Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – ssss safety first is what I always hiss.  My human friend sss says the same thing.  You always buckle upsss the important things in your life when you get into the car.  Anipalsssss are no different.  Remember that my friend – ssss safety first.  Signed Mr. Slithers

Dear Mr. Slithers – Gulps – of course.  I agree strongly with you safety first.  That’s why I would *always* let you ride shot gun up front with the human – always.  In fact, I would go as far as saying I would always let you go with the human period.  I’ll just pass on this ride.  I get car sick at times anyway.  Safe travels to you and yours.  Gulps and slowly backs out of this letter.

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Dear Bacon – My human must die.  There it is.  Plain and simple.  He put this stupid contraption on me and now I look like a cat.  Really?!  A cat?  That’s as creative as you can get my human?  Just wait until you go to sleep and you will go to sleep sometime.  Signed Jax

Dear Jax – Oh my piggy heavens.  Dude, your owner is very brave to dress you up like that and then to take you out in public and THEN to take your picture.  Clicking my tongue.  Yes you are right.  He must pay tonight.

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Dear Bacon – That’s it.  We are ready.  It’s bad enough that we have cats chasing us around the house and inside of the house.  Now when we go out in the field, squirrels are trying to get us too.  This means war.  Bring on the hamster troops.  Cats and squirrels are going down!  Signed Troop End of Destruction

Dear Troop End of Destruction – Pardon me sir but I must ask.  Where do you find those cute little guns and fatigues??  Ok, I know you are trying to look tough but squeals with piggy excitement.  You are just way too cute to be making any havoc out there in the killing fields.  Can’t you solve this war without tragedies?  Come on.  I bet ya’ll can talk this out in a peaceful manner.  Sure  you can!  I have faith.  I can call Dr. Phil for you. I’m sure he can get you on the show.

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Dear Bacon – There I was playing with Mr. Spock and all of a sudden his leg started to spontaneously shoot out white stuffing.  I’m not sure what happened but I knew we needed a medic STAT.  That’s where I jumped in with my scrubs and got to work patching up Mr. Spock.  He didn’t feel a thing during the operation.  And look, his leg will be fine in a couple of days.  It was a close call indeed Mr. Spock.  Signed Dr. Kirk

Dr. Kirk – I know that was a tough call my friend.  Thank goodness nothing beamed you up.  That would have been a tight predicament to be in and oh thank goodness you were on call for the surgery.  Can you imagine how Mr. Spock would look if you had to amputate his little leg?  The horror!

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Dear Bacon – I have got to quick partying all night with the dogs in the neighborhood.  I’m not sure what people are putting in their commodes anymore.  We all went out for a few drinks and the next thing you know, I woke up like this.  Of course my friends took pictures to blackmail me with in the future.  I’m not sure what happened or what her name is.  I need help.  Really I do.  It was a ruff situation this morning doing the walk of shame.  Signed Fido

Dear Fido – Oh dude.  I would say you need therapy.  You gotta stop drinking the strange stuff in commodes.  You just never know what might be in there.  You don’t want a repeat of this night.  Oh my goodness.  Are you going to call her at least?

 

Freaky Friday Mix Up

Dear Diary,

Something wicked has happened to me. I’m not sure what to think about this. It started out like usual and then it went far left really quick. I’m getting ahead of myself like I normally do so let me start from the beginning. This is what happened:

Yawn and stretch. Hhhmm – eyebrows straight up – that felt different. My stretch was more… well stretchy. Strange. It felt like I had long and fluid legs… not my usual short and stout ones. Maybe I’m losing weight – yeah that has to be it. Opens eyes and looks around my room. What is that insistent chirping noise? It’s coming from beyond the window in my bedroom. I stand up and stretch again. Man, I must be really losing weight. I felt my back, my legs and even my tail stretch on that one. There goes that chirping again. Dude, that’s got to stop.

I walked over to the window and that was another strange thing. My hooves on my bedroom floor didn’t make the regular clickety-clack sound. Strange but okay. I gotta eat some more. I looked up at the window ledge and didn’t think twice before I jumped up on it. WOW – I can jump! Wonder why I never did that before? I looked out the window and spotted those singing creatures outside. Those would so make a wonderful two piece snack. Snap, did I say that? And oh looky – there is Mr. Parson’s furry things. HISS! Double HISS! What in the world?! Where did that come from? Shakes head – things are weird this Friday.

I hear mom in the kitchen and the next thing I knew she was saying, “Frühstück”. I immediately jumped down and went down the hallway. Hey, I’m hungry for some breakfast. I hope she made tuna. I then stopped immediately in my tracks. What?! How did I know German? And tuna for breakfast? Today is strange.

I continued to the kitchen and that’s when weird became super weird. I walked up to mom and swished my body against her legs and bit her ankle. What in the world?! Mom started fussing at me and I started talking back to her. What? I don’t do that. I ate my breakfast and then spied an empty box in the living room. Oh squeal – this is my lucky day! I looked at mom and made one last meow at her and went in the front room jumping in the box. What in the heck just happened? I meowed and jumped in a box. WHAT?! Something is definitely wrong. I ran to my bedroom and looked in the mirror. Blinked several times and shook myself. I must still be dreaming. There is no way this can be real. I’m Tigerlino?! Oh dear, that must have been some bad strawberries I had last night. I can’t be a boy kitty. No way! No wonder I could jump. This can’t be happening. A nap. That’s what I need – a power nap.

So Diary. I thought it was just a dream. All I had to do was go back to sleep and finish this dream. That’s it. I’m a pig. I’m not a cat. No way! So the power nap commenced. I woke up after an hour or so and just *knew* it would be better… so I thought. This is what happened then:

Slowly I started to wake. It felt funny. It didn’t feel like my soft bed. This felt like paper. I looked underneath me and somehow I had fell asleep on the newspapers. Ha – I guess that was my way of keeping on top of the current events. I went to stand and tripped over my two front feet – clumsy me. I stretched and then I was off to look for the ladies room. I found it and chattered until I got some privacy. That’s when I smelled the coffee from mom. She was at the fridge getting some of that delicious evaporated milk for her warm cup. I walked over and pleaded by going in and out of her legs and talking to her until she caved. She fixed me a little bowl and it was pure heaven! The only thing that could have made this better was some strawberry yogurt. Licks lips and starts to clean myself. Oh snap! I didn’t know I could bring my back leg up over my head?! Oh dear heavens – call Circus Soleil – this she kitty has skills!

What? What did I just say?! Oh my, something is very wrong. What is mommy doing now? Oh Himmel! Here comes that monster in the closet. Screech! and runs off to the bedroom to hide under the bed. I’m shaking. I’m scared. That monster in the closet is like a scary movie waiting to happen!

But wait a minute. Why am I hiding under the bed and still speaking German?! I keep repeating to myself, “This can’t be real. This can’t be real.” I slowly crawl out from underneath the bed and look in the mirror. Holy bat kitty – look at that sexy purr thing – wolf whistles. Wait a minute, that sexy purr thing whistled back at me. I move my arm and she moved her arm. Oh no. Oh no. I finally looked down at my feet. Oh.good.Lord. I’m Roxy now? What in the world have we done? What happened?

Diary, I’m trying to remember last night. I remember talking to Tigerlino and Roxy before going to bed. We were talking about how each of us live throughout the day at our homes. Uh-oh… is this Freaky Friday?! I lay down and close my eyes trying to concentrate. When I open them, I’ll be fine. This is just a dream. You know like how when mom sleep walks. Yeah, that’s it. It has to be it. I’m going to count to 10, open my eyes and look down. Everything will be fine. Really. I *just* know it.

OH DEAR HEAVENS – Call Dr. Phil. Call Oprah. Call the Vet. I’m A CAT!?!