Friends I Need Your Help

This is me over the weekend.  Yep believe it or not I’m digging the backyard at times.  There’s all kinds of adventures to be held out there.  I look at this picture and it screams to me that I’m too skinny.  Really!  Look at those ribs.  I think I need to ‘fatten’ up a bit.  Dad agrees but I think for an entirely different reason if you know what I mean – shivers to mergatroid.

Mom says I’m just fine and that she has to watch my weight because a heavy piggy is a sick piggy.  I hear her.  I really do.  But when she starts talking diet stuff all I hear is blah, blah, blah.  I mean, what’s a couple of more bananas and another cut of animal crackers a day.  Piggy starving here…. snorts with piggy laughter.

 

Pineapple and Daddy

As some of you know, I have a love/hate relationship with my daddy.  I mean he loves me and I love him but it’s nothing like the love me and mom share.  Can you relate?  We tolerate – yeah that’s a good word – tolerate each other.  He takes care of me during the day and I like to think I take care of him during the day too.

Well, this weekend we were outside playing around.  I was down in the yard of the magical back yard and he was with me with mommy up on the deck.  Just for a moment, deviled ham came out in me.

  I tried to hide him back inside of me… you know sweet bacon.  But, it just wasn’t going to happen.  Sigh – deviled ham came out full force.  I looked at daddy and all I could see was a target.  I know I shouldn’t but it happened.  I stomped my hooves, ran around the magical back yard and at full force slammed into daddy who was kneeling over weeding.  For a big ex football player, he fell hard with a good thump.  Maybe that’s because he wasn’t expecting me… you think?  Then that old meanie deviled ham did something terrible.  He grabbed daddy’s pant legs and started pulling.  I thought for a minute deviled ham was going to pull off daddy’s pants in the backyard.

But then, daddy did the strangest thing.  He said really loud, “Safe word is pineapple – PINEAPPLE”.  He kept repeating pineapple.  Shakes piggy head.  Can you believe that?  Even when deviled ham is trying to play, daddy still thinks of food.  And mom says my mind is a one track way with food.  Snorts.

With daddy screaming pineapple and deviled ham snorting, this got mom’s attention on the deck.  Mom said those words that everyone hates to hear.  The full name – shivers.  She yelled out, “Bacon Porkchop Thompson, you get up here NOW”.  Oh snap.  That’s right – deviled ham snapped right out of my inner body and sweet bacon came out pronto.  I stopped, put my tail between my legs and slowly stomped up the board to the deck.  Man, I was in trouble.  The full name followed by NOW.

I got up on the deck and mom fussed at me.  I mean really fussed.  What was I thinking?  I can’t play rough like that, etc.  I tried to tell her it was deviled ham.  She didn’t have any of it.  She sent me to my bedroom… you know pay the time for the crime.  Shucks… it was all in good fun.

But, I went to my room.  I hope mommy fed daddy some pineapple.  He seemed like he really wanted some.  And don’t worry, dad wasn’t hurt.  He thought it was kind of fun too.  We made apologies later in the day and all is good now.

But you see, that deviled ham is evil.  Do you have a deviled ham?

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon,
I’ve read your column recommending yoga and how everyone thinks its the best thing since sliced bread. I’m not a fan. I’m not sure what this position was suppose to be but it’s not natural. I guess it’s not meant for everyone.

Signed Pretzel

Dear Pretzel,
Well, you do look like you’re a little tied up there. What’s it like to be able to kiss your own butt? Snort

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Dear Bacon,
So I walked into a bar and ordered a beer. What’s wrong with that? I’m of age. Why not think its strange that the bartender served me?

Why does it have to be me with a problem?

Signed Cheers

Dear Cheers,

I don’t see a problem with that. If you can (A) walk into a bar; (B) order your own beer; (C) sit at the bar and (D) drink it, I say you deserve it. I salute you!

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 Dear Bacon,
Do you ever have one of those days that you don’t know if your coming/going? If you need to eat or go wizzy? I had a moment and of course my dad had to take a picture. Who knows where it will show up next on the Internet. Signed Two Birds With One Stone

Dear Two Birds With One Stone,
Hey little man, no worries. Sometimes life happens. You’re hungry and you have to go. I’ll tell you a little secret. At times when I go wizzy for mom on my piggy pad, she will feed me a carrot while I’m going. Hey, whatever you gotta do my friend for food, do it.

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Dear Bacon,
I’m like you. I have a short leg challenge. There’s lots of things I can’t do either because of those challenged little legs. I found the perfect solution – stilts. They do take some getting used to but hey no more short legs. You gotta get a pair of these things and try them. Signed Vertically Challenged

Dear Vertically Challenged,
You do look a lot taller. Mine would have to be taller. You know, to make room for my garage of a belly. 🙂 snort They do look like fun. I’m wondering if I could get mom to make me some for fun? I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – There.  I’m ready for Winter.  Bring it on Mother Nature.  I’m ready to get rid of the heat and welcome the cooler weather.  My scarf is ready and I’m waiting.  Tap.tap.tap.  That’s my paws tapping while I’m waiting.  When is this winter suppose to get here pal?  Signed Scarf Dog

Dear Scarf Dog – Oh my friend.  I agree with you about weather.  And you do look so very sharp in your scarf – you will be ready for it when Mother Nature decides to play nice.  Now, we have had some cooler days and I can tell with my piggy senses that it’s coming.  But winter is still a far piece away.  Autumn will be here September 23.  Winter is not officially here until December December 21.  So we do have some time.  But Autumn does bring cooler weather too.  And this little oinker can’t wait!  Until then, stay cool my friend.

 

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Dear Bacon – Sometimes you just need a sleep buddy to hold on to to keep the nightmares away.  It’s always better knowing someone is there for you.  Do you have a sleep buddy?  Signed Ginger Twins

Dear Ginger Twins – I think that’s a fabulous idea my friends.  Mom and dad go to sleep holding hands.  They say that otters do the same thing so they don’t float away from each other in the water.  You see, lots of anipals do this and I do believe it’s a wonderful way to fall off to sleep knowing someone has your paw.  Sometimes I sleep with mom/dad and get close to them.  Other times, Houdini or Mouse Girl will bunk with me and lay real close.

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Dear Bacon – It’s not bad enough that I have to wear the cone of shame.  Oh no.  I should have known something was up when my human dad wanted to hold me for a second.  I could feel him doing something to my cone of shame but didn’t know what.  That is until I met up with the mirror and saw his creation.  Really dad?  Perhaps I should get you a cone of shame?  Signed Bat Cat

Dear Bat Cat – I have to admit it my friend but that cone of shame is priceless.  How many other purr things do you know that can say their cone of shame was made just for them.  I say wear it with pride and hey give your human daddy some slack.  His creativity could make you ‘the cat’ of the neighborhood.  Give it a test and see what I mean.  Others will be so jealous!

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Dear Bacon – Okay I let the humans sleep in on the weekend.  I didn’t pounce on them and wake them up.  I showed respect and refrained from barking my head off.  But this is where I draw the line.  It is now noon and my bowl is empty.  I’m going to start wasting away soon without my food.  Darn these paws.  If I had fingers, I could get my own food out of the bag and refrigerator.  Humans – WAKE UP.  Signed Hungry Jack

Dear Hungry Jack – WOW – noon huh?  That is total control on your part my friend.  Perhaps pull the humans blankets off of them?  They will wake up quickly with that.  And this picture is priceless for them.  Perhaps email or text it to their magical cell phones.  They wake up pretty quick when those things ring too.  Hope you get fed soon 🙂

 

 

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – There.  I’m ready for Winter.  Bring it on Mother Nature.  I’m ready to get rid of the heat and welcome the cooler weather.  My scarf is ready and I’m waiting.  Tap.tap.tap.  That’s my paws tapping while I’m waiting.  When is this winter suppose to get here pal?  Signed Scarf Dog

Dear Scarf Dog – Oh my friend.  I agree with you about weather.  And you do look so very sharp in your scarf – you will be ready for it when Mother Nature decides to play nice.  Now, we have had some cooler days and I can tell with my piggy senses that it’s coming.  But winter is still a far piece away.  Autumn will be here September 23.  Winter is not officially here until December December 21.  So we do have some time.  But Autumn does bring cooler weather too.  And this little oinker can’t wait!  Until then, stay cool my friend.

 

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Dear Bacon – Sometimes you just need a sleep buddy to hold on to to keep the nightmares away.  It’s always better knowing someone is there for you.  Do you have a sleep buddy?  Signed Ginger Twins

Dear Ginger Twins – I think that’s a fabulous idea my friends.  Mom and dad go to sleep holding hands.  They say that otters do the same thing so they don’t float away from each other in the water.  You see, lots of anipals do this and I do believe it’s a wonderful way to fall off to sleep knowing someone has your paw.  Sometimes I sleep with mom/dad and get close to them.  Other times, Houdini or Mouse Girl will bunk with me and lay real close.

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Dear Bacon – It’s not bad enough that I have to wear the cone of shame.  Oh no.  I should have known something was up when my human dad wanted to hold me for a second.  I could feel him doing something to my cone of shame but didn’t know what.  That is until I met up with the mirror and saw his creation.  Really dad?  Perhaps I should get you a cone of shame?  Signed Bat Cat

Dear Bat Cat – I have to admit it my friend but that cone of shame is priceless.  How many other purr things do you know that can say their cone of shame was made just for them.  I say wear it with pride and hey give your human daddy some slack.  His creativity could make you ‘the cat’ of the neighborhood.  Give it a test and see what I mean.  Others will be so jealous!

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Dear Bacon – Okay I let the humans sleep in on the weekend.  I didn’t pounce on them and wake them up.  I showed respect and refrained from barking my head off.  But this is where I draw the line.  It is now noon and my bowl is empty.  I’m going to start wasting away soon without my food.  Darn these paws.  If I had fingers, I could get my own food out of the bag and refrigerator.  Humans – WAKE UP.  Signed Hungry Jack

Dear Hungry Jack – WOW – noon huh?  That is total control on your part my friend.  Perhaps pull the humans blankets off of them?  They will wake up quickly with that.  And this picture is priceless for them.  Perhaps email or text it to their magical cell phones.  They wake up pretty quick when those things ring too.  Hope you get fed soon 🙂

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REMEMBER friends.  Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU.  Please continue to send me your pictures and questions via email.

 

 

Dear Evil Squirrel – Special Edition

This week we have a Special Edition of Dear Bacon.  This week my good friend Evil Squirrel is going to fill in for me.  Be sure to visit him and let him know what a wonderful job he did my friends!

 

Dear Evil Squirrel,
Sshh – don’t tell the owner. She hasn’t had her eyes checked in some time and still thinks I’m her kitty. I have it made until she gets new glasses. Any suggestions on how to maintain this trick? Signed Kitty in Disguise

Dear Kitty in Disguise,  I have to commend you for pulling the wool over the human’s eyes using nothing more than a cheap eye mask.  I thought that stuff only worked in Bugs Bunny cartoons.  If you’ve managed to fool her for this long, I think you can probably succeed over the long haul.  Just remember to keep sulking and taking 23 hour long naps like every other kitteh does so she doesn’t get suspicious.  Oh, and keep the rabies to yourself… you may be able to fool your owner, but I don’t think your local animal control officers are gonna buy that disguise.

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Dear Evil Squirrel,
Hey when the humans are away the snake will play. I got hungry for a hot pocket. What I learned though was I need some fingers. Any suggestions? Signed Hotss Pocketss

Dear Hotss Pocketss,  I will personally unwrap and microwave all of the Hot Pockets you want at your request.  All I ask in return is that you don’t get hungry for something exotic like…. oh… squirrel.  You’re not a tree climbing snake, are you?  That picture is going to give me nightmares for the rest of my life!

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Dear Evil Squirrel,
You may enter and use my throne. Make it quick though. I have plans to make and households to overtake. Signed King George

Dear King George,  Bad kitteh!  Bad!  Do your humans perch themselves on top of your litter box and watch as you do your business?  The bathroom is the most important room in the house to two-footers, and I fear that is one throne you are going to be forced to abdicate.  Besides, you don’t really want to be hanging around when your subjects are parting with that chili they had for dinner.

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Dear Evil Squirrel,
Me up to no good? Surely you are joking. What would give you that kind of idea that I’m into trouble? Signed Smirky

Dear Smirky,  Up to no good?  Ha!  We squirrels know a thing or two about being up to no good, and I can assure you, the perfect “up to no good” face looks a lot more dastardly than that.  No, I just assumed you found your human’s bottle of Prozac and helped yourself to some happiness.  I know saying a dog looks happy seems to be pretty redundant, but you seem to be what my good pal George Carlin liked to call “more than happy”.  When Edie Brickell sung about a “smile on a dog,” she had to be thinking of you!  Keep smiling, Smirky.  Keep smiling…

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Dear Evil Squirrel,
Darn those ghosts! I’m so close to getting a high score on Pac Man. I know I can do it. Have you played? Signed Wonka Cat

Dear Wonka Cat,  I was quite the video gaming expert back in my day.  I spent more acorns than I care to think about outrunning ghosts, leaping barrels, shooting aliens, and blasting centipedes.  At least you have the luxury of unlimited continues, so all I can say is keep practicing.  And if Pac Man gets too frustrating, switch to Super Mario Brothers and take it out on the turtles.

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Thank you so much to my good friend Evil Squirrel  for stepping in for me this week.

Remember my friends – this Dear Bacon issue can’t happen without YOU.  Keep sending your pictures and questions to me at baconthompson@gmail.com

 

Pineapple and Daddy

As some of you know, I have a love/hate relationship with my daddy.  I mean he loves me and I love him but it’s nothing like the love me and mom share.  Can you relate?  We tolerate – yeah that’s a good word – tolerate each other.  He takes care of me during the day and I like to think I take care of him during the day too.

Well, this weekend we were outside playing around.  I was down in the yard of the magical back yard and he was with me with mommy up on the deck.  Just for a moment, deviled ham came out in me.

  I tried to hide him back inside of me… you know sweet bacon.  But, it just wasn’t going to happen.  Sigh – deviled ham came out full force.  I looked at daddy and all I could see was a target.  I know I shouldn’t but it happened.  I stomped my hooves, ran around the magical back yard and at full force slammed into daddy who was kneeling over weeding.  For a big ex football player, he fell hard with a good thump.  Maybe that’s because he wasn’t expecting me… you think?  Then that old meanie deviled ham did something terrible.  He grabbed daddy’s pant legs and started pulling.  I thought for a minute deviled ham was going to pull off daddy’s pants in the backyard.

But then, daddy did the strangest thing.  He said really loud, “Safe word is pineapple – PINEAPPLE”.  He kept repeating pineapple.  Shakes piggy head.  Can you believe that?  Even when deviled ham is trying to play, daddy still thinks of food.  And mom says my mind is a one track way with food.  Snorts.

With daddy screaming pineapple and deviled ham snorting, this got mom’s attention on the deck.  Mom said those words that everyone hates to hear.  The full name – shivers.  She yelled out, “Bacon Porkchop Thompson, you get up here NOW”.  Oh snap.  That’s right – deviled ham snapped right out of my inner body and sweet bacon came out pronto.  I stopped, put my tail between my legs and slowly stomped up the board to the deck.  Man, I was in trouble.  The full name followed by NOW.

I got up on the deck and mom fussed at me.  I mean really fussed.  What was I thinking?  I can’t play rough like that, etc.  I tried to tell her it was deviled ham.  She didn’t have any of it.  She sent me to my bedroom… you know pay the time for the crime.  Shucks… it was all in good fun.

But, I went to my room.  I hope mommy fed daddy some pineapple.  He seemed like he really wanted some.  And don’t worry, dad wasn’t hurt.  He thought it was kind of fun too.  We made apologies later in the day and all is good now.

But you see, that deviled ham is evil.  Do you have a deviled ham?

 

 

Yeah It’s Monday

  What can I say my friends?  Monday has come back around all over again.  How many of you had a hard time getting out of your ever so soft and cuddly bed this morning?  I know “I” did.  Darn this belly for always waking me up.  There I was all cuddled in my bed.  My head on my pillow and my soft Egyptian cotton sheet wrapped around me.  I was dreaming of happy thoughts – playing in the back yard with my rabbit friends – you know just being a piggy.  Then it happened.

My belly started rumbling.  That automatic time clock in my tummy does it every time.  I woke up and as usual, it wasn’t even day time yet.  But, I knew I had a job to fulfill.  It’s the least I can do living at the Hotel Thompson and not paying rent – snorts.

I got out of my warm cozy bed and sauntered out of my bedroom.  I went into mom’s room to her side of the bed.  Her hand was hanging off the bed.  Dude, she must have had a rough night.  I did what any normal pig would do.  I licked her fingers.  I tell you.  I’ve never seen mom jump so high or fast from a sound sleep.  It was kind of neat to me so I snorted.  I do believe that she almost fell out of bed.

Mission accomplished.  I got mom up for the worky place 🙂  Smart oinker, huh?  You would think after almost two years she wouldn’t jump that high but then again I was wrong – double snorts. Happy Monday my friends.

 

 

 

In the Morning, I’m…

 

You finish the sentence for yourself.  What would you say?  In the morning, I’m __________.  Are you cranky?  Are you snuggly?  Are you sleepy or any of the other seven dwarfs? 

I suppose I’m several things. 

First, In the morning, I’m mom’s alarm clock.  I wake up and make little chirpy noises and I snort.  I snort LOUD to wake mom up.  Did you know that she hasn’t had to set an alarm in over a year because of my kind nature in waking her up?  Amazing isn’t it?  A real live alarm clock.  I know you want one too.

Second, In the mornings I’m hungry.  Oh yeah – news flash there huh?  Don’t laugh.  Stop.  I can see you laughing – LOL.  I gotta have my piggy chow and cheerios.  After that, my hunger is gone for at least a little while. 

Then, In the morning, I’m snuggly cuddly.  Momma says so.  I jump on the sofa with mom, curl up next to her legs and she wraps us in our blankie.  We watch the morning news together.  Okay, well I usually fall back to sleep with mom stroking my back but I’m still snuggy.

Fourth of all, before mom goes to the worky place, in the mornings, I’m doing the piggy potty dance.  I’m sure you can relate to the human potty dance.  I run to my potty patch and take care of my business.  Afterwards, mom puts me in bed, kisses me good day and I crash for a couple of hours.

So, you tell me – In the mornings, I’m ____ ?