.  I’ve got a move that I like to refer to as the Butt Kisser.  I get my opponent down and sit on his face.  Sometimes I get excited and well a little air is exchanged if you know what I mean.  What do you think – I got a career or what?  Signed Butt Kisser

Dear Butt Kisser,

You definitely got some moves pooch.  I’m not even going to ask how many so-called friends you tried this move on in your neighborhood.  What do you see some fellow canines walking down the street, chase after them, sit on their faces and expel gas?  What is your street name there again?  Running Gas Bomb?  Bully the Butt?  Come on – back off the moves.  Unless you’re in the arena actually wrestling, I think I’m safe to say that your fellow canines don’t appreciate what you’re doing. 

Dear Bacon,

Oh man, I’m like so excited man.  I love coke man.  The more the merrier man.  I don’t care where it comes from – I must have it little man.  What am I to do? – Signed High on Coke Man

Dear High on Coke Man,

Back up from the straw little squirrel.  Go ahead, no walk away.  You are so hyper that given a hamster wheel you could make enough energy to put GE out of business.  You don’t need the stimulants.  You need a 12 step program.  One day at a time.  Admission is the first step.  You can do it!

Dear Bacon,

I love to cook!  My passion is cooking!  I don’t care about chasing the post man or milk man – I’d rather cook for them.  My parents don’t know about this.  Secretly at night, I go into the kitchen and act like Julia Child.  It’s so much fun!  Of course, I clean everything up before the master gets up.  Should I come out of the closet? – Signed Chef on the Download

Dear Chef on the Download,

Dude, if you can cook – come out of the closet.  Don’t walk – RUN!  I’m sure your parents would enjoy being waiting on by their dog for a change.  Just remember basics like washing your paws okay.  Practice on and maybe you can get on Hell’s Kitchen next year!

Dear Bacon,

I hate my job.  You know those pesky people who call you from credit card companies trying to collect money?  That’s me.  (Hey, it happens!  You know there’s a talking bear movie fixing to come out called Ted.)  We do collections.  Well, I hate calling people and trying to collect money.  I may look all cute and everything but my voice is really deep like Samuel Jackson so they hired me for the job.  But, I’m not like that.  I want a new job.  What should I do? – Signed Collector with a Big Voice

Dear Collector with a Big Voice,

Little dude, there is a special place for your work kind.  Not talking specifically about you in general but your trade.  Why don’t you find something that you like.  I’m sure there are a lot of different phone positions for a breed of your disposition.  Try some different telemarketing jobs until you find something you like.