Dear Bacon

 Dear Bacon,  HELP!  I lost my favorite squeaky ducky.  I ❤ that ducky.  He’s my bestie in the entire world.  I haven’t been able to find him for hours.  What’s a dog to do?  I can’t sleep without him.  Can you help me find him?  Signed Lost Ducky

Dear Lost Ducky,  Uuumm.  Smile really BIG and open your mouth.  Did anything fall out?  There you go.  Lost ducky found my friend.  You two make a great team.  Go Ya’ll!

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Dear Bacon,  Can you please explain to us WHY there is *always* a longer line at the women’s restrooms.  We don’t get it.  We always have to wait while the men’s line seems to keep moving.  Can you help us out?  Signed Waiting Patiently but With Legs Crossed

Dear Waiting Patiently but With Legs Crossed,  That is a dilemma my friends.  I hear my mom talking about this all of the time.  She says it’s because women have more to do.  Not in a bad way, but ya’ll do.  That’s what makes ya’ll special.  Might I suggest when no one is looking, run to the men’s room.  Hey, if there’s no line there, why wait, right? And remember – ya’ll are beautiful!

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Dear Bacon,  Really?  Why does my humans think this picture is hilarious?  They couldn’t stop laughing.  I don’t get it.  I saw this paci thingy fall from the smaller human so I bit it to see what it is all about.  Then my humans started laughing and snapped this picture.  I don’t get it.  This stupid paci does nothing for me like it does the small crying human.  Signed Pugneck

Dear Pugneck,  Wait a minute my friend.  I need to put down my paper sack that was breathing in after seeing that picture.  So let me understand this.  You’re okay with the picture being taken.  You’re confusion falls into what exactly the paci thingy does for the crying miniature human.  Good one.  Yep, that’s where your concern should be.  You see, small miniature humans depend on those things to calm them.  It may not have that effect on say – the likes of you.  But on the other paw, it does amuse and “calm” humans to see you trying it out…. heck, it amuses me for that matter too my friend. Snorts.

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 Dear Bacon, There I was sitting on the sofa, enjoying my cup of java, fresh out of the shower and watching Maury Povich on the television.  I was minding my own business.  Then walks in the cable guy and snaps this picture of me on his cell phone.  WTD?!  Don’t we have any privacy in our own home anymore?  Next thing I knew, the cable man had tweeted this out to all his friends.  Talk about an invasion of privacy.  The nerve!  Signed Dog of Leisure

Dear Dog of Leisure, WOW – the cable man got to your house that early?  That in itself is amazing brother.  I can’t believe that.  A cable man that actually shows up FIRST thing in the morning?  WOW – I’m amazed at that.  It took the cable man two weeks and four hours to show up here at the Hotel Thompson for our last upgrade.  Astonishing.  Oh, I’m sorry.  You had a problem about the picture being tweeted.  Here’s what you do.  Under the tweet, tweet that the cable man actually showed up FIRST thing in the morning.  He’ll be trashed by other cable men for letting them down in his accuracy.  You just wait – stay strong and carry on!

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Dear Bacon,  my humans will suffer the consequences of this get up on me.  The disgust.  The nerve.  The humiliation.  Oh dear Lord, help me out buddy.  Signed Not Amused

Dear Not Amused,  Well at least it has your seal of not being amused – snorts.  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t joke in a time like this.  I would clap for your approval but I don’t think you could do that for me.  I gotta ask though.  Is there a drop pouch for potty breaks?  If not, someone is going to have some cleaning up on aisle three to do – double snorts.  Hey, I’m joking.  I’m sorry little buddy.  You do look cute though.  Not many pooches could carry that one.  Wear it with pride.  That’s it.  And hey, if the seal isn’t broken, don’t fix it.

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon,
You’ve caught us.  This is what we do when the humans aren’t looking.  ssshh – kind of keep it to yourself okay.  You’re welcomed to join us anytime – just bring your lightsaber.  Signed Squirrel Wars

Dear Squirrel Wars,

Hey – I’m in!  This looks like fun.  Party in the back of the Hotel Thompson this weekend.  I’ll call Journalist Rocky the Squirrel to get the invites out.  Thanks my friends!

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Dear Bacon,
Part of fitting in is the disguise.  I’ve been hanging out on the pier now for two whole days and no one has noticed me.  I think it’s the hat – maybe the fishing rod.  So I now know the answer to life’s greatest problem – blend in with the humans.  What do you think?  You want me to get you a rod and hat to come out with me?  Signed BirdGilligan

Dear BirdGilligan,

WOW!  I’m glad you told me who you were, I would have never guessed it!  You do blend in so well.  I’m wondering if I wore that outfit would humans ever think it was me?  How about I try to meet you soon and we can test that theory?  But first of all, I have to ask.  Can you lift 45 pounds?  Because if the humans catch on, you gotta get me out of there before they start looking at you as a two piece and me as bar-be-que.  Shivers.

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Dear Bacon,
I’m in the police academy trying out for a police officer.  I think I have the gun stance down.  You think?  Why don’t you come join me?  I’ve heard it runs in your family and perhaps someone in the family can put in a good word for us?  Signed Stop or I’ll Shoot

Dear Stop or I’ll Shoot,

That is a good stance.  I’m impressed.  I don’t think that I’m ‘police officer’ material in that way though.  My hooves – well they just get in the way when I try to hold some heat.  I’m more of a Pig9… you know something like a K9 but with me, an oinker.  With this snout, I think I can be trained to smell out all of the bad things out there.  But hey, what if we were partners?  You the bad cop and me the good cop – raises eyebrows.  That would work partner!

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Dear Bacon,
HELP!  There’s something on my noise and I can’t see it.  It tickles.  Hurry, what is it?  Is it dangerous?!  Signed Crossed Eyes

Dear Crossed Eyes,

Snort giggles.  Never fear my purr friend.  It’s just a lady bug.  They are good luck.  I think she likes you.  Maybe be nice to her and make a new friend.  There’s nothing to harm you little guy.

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Dear Bacon,

I think me and my friend are twins!  We both have some of the same characteristics – you know like being devious and mischievous – purr laugh.  I think it’s the constant smile that pulls the humans into our lives.  There’s only one small, tiny, little difference.  My friend can reshape his body to frighten peeps.  I can almost do that… not the way he does but I’m learning.  Signed Cheshire in Training

Dear Cheshire in Training,

WOW – I almost couldn’t tell the difference between you two.  That smile – it’s almost identical my friend.  Perhaps you can play his stunt double in real life?  That’s always an idea.  Just think of the fame and fortune you would have.  Carry on my friend and keep smiling.