Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon – Listen the water is fine my four legged pot bellied piggy.  Why don’t you come for a swim with me.  I’ll even teach you how to swim under the water.  I’m sure you will catch on fast.  What do you think?  Signed Mr. Friendly

Dear Mr. Friendly – Not that I don’t appreciate your well… friendness but I think I’ll pass.  For some reason, I think it’s better for this little oinker to stay on dry land, far away from the water and far, far away from your swimming lessons. Call it a premonition if you will.

But, carry on my friend and thank you… really.

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Dear Bacon – The nerve of our family vet.  Can you believe that (A) they had the nerve to come near my captains quarters with that proby thing and (B) they told my humans that *I* needed to go on a DIET?!  What in the world was he thinking?  Don’t my humans pay for his sound advice?  What kind of crap advice is this?  I think the look on my face tells you everything I think.  Signed Tiny

Dear Tiny – Oh dear.  That proby thing is awful.  It must be a torture device from centuries long ago.  Yep, that’s what I think.  And that look on your face.  Oh my.  You are certainly not happy.  And well… looks down at my pot belly.  I am one NOT to give any advice to you on that four lettered dirty word – D.I.E.T.  Shakes head – nope.

Not the one to do that at all my friend.

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Dear Bacon – I see you – purr snicker.  I have my eyes on your activities good or bad.  I’m reporting back to that Evil Elf of yours Don Juan.  You just wait.  You’re going to get it when he comes out in November.  Signed The Watcher

Dear The Watcher – Really?!  It’s not bad enough that I have rogue elf that watches my every move, you’re going to as well?  Rolls piggy eyes and walks away.  This is so not fair in this oinker’s life.  Can’t we all just get along?  Snorts

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Dear Bacon – I hate it when I get into trouble here at my casa.  Can you believe that my humans make me face the couch and sit here in time out?  It’s so humiliating.  Signed Unhappy Pooch

Dear Unhappy Pooch – WOW my friend.  That is some look you have there facing your tomb of doom.  It’s just not right.  And to put you in this time out right in the middle of the living room where you can hear and see all of the fun activities going on around you.  Shakes piggy head and clicks tongue.  Nope, just not right.  I’m sorry pal.  Maybe when you come out of serving your time, you just ignore those humans.  Show them who is getting timeout there.  Don’t give them any affection.

None whatsoever… can you last like what five seconds?  Hang in there my bud!

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Dear Bacon – I double kitty dare you to try this maneuver.  Heck, I triple meow dare you.  I dare you to put your back legs up over your head.  In fact if you can do this position, I will personally come over every day and give you a piggy massage – heck I’ll even clean up your room for you.  Signed Fear Factor Feline

Dear Fear Factor Feline – Really?!  That’s okay my furry friend.  That’s what I have my mommy for – massages and cleaning – snorts.  Let’s hope that cannon of yours doesn’t go off while you are bent legs over head.

 

NO! Just say NO to Daddy Elf

Daddy I have a word for you with that new hat of yours –

N.O.

No elf hats will be allowed here in the Hotel Thompson.  Nope.  Never.  They remind me too much of that evil little freak Don Juan who better not come back here next year.  You heard that right.  He better not.

If he does, I’ve got an entire year to think of strategy in removing him from this household.  I’m off to work on that strategy now.

 

Good Bye Don Juan

Good riddance!  Another year behind us with the freak gone.  Shakes piggy head.  I think I will need therapy this year to get over some of the antics that Don Juan did to us this year.  He has no morals.  No standards.  Not anything good is in his twisted little body.  He is bad.  Real bad.

The night before Christmas, dad was going to set out donuts and a Coke Zero for Santa.  I know that’s a weird combination but dad assured me that was what Santa wanted – Shakes piggy head.  You know what they say, “Don’t argue with your elders”.  Snorts with piggy laughter.

Dad went to go get the donuts and he found Don Juan was in his bag.  The little brat ate all of the donuts but one.  Daddy said Santa was *not* going to be happy.

So Don Juan – goodbye.  Good riddance.  Don’t let the door hit you on the butt on the way out of the Hotel Thompson.  Until we see each again, may you see nothing but darkness.  And watch out little guy – we will be prepared for you next year.  Oh yes… we will – evil piggy snorts.

 

Oh NO – Elf Porn

Are you kidding me?!  Don Juan is really up to no good this year.  Mom heard noises last night around midnight.  She pinpointed the sounds to the bathroom.  The door was closed and she quietly opened it and caught Don Juan videotaping some of mom’s collectible Barbies in a so called ‘hot sink’.  Talk about mad!  Are you kidding me Don Juan?!  Making porn tapes is one thing.  But taking mom’s collectible Barbies out of the packages – oh my piggy heavens.  It’s a good thing you scurried off the sink and hid before she caught you.  You are so on mom’s hit list now.

 

That’ll Teach The Little Elf Freak

Meow our fellow followers.  Hemi here for your amusement.  We told you the little freak Don Juan would go down.  We may have pushed him over the edge last night.  Talk about getting even.

We waited until everyone here at the Hotel Thompson went to sleep.  In fact, we even acted like we were sleeping.  Then when darkness came down and the snoring from the humans started, me and Houdini crept into the living room to wait for the creep.. I mean Don Juan to make his nightly visit.

That’s when we heard him.  He was in the liquor cabinet.  That is strictly off limits.  You have to be over five feet to enter that zone and trust me guys – he is not.  He barely makes it over 10 inches.  He crawled up into the cabinet and made himself a Bloody Mary – one of mom’s precious favorites.

When he wasn’t looking, I put some Tabasco sauce in the drink.  Have you heard of the book Fifty Shades of Grey?  Well, that little rascal turned fifty shades of various red after choking down the hot sauce.  Meows and rolls around laughing.  Score for the ninja kitty!

 

NO HE DIDN’T!

  I. hate. Don. Juan.

There you go.  That elf needs to be stopped NOW… like yesterday.  He is evil pure and simple.  I woke up this morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed.  I stretched my hooves, yawned and tooted.  What?  You don’t do that in the mornings?  I then rolled over to look at my picture of Miss Piggy on my night stand and got the shock of my little piggy life.  My Miss Piggy picture was gone and in it’s place was this hideous, nightmarish joke from Don Juan.  I squealed so loudly that I think Nana heard me all the way up the street.  The nerve of this so called elf for Santa.  I’m writing the head elf of the Union.  This can’t go on anymore.  Shivers and looks in every corner of my bedroom.

 

 

I’ll Pass – Shaking My Head

 

Bless dad’s heart.  This is how he found his toothbrush this morning in the bathroom.  Don Juan.  What can I say?  That rogue elf is a crime to society just waiting to happen.  Daddy reached for his toothbrush and found this little squirt taking advantage of it.  I gotta tell you.  That little guy is FAST.

He jumped off of the sink, onto the floor and slithered away before any of us could catch him.  And I really thought Houdini was going to get him this time too.  I tell you.  If he ever gets captured, it’s going to be a satisfying moment to sit back and watch whatever happens to him.

Oh and don’t worry.  Daddy decided to skip the brushing this morning and is electing to get a new toothbrush sometime today.  He mumbled something about elf cooties and such and not knowing where that evil snot has been.

 

Lasso of Truth

Bacon’s mom here. Don Juan is now considered a bratty elf beyond any kind of help.  So he sends my picture to Santa that’s great.  But did he have to send my picture via Playboy magazine?  You can’t lie Don Juan.  The proof was in yesterday’s posting that Bacon did.  We won’t even discuss how much Bacon charged on daddy’s credit card to get back all of those magazines.  Shakes my head.

And now you have way overstepped your boundaries here at the Hotel Thompson.

Messing with the kids is one thing.  Messing with the husband is another thing.  But messing with my collectible Barbie dolls – shaking head.  That’s where I have to draw the line.

When I took a nap yesterday – cause Lord knows we can’t sleep at night with that freak running around rapid – I dreamed of my favorite Super Hero – Wonder Woman and what she would do with that freakzoid with her lasso of truth – giggles.  We should only know how he felt about being tied up by my number one hero – HA!

 

Don Juan Has Done It Now!

How in the world am I going to explain this picture to mommy?  It looks like that little psycho elf has been into mom’s pictures and sent them to a certain magazine which has made its way to the big man and his elves.

Shakes piggy head.  This can’t be good.  Look at their faces?!  Oh dear piggy heavens.  How am I ever going to tell mommy what Don Juan has done this time?!  What will daddy think?

You gotta help me friends.  How do I break it gently to my mom that her private pictures may not be so private anymore and that she might be on Santa’s naughty list… but he might like it?  Snorts.

Don Juan is in deep doo-doo here at the Hotel Thompson. Shakes piggy head and walks away with daddy’s credit card.  I gotta buy all of these off the market so she doesn’t see the cover.

 

Don Juan’s Powers are Strong

Lord have mercy.  Is it after Christmas yet my friends?  Please tell me it’s soon – really soon – not soon enough for my liking.  You see I can admit it.  Don Juan’s powers are strong here.  That evil little elf on the shelf needs to go back to where he came.  I’m going to need therapy after all of his antics this year.

You see, this morning I went into the front room like I do every day.  I was minding my own business, snorting and wobbling to the kitchen.  I passed through the living room and saw Houdini.  He barked.  I snorted.  You know to say hey to each other.  That’s when I stopped in my piggy tracks.

Houdini was dressed up like an elf.  WTP (What the pig!).  I asked the little guy what happened.  He said he thought he heard chattering last night in bed and this was how he woke up.  Oh dear piggy heavens.  You mean Don Juan sneaked into his bedroom and put this ridiculous outfit on him while he was sleeping?!  Shivers – I may not be able to sleep myself alone now until after the elf goes back into hibernation for the season.

I admit it.  This scares me.  Houdini didn’t know what happened.  Somehow he slept through it all?  How is that?  How can you sleep through being dressed?

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