Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – Listen the water is fine my four legged pot bellied piggy.  Why don’t you come for a swim with me.  I’ll even teach you how to swim under the water.  I’m sure you will catch on fast.  What do you think?  Signed Mr. Friendly

Dear Mr. Friendly – Not that I don’t appreciate your well… friendness but I think I’ll pass.  For some reason, I think it’s better for this little oinker to stay on dry land, far away from the water and far, far away from your swimming lessons. Call it a premonition if you will.

But, carry on my friend and thank you… really.

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Dear Bacon – The nerve of our family vet.  Can you believe that (A) they had the nerve to come near my captains quarters with that proby thing and (B) they told my humans that *I* needed to go on a DIET?!  What in the world was he thinking?  Don’t my humans pay for his sound advice?  What kind of crap advice is this?  I think the look on my face tells you everything I think.  Signed Tiny

Dear Tiny – Oh dear.  That proby thing is awful.  It must be a torture device from centuries long ago.  Yep, that’s what I think.  And that look on your face.  Oh my.  You are certainly not happy.  And well… looks down at my pot belly.  I am one NOT to give any advice to you on that four lettered dirty word – D.I.E.T.  Shakes head – nope.

Not the one to do that at all my friend.

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Dear Bacon – I see you – purr snicker.  I have my eyes on your activities good or bad.  I’m reporting back to that Evil Elf of yours Don Juan.  You just wait.  You’re going to get it when he comes out in November.  Signed The Watcher

Dear The Watcher – Really?!  It’s not bad enough that I have rogue elf that watches my every move, you’re going to as well?  Rolls piggy eyes and walks away.  This is so not fair in this oinker’s life.  Can’t we all just get along?  Snorts

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Dear Bacon – I hate it when I get into trouble here at my casa.  Can you believe that my humans make me face the couch and sit here in time out?  It’s so humiliating.  Signed Unhappy Pooch

Dear Unhappy Pooch – WOW my friend.  That is some look you have there facing your tomb of doom.  It’s just not right.  And to put you in this time out right in the middle of the living room where you can hear and see all of the fun activities going on around you.  Shakes piggy head and clicks tongue.  Nope, just not right.  I’m sorry pal.  Maybe when you come out of serving your time, you just ignore those humans.  Show them who is getting timeout there.  Don’t give them any affection.

None whatsoever… can you last like what five seconds?  Hang in there my bud!

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Dear Bacon – I double kitty dare you to try this maneuver.  Heck, I triple meow dare you.  I dare you to put your back legs up over your head.  In fact if you can do this position, I will personally come over every day and give you a piggy massage – heck I’ll even clean up your room for you.  Signed Fear Factor Feline

Dear Fear Factor Feline – Really?!  That’s okay my furry friend.  That’s what I have my mommy for – massages and cleaning – snorts.  Let’s hope that cannon of yours doesn’t go off while you are bent legs over head.

 

NO! Just say NO to Daddy Elf

Daddy I have a word for you with that new hat of yours –

N.O.

No elf hats will be allowed here in the Hotel Thompson.  Nope.  Never.  They remind me too much of that evil little freak Don Juan who better not come back here next year.  You heard that right.  He better not.

If he does, I’ve got an entire year to think of strategy in removing him from this household.  I’m off to work on that strategy now.

 

I’ll Pass – Shaking My Head

 

Bless dad’s heart.  This is how he found his toothbrush this morning in the bathroom.  Don Juan.  What can I say?  That rogue elf is a crime to society just waiting to happen.  Daddy reached for his toothbrush and found this little squirt taking advantage of it.  I gotta tell you.  That little guy is FAST.

He jumped off of the sink, onto the floor and slithered away before any of us could catch him.  And I really thought Houdini was going to get him this time too.  I tell you.  If he ever gets captured, it’s going to be a satisfying moment to sit back and watch whatever happens to him.

Oh and don’t worry.  Daddy decided to skip the brushing this morning and is electing to get a new toothbrush sometime today.  He mumbled something about elf cooties and such and not knowing where that evil snot has been.

 

Oh Dear – Help Me

Shakes head side to side.  Welcome to living here at the Hotel Thompson my friends.  This is what daddy woke up to this morning in the bathroom.  And trust me, he fell for it.  I’ve never heard a man scream so loud before.  Don Juan is in deep trouble when dad gets a hold of him!

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – Listen the water is fine my four legged pot bellied piggy.  Why don’t you come for a swim with me.  I’ll even teach you how to swim under the water.  I’m sure you will catch on fast.  What do you think?  Signed Mr. Friendly

❤

Dear Mr. Friendly – Not that I don’t appreciate your well… friendness but I think I’ll pass.  For some reason, I think it’s better for this little oinker to stay on dry land, far away from the water and far, far away from your swimming lessons. Call it a premonition if you will.  But, carry on my friend and thank you… really.

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Dear Bacon – I see you – purr snicker.  I have my eyes on your activities good or bad.  I’m reporting back to that Evil Elf of yours Don Juan.  You just wait.  You’re going to get it when he comes out in November.  Signed The Watcher

Dear The Watcher – Really?!  It’s not bad enough that I have rogue elf that watches my every move, you’re going to as well?  Rolls piggy eyes and walks away.  This is so not fair in this oinker’s life.  Can’t we all just get along?  Snorts

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Dear Bacon – The nerve of our family vet.  Can you believe that (A) they had the nerve to come near my captains quarters with that proby thing and (B) they told my humans that *I* needed to go on a DIET?!  What in the world was he thinking?  Don’t my humans pay for his sound advice?  What kind of crap advice is this?  I think the look on my face tells you everything I think.  Signed Tiny

Dear Tiny – Oh dear.  That proby thing is awful.  It must be a torture device from centuries long ago.  Yep, that’s what I think.  And that look on your face.  Oh my.  You are certainly not happy.  And well… looks down at my pot belly.  I am one NOT to give any advice to you on that four lettered dirty word – D.I.E.T.  Shakes head – nope.  Not the one to do that at all my friend.

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Dear Bacon – I double kitty dare you to try this maneuver.  Heck, I triple meow dare you.  I dare you to put your back legs up over your head.  In fact if you can do this position, I will personally come over every day and give you a piggy massage – heck I’ll even clean up your room for you.  Signed Fear Factor Feline

Dear Fear Factor Feline – Really?!  That’s okay my furry friend.  That’s what I have my mommy for – massages and cleaning – snorts.  Let’s hope that cannon of yours doesn’t go off while you are bent legs over head.

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Dear Bacon – I hate it when I get into trouble here at my casa.  Can you believe that my humans make me face the couch and sit here in time out?  It’s so humiliating.  Signed Unhappy Pooch

Dear Unhappy Pooch – WOW my friend.  That is some look you have there facing your tomb of doom.  It’s just not right.  And to put you in this time out right in the middle of the living room where you can hear and see all of the fun activities going on around you.  Shakes piggy head and clicks tongue.  Nope, just not right.  I’m sorry pal.  Maybe when you come out of serving your time, you just ignore those humans.  Show them who is getting timeout there.  Don’t give them any affection.  None whatsoever… can you last like what five seconds?  Hang in there my bud!

 

Oh Snap – Help Me!

Help me please.  Mom stayed up last night and made gingerbread men.  She always makes us some Christmas cookies and she works hard at it.  We’ve never had any problems but of course with this little freak in the house anything could happen, right?

Me and dad got up this morning to find this in the kitchen.  I think the little dirt bag has gone way too far now – over the edge you might say.  Gulps – decapitating the heads off of mom’s Gingerbread men.  How are we going to explain this to mom?  How will mom be able to give out cookies now?  What will the neighbors think?  Thank goodness the Muffin Man doesn’t live close by.

At least one Gingerbread man made it…. Take it away friend.

 

That Freaky Elf – Busted!

Our cable bill had extra charges on it this month.  Mom was blaming daddy but he kept telling her he wasn’t doing it.  Now we know.  Don Juan – you are a little FREAK!  If we could find him during the day – he would be so be buried deep in the ground… in a box… tied up.  Shivers.

 

Oh Dear Lord Have Mercy – He’s Back!

Shakes head side to side.  Welcome to living here at the Hotel Thompson my friends.  This is what daddy woke up to this morning in the bathroom.  And trust me, he fell for it.  I’ve never heard a man scream so loud before.  Don Juan is in deep trouble when dad gets a hold of him!

 

Door Watch 2016 – Sherlock Bones

That freaking no good for nothing messed up evil elf is an … is an… is an.. how do I say it..  okay I gotta say it – a$$hole.  No really he is.  There is no way to sugar coat it.

I’m on Door Watch 2016 last night.  Everyone else is in bed.  I’m determined to bring some kind of cheeriness to the Hotel Thompson this year – free of that misfit Evil Elf on the Shelf that lives here called Don Juan.  He is just totally messed up.  I think he fell on his pointed head too many times at the North Pole.

So there I was in the front room on patrol.  I hear some movement from the Elf Door.  I go closer to give it a good sniff.  The odor is there – you know the peppermint, pine and eggnog smell.  I know he’s in there.  If I move just the right way, I can see a light inside of the hole.  So I wiggled down, moving slightly to the left – to the right – up a bit.  That’s when I saw it.  That little evil elf knew I was there.  How do I know?  I took the picture below to show you.   Now you believe me?  A$$hole.

 

Door Watch 2016 – Sherlock Bones

Sherlock Bones here checking in on Door Watch 2016.  Watching that door is wiping me out.  I’m not sleeping.  I barely move except for the basics – you know a dog has to do what a dog has to do outside.  Other than that and eating, I’m watching and listening at that pesky door in the hallway.  I know that freak is behind the door listening to me too.  I can smell him.  The other day I said he smelled like peppermint and pine.  Evil squirrel said it best too – he has a faint smell of alcohol.  Don’t shake your head no – listen to the reasoning.  He smells like spiked eggnog.  Really!  The smells coming out of that door are somewhat revolting yet mesmerizing in a way.  I think it might be his magic powers coming to light.  I really hope not.

I was so tired last night that Houdini and Bacon tagged team and they stood watch while I got a little shut eye.  The picture of me tells you everything.  This Door Watch 2016 is taking its toll.  I drifted off to sleep land, content, warm with a full belly.  I had some of the most pleasant dreams.  One of which involved the little seasonal outcast… I found a picture to explain.

I hope you are continuing your watch on your misbehaved elves.  Time is ticking and getting closer to their freedom.  We must stand united!