Dear Bacon

 

Dear Bacon – I’ve been hiding most of the day from my brother.  I ate his breakfast.  There I admit it.  I ate his breakfast.  So what.  He snoozed and he lost.  Now though, I feel like he’s been stalking me all day.  Every time I turn around, I can feel him watching me.  He’s watching me right now isn’t he?  Signed Big Trouble

Dear Big Trouble – Oh my friend.  There are just certain things in life that we don’t do.  Eating your brother’s food is one of them.  There will be something to pay for this.  You might as well just push your bowl of kibbles his way tonight to make up for it.  Trust me, with the evil look he is giving you, it might be the right move.

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 Dear Bacon – There’s a standing rule in this house whether your are anipal or human, when one is sleeping you do not wake them.  I have to go wizzle.  I’ve had this strange feeling for a LONG time.  But, as you can see kitty is sleeping on me.  If I move, she will wake.  If I wake her, she will be in a bad mood.  So I wait with this pained look on my face.  Signed Helpless.

Dear Signed Helpless – I know the feeling my friend.  Well personally I don’t know the feeling but my mom knows the feeling.  She has been in your position numerous times with one of us in her arms.  Just keep your head up and those legs tight.

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Dear Bacon – Who says that humans can be the only ones with teddy bears.  Here is mine.  He’s my buddy.  We go every where together.  We are playing patty cakes here in the picture.  He’s slow in catching the patterns but he will learn.  Signed Bear Times Two

Dear Bear Times Two – Hey my friend.  Nobody can say anything bad about this.  It’s totally cute!  You always have a friend with you.  Keep teaching him the patty cake song – he might just catch on soon.  Did you see the movie Ted?  It could happen!

.

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Dear Bacon – What?  It was Curious George and I am Curious too.  I want to know what made George so Curious.  He was totally full of fluff – I knew it.  Nothing between those ears but white fluff.  Guess he won’t be curious much longer huh?  Signed Curious Too

Dear Curious Too – Now the world knows.  White fluff is what put Curious George together.  Hilarious.  Looks like he might need some reconstruction surgery there.  Does your house have a BooBoo Facility like here at the Hotel Thompson?  If so, get him in surgery STAT.

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  Dear Bacon – Am I the only dog that has a snake for a sister? I mean, I know we both have the same body type but this doesn’t seem natural to me.  I don’t think we look alike at all.  I’m so confused and a little scared.  Signed Confused Dog Brother to a Snake

Dear Confused Dog Brother to a Snake – WOW!  First off, we need to talk about you my friend.  Wipe that scared look right off of your face.  Dude up right now.  You are a MAN doggy.  Ssnnaakkee – is a girl.  You need to set up your area – start marking your territory.  Don’t let her know that you are scared of her… because personally I would be too but we are men anipals.  Show no fear.  Then work your sister to your advantage.  Treat her as such.  Most men take care of their sisters.  And in turn, they take care of YOU.  Who in the neighborhood is going to mess with YOU now?  If they do, bring your sister along.  I can assure you, you will be king of your hood.  Now, off you go to make nice with your ssiisstteerr.  Let me know how things work out for you okay.

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REMEMBER my friends – these weekly Dear Bacon issues can’t happen without YOU.  Please email me your letters and pictures – thanks!  ❤

 

HA – Never Fear Friends

Photo Credit: Chattanooga Times Free Press

 

HA – Never Fear Friends

Photo Credit: Chattanooga Times Free Press

 

Fear of Heat

Let’s talk about something that is really scary – the fear of heat.  Do you think you can withstand this fear?  Let’s see when i tell you what I’ve found.

First up – the Jalapeño.   I’m sure you have heard of this lovely creature.  On the heat scale, it’s three out of four peppers being hot.  It’s origin is Mexico and these days they are grown everywhere.  You can find them in cheese dips, wrapped with bacon and stuffed with cream cheese, in salsa, in chili – it’s unlimited.  Most peeps can withstand the heat on this one… most.

Then we move up to the fierce red Habanero.  The Habanero is a variety of chili pepper.  On the heat scale, it’s five out of five peppers being exceptionally hot.  A ripe Habanero is bright red where a unripened Habanero is green.  So you see, they color as they mature into their full potential.  They can also come in different colors – look for the beautiful orange.  The Habanero comes from the Amazonas region and from there spread throughout Mexico.

Whereas you might enter a contest to be dared to eat a Jalapeño and survive the contest, you might want to think twice about a contest eating a Habanero.  Mom has said once that she believes the Habanero was made by the devil himself because he thought all other peppers were ‘tame’.

I’m sure you have heard about these two famous peppers.  But let’s go deeper my friends.  Are you ready for the fear?  How about wrapping your lips around a Ghost Pepper?  Maybe your lips shouldn’t touch this pepper.  The Ghost Pepper originates in India.  On the heat scale, the Ghost Pepper is also five peppers out of five peppers being exceptionally hot.  In 2007, the Guinness World Records certified that the Ghost Pepper was the world’s hottest chili pepper – 400 times hotter than Tabasco sauce.  Can you wrap your lips around that?

And you probably thought I could stop right there with the fear of heat in peppers.   But I can’t.  I found one more for you to fear.  Are you shaking yet?  Let me introduce you to the hottest pepper these days – The Carolina Reaper Pepper.  Okay it’s called the Reaper – does that not tell you anything? You are certain for death eating this bad boy – fear it!  The Reaper is officially  the world’s hottest pepper by the Guinness World Records.  It is a cross between a Pakastani Naga pepper and a Red Habanero.  Can you just feel the heat over your lips, down your throat to the deep pits of your stomach?

Is today’s post scary enough for you my friends or do I need to start making some brownies for you… of course with these peppers?  Happy eats my friends.

 

New Show I Watched

Sometimes I watch the strangest shows on television.  Maybe I should rephrase that.  Sometimes Hollywood puts out the strangest shows on television that of course this oinker can’t pass up and has to watch.  Take for instance, a couple of weeks ago on A&E a new show came out called Fear: Buried Alive.  Now, it intrigued me and mom. We thought you know we gotta check this out and see what it is all about.  Now, I’m kind of like on one hoof WOW ya’ll did what and on the other hoof like that was time I can’t get back in my life.  Why do you say?  Let me break it down for you like only this oinker can – snorts.

There are three subjects that volunteered for this experiment.  Now here’s something I forgot to mention – this is live television.  Not only will they be buried alive in a coffin six feet under ground, they will be wired so that doctors on scene can watch their vitals and there are cameras as well as sound in the coffins.  There are two guys and one girl.

The entire reasoning behind being buried alive is to conquer fears.  Mom said she could somewhat maybe do the buried alive part.  I mean, there are so many people watching you that they aren’t going to let anything happen.  But that’s where they start throwing in twists.  One twist is that as you are laying in your coffin, you are strapped in and then they push a button and your restraints are tighter.  Another time, they play on your biggest fear.  In one box with a guy, they let in a snake.  Another box with the girl, they let in large rats.  Another box with a guy, they let in thousands of huge roaches.  All of this while you are six feet under the ground in a box.  Can you handle that now?

During this time, the audio is turned off and on between the boxes so they can’t talk to each other while they adapt to their biggest fears.  Now here you are in a box, hot, dark, you have something in the box with you, you are tied down and now you don’t have any communication with anyone – you are cut off from the world.  You are thinking to yourself, “What have I gotten myself into?”

The guy with the snake – did I tell you his history?  When he was little, he fell in a hole with a momma
snake and her babies.  The momma snake bit him on the arm.  And there he is with a snake in his coffin with him.  He tapped out during a commercial towards the end.  He couldn’t take it when the snake started slithering up from his feet towards his head.

Then the coffin with the girl, dirt starts falling in from the top of her coffin and she thinks it’s caving in.  The remaining guy, his alarm starts going off and he thinks he’s running out of oxygen.  Of course, mom and me called this – it was all in the plans to make them “think” they had immediate death upon them.  A little over an hour they stayed in their boxes under ground.

How long would you stay?

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – I’ve made a grave mistake.  There was a hole in the back of this contraption.  I crawled in and when I did, it shut closed.  Now I’m stuck… I feel like a squirrel on display for the world to see.  The birds are pointing and laughing at me.  What am I to do?  Help?  Signed Mannequin Squirrel

Dear Mannequin Squirrel – WOW!  What can I say?  You do look awesome with your mannequin display.  I can say perhaps you should enjoy what you can… maybe take a seat and a quick bite of that delightful feed.  By the time you get done with your dinner, maybe the owner of the house will see you in your tight spot and help you out.  If not, can you jump and push the top off for a quick escape?  And don’t worry about the birds pointing and laughing.  Might you remind them that you have plenty of food to eat while you wait unlike them – snorts.

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Dear Bacon – We like to put the warning out there for the humans.  If you cross the metal gates leading into our kingdom, be warned.  You will experience a death like no other from the ankles down.  We may be small and short but we have sharp teeth like a shark.  Just sayin’.  Does your little brother do the same?  Signed Harley and Davidson

Dear Harley and Davidson – Awesome idea my friends.  Truth is in the advertising.  If peeps are dumb enough to cross that warning, their ankles deserve what they get.  And yes.  Houdini has the sharpest teeth that I’ve ever felt.  That’s right – I said felt.  I feel them when he tries to hang off of my piggy tail and swing back and forth like I’m an amusement park.  The little guy has no respect for this pig – he thinks I’m his personal jungle gym.

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Dear Bacon –  Honestly.  I was asleep the entire time that the master was away.  Really I was.  When I woke up, the front room cushions exploded.  I didn’t hear a thing!  Exploded I tell you.  Of course, I’m getting the blame.  But really it wasn’t me.  Signed Lab Shredder

Dear Lab Shredder – Darn those dust bunnies for striking again!  I believe you my friend.  I really do.  Dust bunnies sound cute and look kind of cute but all alone they can be little vultures that wreak havoc all over the house blaming us anipals.  Shakes and shivers from fear.  They can’t be trusted at all.  No way!  I say you need to hunt them down one by one and take care of them.  As far as you getting the blame for this.  If it wasn’t on video and there is nothing concrete showing you did it, I say they have to let you walk my friend.  No evidence means NOT GUILTY.  Lowers my hammer in my court room and says dismissed.

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 Dear Bacon – It’s really not what it looks like.  Me and my friend were playing leap frog.  We see frogs do it all of the time and we thought we would try it.  We turned on the camera and started.  We posted this on Instagram and everyone went crazy saying that we were multi-flying.  No honestly we weren’t.  We were just playing a game.  What do you think?  Signed Doris and Rock

Dear Doris and Rock – Snorts with piggy laughter.  Whatever you kids are calling it this day, sure.  Just be safe my friends.

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Never Fear

Photo Credit: Chattanooga Times Free Press

 

 

No to Nature

It’s no secret – I don’t do nature.  It’s as simple as that.  There are things out there on the other side of the door that I don’t want touching me.  I’m a spoiled pig in that aspect.  I can admit that.  I’ve never been except in crossing from the mini pig mobile to the house when going on a field trip.  I’ve never spent the night ‘outside’.  I don’t even like the way the grass feels on my hooves. 

Do you understand – I don’t do nature.  I’m house trained – why do I really need to go out ‘there’?  And let alone, the luxuries of my bedroom are not in nature – you know like my bed, my television and the magical food box in the kitchen.

 And just to make another point about nature.  Did you know that there are slithery things out there?  I know – I was shocked too!  I thought my back yard held things like the pollen bunny, mysterious unicorns and beautiful butterflies.  I learned this weekend that there is creepy crawly things in that back yard that are not so nice.

We have a wonderful neighbor – he acts like Mr. Rogers 🙂 – who cuts our yard for us.  He is so sweet and nice to do this and we really, REALLY appreciate that.  He let us know that he found a….a…. are you ready for this… a SNAKE in the back yard.  Oh gracious shivers to mergatroid piggy faint.  What happened to the butterflies and unicorns in the back yard?  I’m not sure which one of us hit the floor first – me or mom.  She just doesn’t do snakes.  In fact, I heard her tell Big Daddy next door that unless it has four legs and fur, it doesn’t need to be in the back yard.  I kind of feel the same way.

See, if I was out in nature in the back yard, I would have come snout to wiggly tongue to that thing.  OOOHHH yucky.  Just another thing to add to my list of why I don’t go outside in nature. 

XOXO – still quivering with fear Bacon