Friends I Need Your Help

This is me over the weekend.  Yep believe it or not I’m digging the backyard at times.  There’s all kinds of adventures to be held out there.  I look at this picture and it screams to me that I’m too skinny.  Really!  Look at those ribs.  I think I need to ‘fatten’ up a bit.  Dad agrees but I think for an entirely different reason if you know what I mean – shivers to mergatroid.

Mom says I’m just fine and that she has to watch my weight because a heavy piggy is a sick piggy.  I hear her.  I really do.  But when she starts talking diet stuff all I hear is blah, blah, blah.  I mean, what’s a couple of more bananas and another cut of animal crackers a day.  Piggy starving here…. snorts with piggy laughter.

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – I’m a Himalayan Marmot.  I like to hang out at high elevations.  It helps me to destress and meditate.  I find a happy spot on some rocks, look over my kingdom and focus on being a better marmot.  What makes you feel good little man?  Signed Deep Thoughts

Dear Deep Thoughts – You already have me in deep thoughts with that picture my friend.  I myself don’t like the higher elevations or looking over anything with that height.  I think I would panic.  I do however try to meditate in my room after my dinner.  I focus on happy things over my kingdom at the Hotel Thompson.

---

Dear Bacon – There is nothing like laying around after a good meal.  I like to put on my little sweater to keep me warm.  Do you wear clothes?  Signed Petite Sweets

Dear Petite Sweets – That is a real look there my friend.  You do look like your ‘full’.  And, I do like the sweater.  I’m not much of a sweater person myself.  I do wear t-shirts though.  Mom has a couple of pictures.  I’ll have to find them and post them later.

---

Dear Bacon – You know that happy feeling you get when the human loves on you, you’re tired from playing and things are right in life?  I have here.  Can you tell?  Signed Happy Pooch

Dear Happy Pooch – I would have never guessed you were happy in that picture my friend – snort.  I think it’s the grin that gives it away.  It looks like you ate the mailman or something and got away with it.  Stay happy my fellow four legged friend.

---

Dear Bacon – Be honest with me my friend.  Are my ears big?  I kind of have a complex with them.  They worry me.  The humans don’t say anything but they look at me with that pitiful look in their eyes like something is wrong.  What do you think, be honest.  Signed Tiny

Dear Tiny – I’m a firm believer in loving what God gave you.  God gave me a pot belly.  It’s there.  I can’t help it.  The only thing I can do is love what I got.  When you are happy with yourself – you will be happy pooch.  It shouldn’t matter what others think.  Make the best of what God gave you and go with it.  I know I am!  Hogs and kisses my little buddy.

 

 

Health Warning!!

Do NOT wash your hair in the shower!  I found this warning on line for mom and it explains everything my friends.  It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is totally useful!

Mom is always shampooing her hair in the shower and now this explains what has happened to her.  When she washes her hair, the shampoo runs down her entire body and printed very clearly on the bottle it says:

FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME

No wonder she has gained weight!  From now on, she is going to use Dawn Dishwashing Soap.  It’s label reads:

DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.

 

Texts from Bacon

Sometimes you just get hungry.  What can this oinker say?  I have to maintain this gorgeous pot belly somehow – right?  My posts are white and moms are green this time.  Enjoy –

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – Listen the water is fine my four legged pot bellied piggy.  Why don’t you come for a swim with me.  I’ll even teach you how to swim under the water.  I’m sure you will catch on fast.  What do you think?  Signed Mr. Friendly

❤

Dear Mr. Friendly – Not that I don’t appreciate your well… friendness but I think I’ll pass.  For some reason, I think it’s better for this little oinker to stay on dry land, far away from the water and far, far away from your swimming lessons. Call it a premonition if you will.  But, carry on my friend and thank you… really.

---

Dear Bacon – I see you – purr snicker.  I have my eyes on your activities good or bad.  I’m reporting back to that Evil Elf of yours Don Juan.  You just wait.  You’re going to get it when he comes out in November.  Signed The Watcher

Dear The Watcher – Really?!  It’s not bad enough that I have rogue elf that watches my every move, you’re going to as well?  Rolls piggy eyes and walks away.  This is so not fair in this oinker’s life.  Can’t we all just get along?  Snorts

---

 

Dear Bacon – The nerve of our family vet.  Can you believe that (A) they had the nerve to come near my captains quarters with that proby thing and (B) they told my humans that *I* needed to go on a DIET?!  What in the world was he thinking?  Don’t my humans pay for his sound advice?  What kind of crap advice is this?  I think the look on my face tells you everything I think.  Signed Tiny

Dear Tiny – Oh dear.  That proby thing is awful.  It must be a torture device from centuries long ago.  Yep, that’s what I think.  And that look on your face.  Oh my.  You are certainly not happy.  And well… looks down at my pot belly.  I am one NOT to give any advice to you on that four lettered dirty word – D.I.E.T.  Shakes head – nope.  Not the one to do that at all my friend.

---

Dear Bacon – I double kitty dare you to try this maneuver.  Heck, I triple meow dare you.  I dare you to put your back legs up over your head.  In fact if you can do this position, I will personally come over every day and give you a piggy massage – heck I’ll even clean up your room for you.  Signed Fear Factor Feline

Dear Fear Factor Feline – Really?!  That’s okay my furry friend.  That’s what I have my mommy for – massages and cleaning – snorts.  Let’s hope that cannon of yours doesn’t go off while you are bent legs over head.

---

 

Dear Bacon – I hate it when I get into trouble here at my casa.  Can you believe that my humans make me face the couch and sit here in time out?  It’s so humiliating.  Signed Unhappy Pooch

Dear Unhappy Pooch – WOW my friend.  That is some look you have there facing your tomb of doom.  It’s just not right.  And to put you in this time out right in the middle of the living room where you can hear and see all of the fun activities going on around you.  Shakes piggy head and clicks tongue.  Nope, just not right.  I’m sorry pal.  Maybe when you come out of serving your time, you just ignore those humans.  Show them who is getting timeout there.  Don’t give them any affection.  None whatsoever… can you last like what five seconds?  Hang in there my bud!

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Panchetta,
I am an artist!  Do not think twice of me on my drinking.  It inspires my inner soul.  I would like to paint you – all of you since you are a plus size piggy.  Would you pose for me?  Signed Raphael Chickatello

Dear Raphael Chickatello,

WOW – I am honored… I think.  I really don’t think that I am old enough to pose in any of your paintings.  I think you should move on to maybe cows.  That’s it – cows.  I think cows should be your muse.  They are so much more to work with than just me… a little pig.  Carry on my friend and paint to your hearts content.

 

---

Dear Bacon,
Insert spy music.  The humans think they are so smart in putting out these ‘traps’.  They hurt!  But never fear, this is how we really get the cheese without setting them off.  Now you know our secrets!  Signed Top Mouse

Dear Top Mouse,

I love that move!  I wonder if there is enough wire to suspend me over something delicious.  It looks like a hoot!  You definitely have the moves my friend.  Keep it up my secret friend!

---

Dear Bacon,
I read about you watching television all of the time. I love to watch my shows too – especially the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They fascinate me for some reason. Do you like them? Signed Raffie

Dear Raffie,
I just can’t understand why you would like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. . I mean really, they’re turtles. It blows my mind to figure that one out. And yes, I do like to watch the show as well my friend.

 

---

Dear Bacon,

Just the facts little guy.  Nothing but the facts.  We’ve been watching too many repeats of the movies Men in Black.  Don’t ask me which is which.  We just like to dress like Kay and Jay.  You know, just for fun and giggles.  The neighborhood doesn’t know how to act when we roll into it – bark.  What do you think?  Do you like to dress up like any of your favorite guys?  Signed Kay/Jay

Dear Kay and Jay,

Oh dudes – I love the look!  That is so neat.  I’ve seen those movies and ya’ll kind of look just like the two.  I think it’s the ties and sunglasses.  I would love to roam around in my costume too.  I secretly want to be a piggy super hero.  I keep asking mom to make me a cape.  I know with a cape, this little piggy would have special powers and be able to fly.  Stay cool barky things!

---

❤ Remember friends – Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU.  Please continue to email me your letters/pictures ❤

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon, See there’s this place called the GYM that humans and animals work out at all of the time.  You should find it.  You’re starting to look a little porky – bark – ha.  Signed  Stud Muffin

Dear Mutt Stud, You want to go there huh? This exquisite body is 45 pounds of lean shapely pig.  I’m called a pot bellied pig for a reason.  It takes a lot of work to maintain this exquisite physique.  You should only inspire to have this high performance body one day my friend.  That is all.

---

Dear Bacon, I do not know why you insist on calling those bubbly things in water a spa adventure.  They are not and I will not abide.  You and the humans can not make me.

I will not partake in that watery death sentence.  Signed Cornered

Dear Cornered, WOW – I commend you on the nose in the corner situation.  Is it really all that bad?  I would think that you for one would love to play with the bubbles.

I know the purr things here do when mom is in bubble land.  Did you even stick a paw in the suds?

---

Dear Bacon, I’ve heard in your Netflix que you have a lot of ghost and life after death shows.  HA – I think I’m right up your alley little man.  Any time you want to take the challenge, you just let me know.  I think I can accommodate you.  Signed Precious

Dear Precious, Who you been talking to about my private Netflix account?  I’m good.  Really I am.  I do find it intriguing but not so much to take a challenge physically to find out.  I thank you very much though for the offer.  It was awfully nice of you and I appreciate the thoughts.  You just take it easy and try not hurt yourself okay.  Thanks anyhow!

 

 

 

---

Dear Bacon, Sing with me little oinker –

You put your right foot in,
You put your right foot out,
You put your right foot in
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That’s what it’s all about.

Signed Dancing and Singing Elephant

Dear DAS Elephant, I absolutely loved it and needed that snort.  Thanks so much my friend.  Keep up the fabulous work!

---

❤ Remember friends, Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU.  Please continue to email me your pictures and letters. ❤

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.  My mom/dad always said to make sure you can have fun but yet bring home the kibbles if you know what I mean.  So by day, I help my adopted father in his accounting firm.  Don’t let it fool you.  I have the brain of Einstein and can figure numbers in the blink of an eye and the wag of a tail.  Then at night, I trade my suit for a board and hit the streets of my hood.  See, I can do both and I think I have some great qualities for a woman in my life.  What do you think?  Signed Two For One

Dear Two For One – BONUS!  There you go my friend.  I think that is awesome that you make a living, can bring home the kibble and still know how to have a great time.  I think any woman would be honored to have you in their life for sure!

---

 Dear Bacon – Shaking my head.  I don’t get it.  People point and laugh at me.  Some even call me a rolling ball with fur.  How rude.  I’m just a little squirrel trying to get along in a big world.  Should my feelings be hurt?  Signed Pudge

Dear Pudge – First off – YES.  This kind of behavior happens in the real world of adults as well my little friend.  Some peeps just don’t have the knack of keeping their mouths shut if they don’t have something nice to say.  You so don’t need to put up with this behavior.  There is  no room for bullying in this world!  You are welcomed to move into the woods of the Hotel Thompson any time.  We like to treat everyone the same here.

 

---

Dear Bacon – There is *always* that one sibling in the family that is just stupid – there’s no other way of putting it.  We were sitting in the kitchen, acting like we had no worries in the world, not begging but yet letting the staff know we were there and waiting patiently for a snack of some type.  That’s when brother has to sit up and look stupid.  Okay, he doesn’t have to look stupid cause he is stupid.  But really.  He has to stick his tongue out and act all, “Give me…give me…give me”.  Really, rolls doggy eyes, his class is so out the window.  Do you have a wierdo in your family?  Signed Lewis, Brutus and Stupid

Dear Lewis, Brutus and Stupid – Oh do I!  OMP – I like to call him Hemi.  He’s the cat from you know where here at the Hotel Thompson.  He’s daddy’s little baby and does no wrong.  Yeah right.  He does no wrong because daddy never sees him doing anything bad.  I know exactly the feeling.  I say keep your hide high and use the mute button as much as you can with your brother to block him out.  That’s what I do here – I act like Hemi doesn’t exist… yet he still finds time to remind me by slapping my butt.

 

---

Dear Bacon – Sometimes one has to take steps into their own paws.  My human just couldn’t find the time to make me some biscuits.  But that’s okay.  I find the recipe and took matters into my own paws.  I think they turned out pretty well myself.  If you want, I’ll send you the recipe.  I’m sure they are piggy friendly as well.  Smooches – Mrs. Polly

Dear Mrs Polly – I think that is brilliant.  Why wait for the humans when we don’t have too.  I think that would be great to do.  But hey, why don’t you just come over and use my kitchen to show me how to make them.  The humans are gone in the afternoons – hogs and snout kisses.

 

 

---

Dear Bacon – During a tough week, when Friday night gets here you just want to crash and burn.  It was one of those tough weeks for me.  Too many brushes with the mailman, the UPS driver that got away and too many days of chasing that cute little cat next door.  Friday night, I crashed.  Of course, that was after my bender of my go to food selection to make me feel better.  Coke and a Big Mac.  Can you say yum-yum?  So my friend, do you ever crash and burn?  Signed The Pupster

Dear The Pupster – YES!  I have crashed and burned many times.  In fact, once my week was so bad that I brought the entire bucket of animal crackers in my bedroom and munched into oblivion.  The tummy ache later that night was so worth it.  I do feel you my friend.  Hope your day is better.

---

❤ Remember friends – Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU.  Please continue to email me your pictures and letters.  ❤

 

I Gotta Know Friends

Go ahead.  You can be truthful with me my friends.  This is a picture that mom took of me playing in my magical backyard.  Do you see it?  Do you think I have too many fat rolls/!  Daddy called me chunky monkey this morning when he was scratching my back.  He even went as far as to say I was – are you ready for this? – pudgy.  What the pig heavens.  Me pudgy?  Surely, he is mistaken, right?  That’s not fat rolls.  That’s gotta be extra hugging material – extra loving – extra heat – extra storage space for my tummy.  Right?

 

Do I Look Fat?

This morning, mom helped me on the big bed with her and dad.  I was sleeping so well – just snoring away.  Then mom decided she *had* to go to work – why mom – why?  So I snorted my thoughts on that which woke up daddy.  Then it led to why is Bacon on the bed stealing my blankets?  Come on dad.  We’ve been down this road before.  It’s what I do.  Snorts with piggy laughter.

Then dad had the nerve to call me fat.  Not pleasantly plump.  Not fluffy.  Not big.  Fat.  FAT.  Really dad?  Are we naming names now?  You want to hear what I call you?  NOT THE MOMMY!  Snorts.