Beware My Friends

Beware my friends.  We have been watching the ID (Investigative Discovery) channel all weekend.  I’ve picked up a few things from the shows.

1 – There is never a perfect murder.

2 – Never leave DNA, spit, hair follicles, blood or other known sources of bodily fluids at a crime scene.

3 – Never go back to the crime scene.

4 – Pick one story and stick to it.  The least you make up the more you will remember and not get tripped up when and if you get interviewed.

5 – Never fall for the bad cop good cop routine.

6 – Never fall for it when the cops say they have proof or someone saw you.  Tsk-Tsk Who says cops have to tell you the truth when you are being interviewed.

7 – Knowing all of this, don’t commit any murders or crimes.  I don’t know about you but this pot belly doesn’t look good behind bars dressed in orange sharing a space with Bubba – snorts!

8 – If all else fails, blame daddy – double evil snorts!

 

 

Lowers Piggy Head – I’m in Trouble my Friends

 This is me in time out.  Sighs.  Mom says I have to pay the time for the crime.  I don’t get it.  I was just helping her out.  You have to believe me on that.  AND if you take my side after I tell you the story, then please write me a note to get me out of piggy jail in the comments.  Will you do that my friends?

So this is what happened.  We were all in the living room watching the ID channel.  For those that don’t know what the ID channel is – ID stands for Investigative Discovery.  They have ALL kinds of forensic shows of real crimes that take place from all over the world and how forensics solved them.  On the show that we were watching, the victim was in a vegetative state and had a living will to be taken off of all life saving equipment if such a thing happened to her.

My mom was over on her chaise working on my laptop that was plugged into the wall. She had been pounding that keyboard for hours now.  She was also drinking a glass of wine and had sat the glass on the floor.  She told all of us – Mouse Girl, Hemi, Houdini and daddy, that if she was ever in a vegetative state, she didn’t want to be dependent on a machine or fluids from a bottle.  She told us that if that happened, to pull the plug.  She said that my friends.

 I was just doing what she asked.  I got up, unplugged her laptop and knocked over her glass of wine.  I don’t think she thought I was helping her from her current vegetative state.  Snorts.  What say you?

 

 

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon, Do you recognize this look my friend?  You know the doorbell rings but you are running around in your birthday suit.  You answer it from the corner wondering, “Who would come over without calling first” kind of look in your face.  You are secretly wishing it’s a girls scout selling cookies but oh no – it’s only someone selling something.  You give them this eat crap and die look before shutting the door.  No offense solicitors but unless you have thin mints, go to the neighbors house.  Signed Don’t Bother

Dear Don’t Bother,  YES I recognize that look.  Once all of the humans have settled into the Hotel Thompson, it’s a no bother zone unless you phone first – especially after dark. Shivers – I’ve seen too many shows on the Investigative Discovery channel.  No way am I opening the door.  And you are right… unless they have thin mints.  They could be someone from a horror show but if they are selling thin mints, I’m grabbing the boxes

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Dear Bacon,  You know sometimes I really hate my siblings.  They tell me that I chase butterflies too often grinning like the Cheshire cat and singing Disney songs. What’s it to them?  Who’s a happy gator – this guy!  Can’t we all just be happy and get along?  Signed Chomp

Dear Chomp,  I’m with you my bud.  I’m singing Hakuna Matata right now in my head.  It’s such a happy song all about no worries for the rest of your lives.  If you don’t know it, I highly recommend you looking it up and playing it.  It’s great and perky – just a song for chasing butterflies.  Be yourself and don’t let your siblings bully you into something you’re not!

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 Dear Bacon, I’ve called this meeting here today to talk to you about your little brother Houdini.  You know us dogs have skills.  We can be your allies or we can be your enemies.  You don’t want us to be your enemies.  I’m just saying.  This face may look all cute and everything but my inner dog is 500 pounds just like Houdini’s.  You might want to rethink your relationship with the little guy.  We can come in handy for a lot of things.  Signed Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,  Oh my friend, there is no doubt about the skills of you pooches.  Houdini is my little buddy.  Sometimes I even let him sleep with me in my bed at night.  He’s a great guy and helps me out with the purr things here all of the time.  Especially that Hemi who uses my butt like a slapping post.  No worries – I know ya’ll rule!

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 Dear Bacon, Score for the little dog!  I’ve been watching the humans and where they get my food.  Oh barks!  One day when they weren’t looking, I was able to get into the bag of heaven and SCORE!  Oh dude – I was in puppy heaven for a while until the master caught me.  But by that time, I had eaten half of the bag.  I was so fat I couldn’t walk.  I was rolling around with a silly happy grin on my face.  You ever done this before?  Signed Rolly Polly

 Dear Rolly Polly,  Snorts!  I ❤ this my friend.  I’ve never gotten into the bag before.  But once when I was Nana’s, I ate so much that I couldn’t even squeak I was so pudgy.  I was uncomfortable for a while but like you – it was so worth it!

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Dear Bacon,  I hate it when the humans make me dress up.  We had to go to a wedding this past weekend and they insisted on me wearing a tux.  Really?  I’m a dog.  Rolls doggy eyes.  Tell me they don’t make you dress in this ridiculous outfit.  Signed Mister Doggy in the Wedding

Dear Mister Doggy in the Wedding – I have to admit pal that you make that tux look good.  Really you do.  Sometimes we have to do things that we really don’t want to do but need to do.  That was probably one of those situations.  I don’t particular have to dress up… yet.  But can you believe Houdini here has a tux. 🙂  It happens to the best of us.  Wear it with pride!

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Remember my friends – we can’t have Dear Bacon without your letters and pictures.  Please keep sending them to me – snorts and thanks!

 

I Have Proof!

Finally!  I have proof about our arrangements here at the Hotel Thompson.  You wouldn’t believe it.  I was shocked myself.  I’ve told you stories about that little monster Hemi who thinks he rules the roost here.  He’s in charge as he likes to tell everyone.  Trust me, to a certain point I let him believe that.  He likes to *try* to put me in my place by slapping my butt with his huge MONSTER IN CHARGE paw.  Usually when he does this, I squeal and run to mom.  I mean, I’m a man pig but mommy can bring down the wrath on him – snorts.

Well last night, I was hiding sleeping on the sofa and he didn’t see me.  What he did to daddy – shocking.  I’m telling you – SHOCKING!  This is just the proof of how wrapped he has daddy around his huge paws.  What was that?  You want to see my proof.  Okay – here you go.

What do you think now?  And look at that wicked look on his face!  I just know this is going to end up on Investigative Discovery channel.  I can see it now, “Animals that Kill”.  Hemi will be the first one serving time.  snorts!

 

10 Signs You’re Watching the ID Channel Too Much

Okay I admit it.  I’m addicted.  I’m addicted to the ID channel.  You know – investigative discovery.  It could be a worse.  I could have a gambling problem.  I could have a money problem.  I could be addicted to the ladies.  Nope – I’m addicted to Investigative Discovery.  I can’t help it.

Behind Mansion Walls, Disappeared , Catch My Killer, Dateline, Nightmare Next Door, On the Case with Paula Zahn, Homicide Hunter, Redrum, Swamp Murders, Southern Fried Homicide – these are just a few of the shows that get my piggy blood pumping!

Some people ask what is in my Netflix que or recorded to tape on my television – now you know.  I love a good who did it show.  I put on my Sherlock Holmes hat, get out my Columbo cigar, my pencil and notebook.  Yep, I’m addicted.  Do you know else is addicted right there with me?  Nods head up and down, yep my mommy.

Daddy says we watch too many of these shows.  I don’t think so.  I look at it as an educational research program for me and mom.  It keeps us on our hooves and toes.  But I guess I can admit there are times when maybe – and I stress that maybe – we are watching too much.  You be the judge.

10 Signs You’re Watching the ID Channel Too Much

1.  After watching the ID channel, you double check and then TRIPLE check to make sure all of your locks are set on every door and window in the house.

2.  You find yourself screaming at the television, “Don’t do it!”; “Turn around!”; “Don’t open the closet door!”; “Don’t get in the car!”; or my favorite, “Are you crazy!?!”  and mom’s favorite, “Has she seriously not called the cops yet?!”

3.  You’ve thought about doing a background check on your significant other because you just never know who you’ve married.

4.  When your spouse brings you a drink without asking, you automatically want to switch glasses with them just in case.

5.  When going on vacation, the first thing you ask is, “Do you have the ID channel?” followed by “What about free WifI?”

6.  When passing a hitch hiker, you just know in your mind’s eye that he has a hatchet or some sort of torture device in his back pack.

7.  When at a restaurant and the table next to you asks to borrow your salt shaker, you give them EVERYTHING on your table because you know people have been killed for less.

8.  When a friend asks you to ‘go for a ride’ and doesn’t tell you where ya’ll are going, you call everyone in front of him to let them know who you are with, start the recording device on your Smart phone and leave bread crumbs as a trail to find you…. just in case.

9.  You’re friends give you a surprise birthday party and the first thing you do when the lights come on and everyone yells surprise is take cover behind the sofa in a fetal position.

10.  Just the sound of any of the shows on the ID channel sends chills up and down your spine and you begin to wonder how the show is going to end this time.

Tell me my friends that I’m not the only one addicted to a channel that you just can’t get enough of…. please 🙂