Plastic Surgery

 

Dear Chloe – Special Edition

This week we have a great special edition of Dear Bacon.  This week my friend Chloe is stepping in to help me out.   Be sure to check out Chloe’s blog and tell her what a wonderful job she did this week.  I’m telling you – that cow has skills!  Snorts

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Dear Chloe,
HELP! The human thinks it is funny to dress me in between two buns. I feel the need to eat my way out. Can you help a chick out? What can I do? Signed NOT a Chicken Sandwich

Dear NOT a Chicken Sandwich,  I promise I am not trying to lecture you, but have you ever heard something about the color of grass, depending on which side of the fence you are on (I hope that’s not just a cow phrase)? This might be one of those cases…I don’t think they are looking at this as clothing; merely a blanket…cuz you are cold without all your official feathers. So nestle in, little chickie, and enjoy the love.

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Dear Chloe,
The master of the house doesn’t believe me but I got it on film finally! This is how my brother treats me when no one is looking. He’s such a bully. Can you help me out? Signed Tongue Twister.

Dear Tongue Twister,  Eeek! I can tell by the look on your face that your brother’s actions really hurt you. Three words, Twister. Ghost Pepper Powder (ghostpepper.com). Because I can tell you are sensitive, retreat to backyard after you pop some on that outstretched tongue; you don’t want to witness his pain learning curve. I did this once to my sister and we had no further problems. Best thing? She couldn’t tell on me without hanging herself in the process. #ThePerfectCrime

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Dear Chloe,
Did someone say pool time? I’m ready. Went to the pool and the other animals here at Old McDonalds farm said I couldn’t get in. Stomps hooves – why can’t I? Signed Horse Dive

Dear Horse Dive,  You certainly look geared up with all the proper safety equipment! I am flummoxed as to why you wouldn’t be allowed in? It must be one of two reasons. 1) The rules of physics aren’t conducive–the size of the pool must exceed the size of your rear or 2) You have behaved like a donkey. Donkeys are never ever ever allowed in pools, even if the physics work out. Cows, however, always get in.  ;oP

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Dear Chloe,
I think I’ve been had by the stupid dog again. The dog told me there was something good on top of the stove in the pot. I checked. There was nothing. Do you think the dog set me up? Signed Boiling Cat

Dear Boiling Cat,  Uuuum. I don’t even know where to start. You are oh-so-cute, but you have GOT to stop trusting that dog. I would dare say, do the opposite of what he says as a general rule. Also? If he tells you he has Ocean-front property in Arizona, PLEASE tell him you’ve heard that song, already. Please. In fact, if he ever wants you to fork over your allowance or savings, let me know BEFORE your money leaves your precious paw! One last thing, you adorable cuss, you? Move, quick! That nasty smell is called burning hair and it’s YOURS!

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Dear Chloe,
There I was floating on the water minding my own business when this bird thought he was going to pick on me. What he didn’t know was that my mom was underneath me. Ha. That’ll teach him. Have you ever had these problems when you were small? Signed Tiny but Dangerous

Dear Tiny but Dangerous,  Woah! That is one clever trick. I ALMOST feel bad for the bird. Almost. I look at you and wonder exactly at what point you turn from a cutsie little thing to that monster you are riding on? When I was small, my mom did not let me ride on her back (I was not nearly as cute as you!). She did, however, teach me not to eat the rocks, which is probably just as valuable for a cow.

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Thank you so much my friend Chloe!  

REMEMBER friends we can’t have a Dear Bacon issue without YOU.  Please continue to send me your pictures and questions at baconthompson@gmail.com

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon,
Hey, I’m just trying to help out here around the house. The humans said I don’t pull my weight. That’s all I’m doing – trying to help out with the everyday chores. I thought I would help out with dinner. I’m sure it will taste like chicken – evil bark. Signed Chef Boy Ring Dog

Dear Chef Boy Ring Dog,

Step away from the stove my friend. Purr things are not made for eating. They are made for loving. Trust me, they do not taste like chicken. I’ve licked our purr things here at the Hotel Thompson. They taste nothing like chicken. Not even good. You don’t want any of that. Go find you some kibbles. Now that’s a meal.

 

Dear Bacon,
I know you have a lot of horsey friends. Can I be your friend to? I think we have some similar markings. I’m hoping that you can help me out with a problem I have. Am I a black horse with white spots or am I a white horse with black spots? Signed Confucius Spots

Dear Confucius Spots,

I would love to be your friend! I’m so touched that you asked. As for your problem. Does it really matter? All that *does* matter is that you know you are beautiful either way. I mean that from the heart – You are stunning – just stunning my new friend.

 

Dear Bacon,
What can I say, I’m a thrill seeker. Anything to get my heart pumping, I just LOVE to do. I know it drives Old McDonald over the edge here at the farm. I can’t help it though. Don’t you just love the excitement? Signed Evil Cowknivel

Dear Evil Cowknivel,

My friend, there is excitement and then there is excitement. Personally, I find it exciting just walking to the front room from my bedroom without getting the wrath of Hemi slapping my hind quarters. But, each to their own ways. Try not to give Old McDonald a heart attack in some of your activities. And heck, if you are going to take a risk, start charging admission so at least you can help the farm out. You know? Carry on my friend.

 

Dear Bacon,
I’m trying to ‘bulk’ up. My friends say I’m skinny and scrawny. Do you think it’s working? Signed Squirt

Dear Squirt,

Oh little guy, give it some time. You will grow into all of that fur. You don’t need to lift weights to do that. And tell your friends to quit bullying you. There is no room for bullying in this time and age – NONE WHATSOEVER. You are just fine the way you are.

 

Dear Bacon,

Who says that skateboarding is just for guys and the humans. If I want to burn the roads up, why can’t I? Everyone says it’s just a guy sport. Why? Who makes up these rules? Chicks rule – we should make up the rules, right? Signed Atonia Hawk

Dear Atonia Hawk,

I’m not arguing with that, really I’m not. I’ve seen my human mom do some amazing guy things. I say if you are good at, then practice makes perfect. Don’t take any flack – show them whatcha got my furry friend!

 

 

Remember Friends – Keep sending your pictures/questions to me at Baconthompson@gmail.com

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon,
I hate baths. My humans think I need one every once in a while. I don’t. I mean why? I’ll just get dirty again, right? What can I do to change their minds? Signed On The Edge

Dear On The Edge,
Have you really tried to enjoy one my friend? It looks like your humans went all out and even put bubbles in the water. It even looks like a great tub my friend. I bet the water was even nice and warm. I myself love me a nice long bath. Especially when mom puts treats in the water. Maybe your humans need to try that? Suggest it and see how you feel then.

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Dear Bacon,
All my life, I’ve been slow. Let me change that. I’ve been slower than slow… If that’s even a speed! People have been making jokes about me for years. But nowadays, watch out. I got some wheels and there I zoomed by. They catch me these days riding dirty. Have you ever thought about riding? Signed Slow and Steady

Dear Slow and Steady,
You look good. You really do. Just be safe. Me on a bike? Snort – you have to be kidding. Bikes don’t have doors. I’ve got to protect this work of art. The closest I get to a cycle is moms Smart car. Snort LOL. Ride on my friend.

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Dear Bacon,
I love leather. I love the feel of it against my fur. Can you be honest and tell me if this jacket gives me chicken legs? Signed Biker Chick

Dear Biker CHICK,
So your question is does your leather jacket make you “look” like you have chicken legs? Now that’s a good questions. No, not at all. Your jacket doesn’t give that appearance at all. I think that diamond necklace draws attention to that gorgeous face of yours. Walking off shaking head laughing.

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Dear Bacon,
Hee hee. You’re always talking about those purr things that you love with on your page. I thought I would share a picture of what I do to my purr things. Laughing. I hide around corners until they walk by me. I think my purr thing only has maybe two life’s left. Rolling around laughing. Signed Gotcha

Dear Gotcha,
I have to admit that this is a good one. I will be saving it for future reference… I mean future not to do. Yeah, that’s it. Thanks my friend.

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Dear Bacon,
Have you ever played patty cake? Me and my dears have a great time playing this during the day. It makes the day go by so much faster. We’re getting really good at it. I think that it should be made into an Olympic Game, don’t you? When one of us misses a move, another of our friends jump in to replace them. It’s a hoot! It makes our down season, I mean our life go by so quickly. Signed Reindeer Gamers

Dear Reindeer Gamers,
No. I can’t say that I’ve ever played patty cake. My hooves are kind of oddly shaped. And, I really don’t have that kind of balance with this pot belly if you know what I mean. It gets in the way when I try to ‘stand’. It looks kind of fun though. Perhaps you should video tape it and let it go viral on line at YouTube. Have fun my friends.

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Dear Bacon,
I know you can relate man. You talk about your snout. Heck, look at my snout per say. It’s a sharp situation. No touching noses with this thing my friend. Signed Horny

Dear Horny,
Ouch. You got me on that one. Be safe with that thing my friend.