25 Days of Christmas

 

Bacon’s Tales of Terror

Welcome my friends to my monthly Bacon’s Tales of Terror.  

Today we have a great one for you.  You see this is something that I saw.  Me and mom were going through some neighborhoods in her Smart car.  You know just driving around hoping that the flow of the car would make us sleepy.  What?  Yes we do that.  Mommy needs help sleeping sometimes – snorts.

So there we were on a back street and that’s when I saw this.  I started snorting… of course after I ducked down from being scared.  What the heck was that?  Mom had to make a circle and come back for a second look.  That’s when she saw it.  She would have ducked too but being in the Smart car there wasn’t much room.  So then we had to make a third circle.  You know to get it on camera.

What the heck were these people thinking?  What the heck is that?  A bird bath?  A head?  A head in a bird bath? Who lives at the house – Satan?  The Munster family?  The Adams Family?  Do birds really “drink” from that fountain?  All great questions.  What would YOU do or feel if that was in your neighborhood?  Would you walk by the house during the day?  What about night?  Would you be brave enough to walk to the door on Halloween?

 

Score for the Piggy!

Score for me!  The Easter bun-bun didn’t forget about my love for peeps.  The Easter bun-bun brought me not necessarily a “Peep” product but something similar and look at it – it’s shaped like something I know but I can’t put my snout on it – snorts and rolls with piggy laughter.

It’s a piggy vanilla marshmallow like peep thing.  I was so thrilled to have found it in the bottom of my big bucket.  And trust me my friends.  It was delicious!  Of course, I ate it’s head off first.  What?  Mom was holding his feet – snorts.

And yes – I ate the whole thing.  Daddy couldn’t understand why I was running around the Hotel Thompson afterwards.  Maybe it was all of that sugar sweet daddy of mine.  Snorts – thankfully there wasn’t anyone else here when I devoured my little friend.  Have you ever seen anything so cute?  Squeals!

 

Spring Harvest – Oh Dear Piggy Heavens!

Friends – friends – friends.  I’m shaking my piggy head.  It was quite the weekend here at the Hotel Thompson.  OMPH (oh my piggy heavens)!  My mom – sometimes there is just no help for her.  Really.  I’m not exaggerating.  Really I’m not.  You see she is feeling so much better.  Her cough is almost completely gone as well as the bruises she got in the emergency room from her IV’s a couple of weeks ago.  She has energy and strength.  I’m telling you all of this to set you up for what happened.  Wait for it – you won’t regret it I assure you.

You see mom also signs up for this business that send her different products to try out.  It’s all free of charge.  She tries the products out, writes up some reviews on if she liked/didn’t like it, etc.  Well she got one in the mail a couple of weeks ago for a waxing product.  Now guys and fellow anipals, waxing products are to remove hair.  Spring is coming up and mom says it was time for the Spring Harvest.  You see where I’m going with this now?  Snorts and rolls with piggy laughter.

On Saturday’s mom and dad go out for their hot date – oohhh.  So mom decided that Saturday morning she was going into the bathroom with her product, the instructions and a glass of wine.  Something about doing her legs.  I’m looking down at my legs and I think personally they look wonderful with hair.  Don’t you agree as well?  These humans are weird.  Okay I admit these hairy legs aren’t my mom but hers are not that bad.  Probably about the same.  She says it’s something about being winter and wearing long pants that no one sees.  Shakes head – I don’t understand that.

So we all hung out in the living room watching television.  Then we heard some bumps.  Then we heard some grunts.  Then we heard, “You got to be kidding”.  Then we heard the door open and she called for daddy.  Then daddy went to the bathroom, went to the kitchen and returned with more wine.  Then we heard four lettered cuss words.  Then we heard a loud bang.  You see I’m telling you all of this from OUR point of view.  After a while, mom came out stomping and cussing – bottle of wine in hand (I’m not sure what happened to the glass) and disappeared into her room to do her ‘write-up’ she called it.  I snuck in her bedroom later when her and dad went out and copied this off of her computer.  Oh dear piggy heavens – I’ll take my hairy legs any day!

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Dear XYZ Company,

In a word, NO.  NO I don’t recommend your product.  NO I would never, absolutely never use it again. I can not recommend it.  I will not recommend it. Why do you ask?  Because I know you want details, so here you go.

I’ve been sick lately and I’ll give you that the instructions said to make sure the hair was grown out enough to see.  Check I have that down pact.  People get waxing professionally done all of the time – I’m a big girl.  I can do this!    I took a glass of wine into the bathroom, got as comfortable as humanly possible on the porcelain throne and read further.  It stated to take the stick swish it through the gel in the bottle and to slowly spread in an even pattern small enough where you could then apply the wipe.  Seemed safe enough.

Sip of wine for encouragement.  Stirred the product with the stick.  Then proceeded to spread the product on my leg in a place in the front lower portion.  Something I could ‘try’ out at first.  It spread smoothly – like butter.  I thought so far so good, I’ll go ahead and do a small part on the other leg.  Then I took a ‘wipe’ smoothed in on top of first leg and slowly stroked back and forth until even.  Once done, I did the other leg in the same way.

I felt pretty proud of myself.  I took another sip of the wine.  I then read further in the instructions.  “Hold down one corner and in a quick fashion, pull towards you.”  Uumm… WTF?  Basically your telling me to rip off the bandaid.  This may be a problem.  I didn’t think about the pain level.

I took another sip of the wine and finished the glass.  So there I was stuck on the throne with two evil ‘wipes’ on both legs tossing around the possibilities of what to do.  You know those white wipes really wouldn’t be noticed if I left them there.  I almost look as white as them.  Then I thought about fungus growing up under them with the ‘product’.  I decided to call in for back up.

Once the hub unit brought me the entire bottle of wine, I forwent the glass and just chugged out of the bottle.  It’s now or never I thought.  I picked up the corner of leg A, held down the bottom part of my leg and just ripped.  That’s right I said ripped.  Ripped because that’s what if felt like I was doing – ripping my entire leg’s first layer of epidermis away.  Holy hell!  Are you guys kidding me?  Hobbling on one leg, bouncing around and praying to the Gods above to just come and take me right there.  I took another swig of wine and that’s when I lost my balance falling into the bathtub hitting my head.

I didn’t even care!  Mr. Grim Reaper could come for me now because I was so close to death.  In fact, then again he might not want to mess with me because I’m in so much pain.  I looked down at my other leg.  Oh dear God, what have I done?  I actually cried at the pain which was worse than pulling fingernails off of my hand.

There was only one choice to make.  Rip the other one off, get over the pain, get MORE wine and never, absolutely NEVER EVER use waxing products again.  Do you understand what I’m saying?  If you EVER send me another waxing product, you will know first hand what it’s like because I will do your leg whether you are man or woman.  Capice?

 

This Sounds Like Me – You Think?

 

Bacon’s Tales of Terror

Welcome back my friends to Bacon’s Tales of Terror on this 13th of the month.

Today, I want to talk about superstitions – that’s great for a 13th posting isn’t it?  Snorts.

Did you know that back in the day, breathing ‘in’ was interpreted as breathing in life while sneezing was interpreted as a swift exit of your essence or soul.  If your soul left your body through a sneeze then you would die without your soul.  This was the basis for further superstitions about sneezing throughout the centuries.

Do you tell people that sneeze, “God Bless You?”  This is actually a practice that is practiced all over the world and dates back to February 16, 590 AD.  Pope Gregory the Great decreed that prayers must be said to fight against a deadly plague in Italy at that time.  The plague was associated to be fatal by those who sneezed.  Telling someone, “God Bless You”, after they sneezed would protect people from the effects of the plague.

Saying, “God Bless You” can also be linked to around 1665 during the black plague in Europe.  Violent sneezing with the black plague was the sign of the end of the disease and death was certain to follow.  The pope made it a law so those that sneezed would be blessed due to their soon-to-be death.  It was also during this time that cover one’s mouth with their hand or cloth was put into place in order to stop the spread of further diseases.

In 17th century England if someone sneezed, people around them would remove their hats, curtsy or bow and wish them, “God Bless You”.  In the 1800’s in England, this poem came out:

Sneeze on Monday – sneeze for danger.  

Sneeze on Tuesday – kiss a stranger.  

Sneeze on Wednesday – sneeze for a letter.  

Sneeze on Thursday – something better.  

Sneeze on Friday – sneeze for woe.  

Sneeze on Saturday – a journey to go.  

Sneeze on Sunday – your safety seek – for Satan will have you for the rest of the week!

There is good luck also associated with sneezing:  if you sneeze between noon and midnight; if the family cat sneezes; if two people sneeze at the same time; if you sneeze twice in a row; or if you turn your head right when you sneezed.

But there’s also bad luck associated with sneezing:  if you sneeze in the morning while getting dressed; if you turn your head left while sneezing; if you sneeze three times in a row and someone is talking bad about you while sneezing four times is the sign of a cold.

 

Contributions to the Psychic Library on this information on sneezing superstitious.

 

Name That Product/Company and/or Jingle – Answers

Edition 4

”NAME THAT

PRODUCT/COMPANY and/or JINGLE!”

This time, we went a little harder

Here are the answers from yesterday’s posting. How many did you get right?

1. Taste the rainbows. Skittles
2. Get your own box. Cheez It
3. The most trusted name in news. CNN
4. Look ma – no cavities! Crest
5. We love to fly and it shows. Delta
6. Yellow – the new brown. DHL
7. We bring good things to life. General Electric
8. Betcha can’t eat just one. Lays
9. Taste so good cats ask for it by name. Meow Mix
10. The nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever so you can rest medicine. Nyquil

Thanks to all that participated. I hope everyone had a great time! XOXO – Bacon

 

Name That Product/Company and/or Jingle

Edition 4

”NAME THAT

PRODUCT/COMPANY and/or JINGLE!” 

   This time, we are going a little harder

Let’s see how many you can get right.  Remember – don’t cheat.

 

1. Taste the rainbows.
2. Get your own box.
3. The most trusted name in news.
4. Look ma – no cavities!
5. We love to fly and it shows.
6. Yellow – the new brown.
7. We bring good things to life.
8. Betcha can’t eat just one.
9. Taste so good cats ask for it by name.
10. The nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever so you can rest medicine. 

Remember – have fun with it!  Answers will be posted tomorrow – XOXO Bacon