Dear Bacon – Listen the water is fine my four legged pot bellied piggy. Why don’t you come for a swim with me. I’ll even teach you how to swim under the water. I’m sure you will catch on fast. What do you think? Signed Mr. Friendly
Dear Mr. Friendly – Not that I don’t appreciate your well… friendness but I think I’ll pass. For some reason, I think it’s better for this little oinker to stay on dry land, far away from the water and far, far away from your swimming lessons. Call it a premonition if you will. But, carry on my friend and thank you… really.
Dear Bacon – I see you – purr snicker. I have my eyes on your activities good or bad. I’m reporting back to that Evil Elf of yours Don Juan. You just wait. You’re going to get it when he comes out in November. Signed The Watcher
Dear The Watcher – Really?! It’s not bad enough that I have rogue elf that watches my every move, you’re going to as well? Rolls piggy eyes and walks away. This is so not fair in this oinker’s life. Can’t we all just get along? Snorts
Dear Bacon – The nerve of our family vet. Can you believe that (A) they had the nerve to come near my captains quarters with that proby thing and (B) they told my humans that *I* needed to go on a DIET?! What in the world was he thinking? Don’t my humans pay for his sound advice? What kind of crap advice is this? I think the look on my face tells you everything I think. Signed Tiny
Dear Tiny – Oh dear. That proby thing is awful. It must be a torture device from centuries long ago. Yep, that’s what I think. And that look on your face. Oh my. You are certainly not happy. And well… looks down at my pot belly. I am one NOT to give any advice to you on that four lettered dirty word – D.I.E.T. Shakes head – nope. Not the one to do that at all my friend.
Dear Bacon – I double kitty dare you to try this maneuver. Heck, I triple meow dare you. I dare you to put your back legs up over your head. In fact if you can do this position, I will personally come over every day and give you a piggy massage – heck I’ll even clean up your room for you. Signed Fear Factor Feline
Dear Fear Factor Feline – Really?! That’s okay my furry friend. That’s what I have my mommy for – massages and cleaning – snorts. Let’s hope that cannon of yours doesn’t go off while you are bent legs over head.
Dear Bacon – I hate it when I get into trouble here at my casa. Can you believe that my humans make me face the couch and sit here in time out? It’s so humiliating. Signed Unhappy Pooch
Dear Unhappy Pooch – WOW my friend. That is some look you have there facing your tomb of doom. It’s just not right. And to put you in this time out right in the middle of the living room where you can hear and see all of the fun activities going on around you. Shakes piggy head and clicks tongue. Nope, just not right. I’m sorry pal. Maybe when you come out of serving your time, you just ignore those humans. Show them who is getting timeout there. Don’t give them any affection. None whatsoever… can you last like what five seconds? Hang in there my bud!
Dear Bacon – Who says that the natural order of things in nature have to be that we don’t get along? My name is Gull and this is my close pal Gator.
We’re like two peas in a pod. We often play in the water like this. Gator protects me from other things in the water and we have fun. Can you believe that it actually blows peoples minds when they see us like this? Signed Born to be Different
Dear Born to be Different – Hey my friends. I think that is absolutely wonderful to have that kind of friendship.
I’m sure the other animals in the water look at you like a two piece snack from KFC but as long Gator is there to protect you – awesomesauce!
Dear Bacon – The humans. They will pay for this get up. I feel totally ridiculous. The nerve to dress me up as some kind of twisted frog. I think the look on my face tells you everything you need to know. Do you have any ideas on how I can get the humans back? Signed Feeling Froggy
Dear Feeling Froggy – WOW! Now that is some sort of predicament my friend. I feel you 100%. Your humans really did have some nerve in dressing you like a Kermit want to be. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry with you on that get up. As far as pay back – evil piggy snorts.
The humans they do have to sleep at some point. I’m sure you can think of so many different ways to bring down the wrath of Froggy upon them. Just act innocent in whatever you decide.
P.S. Can I borrow that outfit for Halloween? Maybe I can snatch Miss Piggy with it.
Dear Bacon – Talk about animal labor laws. I often read about your life at the Hotel Thompson and how they make you ‘work for your food’ in a way. Never complain again my friend. My humans put me to work out in nature in concrete. It’s a hard and tedious job… especially in this get up. Help me please. Signed Mason
Dear Mason – Oh snap. Your humans weren’t playing any games were they my friend? Bless your little heart. Not only did they dress you but you have to wear those indestructible construction boots. Shakes piggy head. I’m so sorry pal. I will *never* again complain about having to bring my dirty stuff to the laundry room. Ever.
P.S. Dad needs some help expanding the driveway. When you get done with that project, can you help a human out?
Dear Bacon – What? Haven’t you ever seen a hamster with his lady working the pole? Blondie is one of the best pole dancers out there. I suggest this kind of get up for your bedroom pig. You might get some girlfriends then. HA! Signed Boris
Dear Boris – OMP (oh my pig!) My eyes! What has been seen can not be unseen. We really don’t need to see this my friend. Although daddy was interested in that pole action, me and mom are not – snorts. Ya’ll carry on in the privacy of your bedroom. And don’t worry about me and girlfriends. I have one 🙂
Hello my friends – greetings from me on my couch here at the Hotel Thompson. I’m happy to report that my lessons on toy destruction from my brother Easy across the pond is coming right along. I did destroy my hippo this week – of course mom buried him afterwards. What can I say? He ain’t that scary when he loses his stuffing – barks!
And this week my new challenge is Gator. Gator came from Easy and let me tell you. Right now he is being a worthy opponent. He is not telling any tales and just like his ancestors – he has a tough skin. But we shall see how long that lasts with me.
Happy weekend my friends and I leave you of course with Jokes from Daddy.
Dear Bacon, Do you recognize this look my friend? You know the doorbell rings but you are running around in your birthday suit. You answer it from the corner wondering, “Who would come over without calling first” kind of look in your face. You are secretly wishing it’s a girls scout selling cookies but oh no – it’s only someone selling something. You give them this eat crap and die look before shutting the door. No offense solicitors but unless you have thin mints, go to the neighbors house. Signed Don’t Bother
Dear Don’t Bother, YES I recognize that look. Once all of the humans have settled into the Hotel Thompson, it’s a no bother zone unless you phone first – especially after dark. Shivers – I’ve seen too many shows on the Investigative Discovery channel. No way am I opening the door. And you are right… unless they have thin mints. They could be someone from a horror show but if they are selling thin mints, I’m grabbing the boxes
Dear Bacon, You know sometimes I really hate my siblings. They tell me that I chase butterflies too often grinning like the Cheshire cat and singing Disney songs. What’s it to them? Who’s a happy gator – this guy! Can’t we all just be happy and get along? Signed Chomp
Dear Chomp, I’m with you my bud. I’m singing Hakuna Matata right now in my head. It’s such a happy song all about no worries for the rest of your lives. If you don’t know it, I highly recommend you looking it up and playing it. It’s great and perky – just a song for chasing butterflies. Be yourself and don’t let your siblings bully you into something you’re not!
Dear Bacon, I’ve called this meeting here today to talk to you about your little brother Houdini. You know us dogs have skills. We can be your allies or we can be your enemies. You don’t want us to be your enemies. I’m just saying. This face may look all cute and everything but my inner dog is 500 pounds just like Houdini’s. You might want to rethink your relationship with the little guy. We can come in handy for a lot of things. Signed Fluffy
Dear Fluffy, Oh my friend, there is no doubt about the skills of you pooches. Houdini is my little buddy. Sometimes I even let him sleep with me in my bed at night. He’s a great guy and helps me out with the purr things here all of the time. Especially that Hemi who uses my butt like a slapping post. No worries – I know ya’ll rule!
Dear Bacon, Score for the little dog! I’ve been watching the humans and where they get my food. Oh barks! One day when they weren’t looking, I was able to get into the bag of heaven and SCORE! Oh dude – I was in puppy heaven for a while until the master caught me. But by that time, I had eaten half of the bag. I was so fat I couldn’t walk. I was rolling around with a silly happy grin on my face. You ever done this before? Signed Rolly Polly
Dear Rolly Polly, Snorts! I ❤ this my friend. I’ve never gotten into the bag before. But once when I was Nana’s, I ate so much that I couldn’t even squeak I was so pudgy. I was uncomfortable for a while but like you – it was so worth it!
Dear Bacon, I hate it when the humans make me dress up. We had to go to a wedding this past weekend and they insisted on me wearing a tux. Really? I’m a dog. Rolls doggy eyes. Tell me they don’t make you dress in this ridiculous outfit. Signed Mister Doggy in the Wedding
Dear Mister Doggy in the Wedding – I have to admit pal that you make that tux look good. Really you do. Sometimes we have to do things that we really don’t want to do but need to do. That was probably one of those situations. I don’t particular have to dress up… yet. But can you believe Houdini here has a tux. 🙂 It happens to the best of us. Wear it with pride!
Remember my friends – we can’t have Dear Bacon without your letters and pictures. Please keep sending them to me – snorts and thanks!
This week we have a great special edition of Dear Bacon. This week my friend Chloe is stepping in to help me out. Be sure to check out Chloe’s blog and tell her what a wonderful job she did this week. I’m telling you – that cow has skills! Snorts
HELP! The human thinks it is funny to dress me in between two buns. I feel the need to eat my way out. Can you help a chick out? What can I do? Signed NOT a Chicken Sandwich
Dear NOT a Chicken Sandwich, I promise I am not trying to lecture you, but have you ever heard something about the color of grass, depending on which side of the fence you are on (I hope that’s not just a cow phrase)? This might be one of those cases…I don’t think they are looking at this as clothing; merely a blanket…cuz you are cold without all your official feathers. So nestle in, little chickie, and enjoy the love.
The master of the house doesn’t believe me but I got it on film finally! This is how my brother treats me when no one is looking. He’s such a bully. Can you help me out? Signed Tongue Twister.
Dear Tongue Twister, Eeek! I can tell by the look on your face that your brother’s actions really hurt you. Three words, Twister. Ghost Pepper Powder (ghostpepper.com). Because I can tell you are sensitive, retreat to backyard after you pop some on that outstretched tongue; you don’t want to witness his pain learning curve. I did this once to my sister and we had no further problems. Best thing? She couldn’t tell on me without hanging herself in the process. #ThePerfectCrime
Did someone say pool time? I’m ready. Went to the pool and the other animals here at Old McDonalds farm said I couldn’t get in. Stomps hooves – why can’t I? Signed Horse Dive
Dear Horse Dive, You certainly look geared up with all the proper safety equipment! I am flummoxed as to why you wouldn’t be allowed in? It must be one of two reasons. 1) The rules of physics aren’t conducive–the size of the pool must exceed the size of your rear or 2) You have behaved like a donkey. Donkeys are never ever ever allowed in pools, even if the physics work out. Cows, however, always get in. ;oP
I think I’ve been had by the stupid dog again. The dog told me there was something good on top of the stove in the pot. I checked. There was nothing. Do you think the dog set me up? Signed Boiling Cat
Dear Boiling Cat, Uuuum. I don’t even know where to start. You are oh-so-cute, but you have GOT to stop trusting that dog. I would dare say, do the opposite of what he says as a general rule. Also? If he tells you he has Ocean-front property in Arizona, PLEASE tell him you’ve heard that song, already. Please. In fact, if he ever wants you to fork over your allowance or savings, let me know BEFORE your money leaves your precious paw! One last thing, you adorable cuss, you? Move, quick! That nasty smell is called burning hair and it’s YOURS!
There I was floating on the water minding my own business when this bird thought he was going to pick on me. What he didn’t know was that my mom was underneath me. Ha. That’ll teach him. Have you ever had these problems when you were small? Signed Tiny but Dangerous
Dear Tiny but Dangerous, Woah! That is one clever trick. I ALMOST feel bad for the bird. Almost. I look at you and wonder exactly at what point you turn from a cutsie little thing to that monster you are riding on? When I was small, my mom did not let me ride on her back (I was not nearly as cute as you!). She did, however, teach me not to eat the rocks, which is probably just as valuable for a cow.