Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – I’ve made a grave mistake.  There was a hole in the back of this contraption.  I crawled in and when I did, it shut closed.  Now I’m stuck… I feel like a squirrel on display for the world to see.  The birds are pointing and laughing at me.  What am I to do?  Help?  Signed Mannequin Squirrel

Dear Mannequin Squirrel – WOW!  What can I say?  You do look awesome with your mannequin display.  I can say perhaps you should enjoy what you can… maybe take a seat and a quick bite of that delightful feed.  By the time you get done with your dinner, maybe the owner of the house will see you in your tight spot and help you out.  If not, can you jump and push the top off for a quick escape?  And don’t worry about the birds pointing and laughing.  Might you remind them that you have plenty of food to eat while you wait unlike them – snorts.

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Dear Bacon – We like to put the warning out there for the humans.  If you cross the metal gates leading into our kingdom, be warned.  You will experience a death like no other from the ankles down.  We may be small and short but we have sharp teeth like a shark.  Just sayin’.  Does your little brother do the same?  Signed Harley and Davidson

Dear Harley and Davidson – Awesome idea my friends.  Truth is in the advertising.  If peeps are dumb enough to cross that warning, their ankles deserve what they get.  And yes.  Houdini has the sharpest teeth that I’ve ever felt.  That’s right – I said felt.  I feel them when he tries to hang off of my piggy tail and swing back and forth like I’m an amusement park.  The little guy has no respect for this pig – he thinks I’m his personal jungle gym.

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Dear Bacon –  Honestly.  I was asleep the entire time that the master was away.  Really I was.  When I woke up, the front room cushions exploded.  I didn’t hear a thing!  Exploded I tell you.  Of course, I’m getting the blame.  But really it wasn’t me.  Signed Lab Shredder

Dear Lab Shredder – Darn those dust bunnies for striking again!  I believe you my friend.  I really do.  Dust bunnies sound cute and look kind of cute but all alone they can be little vultures that wreak havoc all over the house blaming us anipals.  Shakes and shivers from fear.  They can’t be trusted at all.  No way!  I say you need to hunt them down one by one and take care of them.  As far as you getting the blame for this.  If it wasn’t on video and there is nothing concrete showing you did it, I say they have to let you walk my friend.  No evidence means NOT GUILTY.  Lowers my hammer in my court room and says dismissed.

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 Dear Bacon – It’s really not what it looks like.  Me and my friend were playing leap frog.  We see frogs do it all of the time and we thought we would try it.  We turned on the camera and started.  We posted this on Instagram and everyone went crazy saying that we were multi-flying.  No honestly we weren’t.  We were just playing a game.  What do you think?  Signed Doris and Rock

Dear Doris and Rock – Snorts with piggy laughter.  Whatever you kids are calling it this day, sure.  Just be safe my friends.

 

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – I’ve made a grave mistake.  There was a hole in the back of this contraption.  I crawled in and when I did, it shut closed.  Now I’m stuck… I feel like a squirrel on display for the world to see.  The birds are pointing and laughing at me.  What am I to do?  Help?  Signed Mannequin Squirrel

Dear Mannequin Squirrel – WOW!  What can I say?  You do look awesome with your mannequin display.  I can say perhaps you should enjoy what you can… maybe take a seat and a quick bite of that delightful feed.  By the time you get done with your dinner, maybe the owner of the house will see you in your tight spot and help you out.  If not, can you jump and push the top off for a quick escape?  And don’t worry about the birds pointing and laughing.  Might you remind them that you have plenty of food to eat while you wait unlike them – snorts.

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Dear Bacon – We like to put the warning out there for the humans.  If you cross the metal gates leading into our kingdom, be warned.  You will experience a death like no other from the ankles down.  We may be small and short but we have sharp teeth like a shark.  Just sayin’.  Does your little brother do the same?  Signed Harley and Davidson

Dear Harley and Davidson – Awesome idea my friends.  Truth is in the advertising.  If peeps are dumb enough to cross that warning, their ankles deserve what they get.  And yes.  Houdini has the sharpest teeth that I’ve ever felt.  That’s right – I said felt.  I feel them when he tries to hang off of my piggy tail and swing back and forth like I’m an amusement park.  The little guy has no respect for this pig – he thinks I’m his personal jungle gym.

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Dear Bacon –  Honestly.  I was asleep the entire time that the master was away.  Really I was.  When I woke up, the front room cushions exploded.  I didn’t hear a thing!  Exploded I tell you.  Of course, I’m getting the blame.  But really it wasn’t me.  Signed Lab Shredder

Dear Lab Shredder – Darn those dust bunnies for striking again!  I believe you my friend.  I really do.  Dust bunnies sound cute and look kind of cute but all alone they can be little vultures that wreak havoc all over the house blaming us anipals.  Shakes and shivers from fear.  They can’t be trusted at all.  No way!  I say you need to hunt them down one by one and take care of them.  As far as you getting the blame for this.  If it wasn’t on video and there is nothing concrete showing you did it, I say they have to let you walk my friend.  No evidence means NOT GUILTY.  Lowers my hammer in my court room and says dismissed.

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 Dear Bacon – It’s really not what it looks like.  Me and my friend were playing leap frog.  We see frogs do it all of the time and we thought we would try it.  We turned on the camera and started.  We posted this on Instagram and everyone went crazy saying that we were multi-flying.  No honestly we weren’t.  We were just playing a game.  What do you think?  Signed Doris and Rock

Dear Doris and Rock – Snorts with piggy laughter.  Whatever you kids are calling it this day, sure.  Just be safe my friends.

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REMEMBER friends.  Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU.  Please continue to send me your pictures and questions via email.

 

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon, Just sitting here minding my own business enjoying a cool one after a long day of chasing the mailman and purr things from my kingdom of a yard.  Then the human comes home and has to snap this picture.  What?  Haven’t you ever seen a pooch relax before?  Signed Coors Doggy

Dear Coors Doggy,  I don’t get it either my friend.  Just a pooch, dressed up drinking a beer.  What could your human be thinking with taking a picture?  Doesn’t he do the same thing?  In fact when he does, why don’t you take *his* picture and let him see what it feels like to be disturbed from your happy place..

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 Dear Bacon,  The humans don’t believe me Bacon.  There I was in the kitchen with this rotisserie chicken in the package.  Dog’s honor, the chicken exploded out of the package.  Yeah, that’s it.  It exploded out of the package and ran away.  Why do the humans think we did this?  Signed Two Innocents Until Proven Guilty

 Dear Two Innocents Until Proven Guilty,  WOW!  I think you need to call your local police department on this one…. maybe Ripley’s Believe it or Not.  I can see the headlines now – “Rotisserie Chicken Jumps out of Packaging and Flees”.  Uh-oh.  Wait a minute.  You better rethink that.  What if that gets out that you two strong, husky protect dogs let an innocent little chicken flee from the safety confines of your home.  This won’t end well.  Perhaps you better come up with a better story.  How good was that chicken?

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Dear Bacon, Ssshhsss – I’m trying to blendsss in here in the hood.  I don’t thinksss anyone seessss me yet.  I just hope the neighborsss don’t try to hand up any signsss here.  I could be busted if they do.  Signed Hide and Seeksss Champ

Dear Hide and Seeksss Champ,  Gulps.  I may never look at a phone poll the same way ever again my friend.  You blend so well.  Your colors – wow!  I’m amazed at your climbing skills of going up and not falling off.

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Dear Bacon,  One word buddy – OUCH!  Snoopy made this look so easy.  Trust me my friend.  It is not.  I may never be able to bark like a big dog ever again.  Do not try this at home.  Signed Help Me

Dear Help Me, WOW!  Watch out Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme.  I think you have some skills there my friend.  Probably more now that you’ll never be able to reproduce again – snorts.

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Dear Bacon,   First we put flour on the board and then crack some eggs.  What?  You don’t do the cooking at the Hotel Thompson?  Oh buddy – you so have to learn in case the humans go on vacation again.  These days, I take care of myself.  When the humans leave, I hit the fridge and freezer for some culinary delights.  If you want to learn to cook, I’m your dog!  Signed Chef Poo Chie Lagasse

Dear Chef Poo Chie Lagasse, Sign me up for some lessons my friend.  I think all anipals should learn how to cook.  I’m good… as long as there is no pork on the menu 🙂

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REMEMBER friends Dear Bacon can’t happen without your letters and pictures.  Please continue to send them to me for our Dear Bacon issues.  Snorts and thanks!