Dear Bacon – Listen the water is fine my four legged pot bellied piggy. Why don’t you come for a swim with me. I’ll even teach you how to swim under the water. I’m sure you will catch on fast. What do you think? Signed Mr. Friendly
Dear Mr. Friendly – Not that I don’t appreciate your well… friendness but I think I’ll pass. For some reason, I think it’s better for this little oinker to stay on dry land, far away from the water and far, far away from your swimming lessons. Call it a premonition if you will. But, carry on my friend and thank you… really.
Dear Bacon – I see you – purr snicker. I have my eyes on your activities good or bad. I’m reporting back to that Evil Elf of yours Don Juan. You just wait. You’re going to get it when he comes out in November. Signed The Watcher
Dear The Watcher – Really?! It’s not bad enough that I have rogue elf that watches my every move, you’re going to as well? Rolls piggy eyes and walks away. This is so not fair in this oinker’s life. Can’t we all just get along? Snorts
Dear Bacon – The nerve of our family vet. Can you believe that (A) they had the nerve to come near my captains quarters with that proby thing and (B) they told my humans that *I* needed to go on a DIET?! What in the world was he thinking? Don’t my humans pay for his sound advice? What kind of crap advice is this? I think the look on my face tells you everything I think. Signed Tiny
Dear Tiny – Oh dear. That proby thing is awful. It must be a torture device from centuries long ago. Yep, that’s what I think. And that look on your face. Oh my. You are certainly not happy. And well… looks down at my pot belly. I am one NOT to give any advice to you on that four lettered dirty word – D.I.E.T. Shakes head – nope. Not the one to do that at all my friend.
Dear Bacon – I double kitty dare you to try this maneuver. Heck, I triple meow dare you. I dare you to put your back legs up over your head. In fact if you can do this position, I will personally come over every day and give you a piggy massage – heck I’ll even clean up your room for you. Signed Fear Factor Feline
Dear Fear Factor Feline – Really?! That’s okay my furry friend. That’s what I have my mommy for – massages and cleaning – snorts. Let’s hope that cannon of yours doesn’t go off while you are bent legs over head.
Dear Unhappy Pooch – WOW my friend. That is some look you have there facing your tomb of doom. It’s just not right. And to put you in this time out right in the middle of the living room where you can hear and see all of the fun activities going on around you. Shakes piggy head and clicks tongue. Nope, just not right. I’m sorry pal. Maybe when you come out of serving your time, you just ignore those humans. Show them who is getting timeout there. Don’t give them any affection. None whatsoever… can you last like what five seconds? Hang in there my bud!