Texts From Bacon

Oh my friends.  I know it’s been a long time since I’ve shared some of my Texts from Bacon but I was waiting for a great one between me and mom.  This one is it.  My texts are in blue and mom’s responses are in gray.  Hope you enjoy it!

          

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon,
There always has to be that one goofy person in your life that has to do the most insane things.  Meet my brother Hekyll.  He’s an idiot.  You have any ideas on what I can do here?  Signed Jekyll

Dear Jekyll,
PLOL (piggy laughing out loud).  Insanity must run through your family my friend.  Maybe Hekyll was dropped on his head too much as a pup.  Maybe he just wants to have fun.  Maybe you’re right and he is insane?  What we know for sure, he’s a fun guy and you can’t pick your family.  Try not to stop the insanity too much – go with it and have fun my friend.

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Dear Bacon,
What?  Can’t a guy just hang out in the sand and ponder the day?  I thought I would perhaps have a little privacy here but nope  Here comes mom with the flashy thing taking my picture.  What do you do my friend for a little alone time?  Signed Wazzup

Dear Wazzup,
Hey friend.  You do realize that you are taking a siesta in your potty, right?  That’s not glorious sand that is on the beach.  That is a potty field.  Perhaps you should try to find your zen time alone somewhere else that the human can’t find you with the flashy thing.  You’re small.  I’m sure there are loads of places – under the bed, in the back of the closet, on a high shelf, on top of the fridge.  You get the drift.  Have fun exploring.

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Dear Bacon,
I don’t get it.  Dad says he’s taking me to work with him today.  I’m all for that until he puts this silly tie on me.  Why do I have to wear a tie?  It makes me look stupid.  What do you think?  Signed Mr. Golden

Dear Mr Golden,
Well, the up side is you get to go to work with your dad.  That’s what I would focus on my friend.  If he wants you to wear a tie – go for it for a little freedom and insight to see what the man does all day.  And please report back about what fun you had.

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Dear Bacon,
Oh dear kitty heavens!  Make it stop please.  Why does it have to kiss me?  EEWW – and what’s up with throwing her leg up in the air while she is doing it?  This is way beyond the cootie factor.  What to do?  Signed Girls Have Cooties

Dear Girls Have Cooties,
I have to admit my friend that it’s actually a cute and awesome picture. Believe me, there will come a stage in your life when you actually WANT girls to kiss you.  Remember that okay.  And try to be nice to your friend.  You never know when you might need her 🙂

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Dear Bacon,
Mom was cleaning the oven.  She left the door open so it could ‘air out’ as she stated.  I thought this was an ideal moment to find (A) a place that was warm and (B) a place the stupid dog couldn’t get into.  Mom came back to the kitchen and found me like this.  I don’t get it.  What’s the big deal?  Signed 350 Degrees

Dear 350 Degrees,
Of all the places in your home, I think you might want to find another place to hide from the barky thing.  You do realize that you are in the oven.  You know the place that the humans put things in and then take things out COOKED.  Do you really want to be a cooked kitty?  Lord help you if your daddy human came home and shut the door without seeing you there.  Shivers to mergatroid.  I stay as far away from the oven as I possibly can…. you know for obvious reasons.  I would highly recommend that you do the same my friend.

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Thank you so much my anipals for sending your pictures/questions to me.  Please continue to do so at baconthompson@gmail.com 

 

 

Dear Bacon… Issue 4

Thank you so much for the questions and pictures that you are sending in to the Dear Bacon column.  I’m getting enough for a weekly column now – YAY!!  Remember, send your questions and/or pictures to me at BaconThompson@gmail.com

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Dear Bacon,

I think I’ve found a new career for myself.  I absolutely love wrestling bro.  I’ve got a move that I like to refer to as the Butt Kisser.  I get my opponent down and sit on his face.  Sometimes I get excited and well a little air is exchanged if you know what I mean.  What do you think – I got a career or what?  Signed Butt Kisser

Dear Butt Kisser,

You definitely got some moves pooch.  I’m not even going to ask how many so-called friends you tried this move on in your neighborhood.  What do you see some fellow canines walking down the street, chase after them, sit on their faces and expel gas?  What is your street name there again?  Running Gas Bomb?  Bully the Butt?  Come on – back off the moves.  Unless you’re in the arena actually wrestling, I think I’m safe to say that your fellow canines don’t appreciate what you’re doing. 

Dear Bacon,

Oh man, I’m like so excited man.  I love coke man.  The more the merrier man.  I don’t care where it comes from – I must have it little man.  What am I to do? – Signed High on Coke Man

Dear High on Coke Man,

Back up from the straw little squirrel.  Go ahead, no walk away.  You are so hyper that given a hamster wheel you could make enough energy to put GE out of business.  You don’t need the stimulants.  You need a 12 step program.  One day at a time.  Admission is the first step.  You can do it!

Dear Bacon,

I love to cook!  My passion is cooking!  I don’t care about chasing the post man or milk man – I’d rather cook for them.  My parents don’t know about this.  Secretly at night, I go into the kitchen and act like Julia Child.  It’s so much fun!  Of course, I clean everything up before the master gets up.  Should I come out of the closet? – Signed Chef on the Download

Dear Chef on the Download,

Dude, if you can cook – come out of the closet.  Don’t walk – RUN!  I’m sure your parents would enjoy being waiting on by their dog for a change.  Just remember basics like washing your paws okay.  Practice on and maybe you can get on Hell’s Kitchen next year!

Dear Bacon,

I hate my job.  You know those pesky people who call you from credit card companies trying to collect money?  That’s me.  (Hey, it happens!  You know there’s a talking bear movie fixing to come out called Ted.)  We do collections.  Well, I hate calling people and trying to collect money.  I may look all cute and everything but my voice is really deep like Samuel Jackson so they hired me for the job.  But, I’m not like that.  I want a new job.  What should I do? – Signed Collector with a Big Voice

Dear Collector with a Big Voice,

Little dude, there is a special place for your work kind.  Not talking specifically about you in general but your trade.  Why don’t you find something that you like.  I’m sure there are a lot of different phone positions for a breed of your disposition.  Try some different telemarketing jobs until you find something you like.