Dear Bacon, HELP! I lost my favorite squeaky ducky. I ❤ that ducky. He’s my bestie in the entire world. I haven’t been able to find him for hours. What’s a dog to do? I can’t sleep without him. Can you help me find him? Signed Lost Ducky
Dear Lost Ducky, Uuumm. Smile really BIG and open your mouth. Did anything fall out? There you go. Lost ducky found my friend. You two make a great team. Go Ya’ll!
Dear Bacon, Can you please explain to us WHY there is *always* a longer line at the women’s restrooms. We don’t get it. We always have to wait while the men’s line seems to keep moving. Can you help us out? Signed Waiting Patiently but With Legs Crossed
Dear Waiting Patiently but With Legs Crossed, That is a dilemma my friends. I hear my mom talking about this all of the time. She says it’s because women have more to do. Not in a bad way, but ya’ll do. That’s what makes ya’ll special. Might I suggest when no one is looking, run to the men’s room. Hey, if there’s no line there, why wait, right? And remember – ya’ll are beautiful!
Dear Bacon, Really? Why does my humans think this picture is hilarious? They couldn’t stop laughing. I don’t get it. I saw this paci thingy fall from the smaller human so I bit it to see what it is all about. Then my humans started laughing and snapped this picture. I don’t get it. This stupid paci does nothing for me like it does the small crying human. Signed Pugneck
Dear Pugneck, Wait a minute my friend. I need to put down my paper sack that was breathing in after seeing that picture. So let me understand this. You’re okay with the picture being taken. You’re confusion falls into what exactly the paci thingy does for the crying miniature human. Good one. Yep, that’s where your concern should be. You see, small miniature humans depend on those things to calm them. It may not have that effect on say – the likes of you. But on the other paw, it does amuse and “calm” humans to see you trying it out…. heck, it amuses me for that matter too my friend. Snorts.
Dear Bacon, There I was sitting on the sofa, enjoying my cup of java, fresh out of the shower and watching Maury Povich on the television. I was minding my own business. Then walks in the cable guy and snaps this picture of me on his cell phone. WTD?! Don’t we have any privacy in our own home anymore? Next thing I knew, the cable man had tweeted this out to all his friends. Talk about an invasion of privacy. The nerve! Signed Dog of Leisure
Dear Dog of Leisure, WOW – the cable man got to your house that early? That in itself is amazing brother. I can’t believe that. A cable man that actually shows up FIRST thing in the morning? WOW – I’m amazed at that. It took the cable man two weeks and four hours to show up here at the Hotel Thompson for our last upgrade. Astonishing. Oh, I’m sorry. You had a problem about the picture being tweeted. Here’s what you do. Under the tweet, tweet that the cable man actually showed up FIRST thing in the morning. He’ll be trashed by other cable men for letting them down in his accuracy. You just wait – stay strong and carry on!
Dear Bacon, my humans will suffer the consequences of this get up on me. The disgust. The nerve. The humiliation. Oh dear Lord, help me out buddy. Signed Not Amused
Dear Not Amused, Well at least it has your seal of not being amused – snorts. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t joke in a time like this. I would clap for your approval but I don’t think you could do that for me. I gotta ask though. Is there a drop pouch for potty breaks? If not, someone is going to have some cleaning up on aisle three to do – double snorts. Hey, I’m joking. I’m sorry little buddy. You do look cute though. Not many pooches could carry that one. Wear it with pride. That’s it. And hey, if the seal isn’t broken, don’t fix it.
Remember my friends, Dear Bacon can’t happen without YOU. Keep sending me your questions and pictures to firstname.lastname@example.org