Paw Time with Houdini

Barks – hello my friends!!  It’s so hard to find good help these days.  My mom – rolls puppy eyes – she may never be caught up again in her life.  She is so slow!  I can’t wait for her to help me with my blog.  So I grabbed the i-pad and Bacon and we got started this week by ourselves.  Bacon has been helping me and giving me lessons.  He’s a good oinker – I don’t care what dad says – barks with puppy laughter.

This week I want to give you my fellow anipals a helpful suggestion. I learned this when mom was down from her surgery and had to stay in the bed.  Often times I would stay with her to make sure she didn’t get out of bed without assistance.  But sometimes a dog has to sleep.  So I did what I thought was amazing.  I took my loudest squeaky toy Mr. Chicken and positioned him in the doorway of the bedroom.  That way if mom tried to get up without me, she would step on Mr. Chicken alerting me to wake up and assist her.  Clever huh?  So that’s my tip this week my friends – position your squeaky toys like little bombs in your  humans bedroom.  They especially love it when they step on them in the middle of the night.  Usually they jump from the squeak.  For an old man, my dad can jump pretty high in the dark.  Just sayin’.  Speaking of dad, he is taking off this week researching new jokes.  Can you believe that?  So this week, I’ll leave you with a mom joke.  You’re going to love this – barks!  Have a great weekend!

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? 

Virgin Mobile – LOL

 

“THE” Phone Call

 

Uh oh.  Mom got the phone call today.   You know the one I’m talking about.  The “If you don’t behave, I’m going to call your mother” phone call.  Mom said I was so good this morning.  I guess I was being pig headed with daddy and pushed him over the edge.  I knew I was getting close, you can always tell.  I heard him calling mom and she heard him telling me, “I’ve got mommy on the phone right now sir.” 

 

 

 

I heard him telling her everything I did.  I admit it.  I did it.  I picked on the purr things.  I got in the purr things food.  I spilled my water.  I moved the rugs.  I might have pulled up the carpet a little bit at my bedroom door.  Dad told me to stop but know I’m a pig.  I get fixated.  I get pigheaded.  I keep going back and doing things.  So dad called mommy at work.  He put her on the phone and she had a little prayer meeting with me.  It’s safe to say that I will be better the rest of the day. 

 

Ha – I Know Where Your Vegetables Are

I know there’s lots of people that don’t eat their vegetables.  But come on kids, they are darn right out tasty.  I eat lots of them – I mean lots.  I eat everything – broccoli, lettuce, carrots, radishes, green beans, brussel sprouts, celery and everything in between.  Vegetables make us grow up nice and strong – and well sexy.  It does your body good to eat them.  So eat up and enjoy – try something new.  You might like it.

But for those of you that don’t know where your vegetables seem to go – I have an answer for you.

 

 

Did You Know?

Well, I learned a new thing yesterday. Did you know that it is frowned upon in this establishment to make hoove marks on the momma to get to your banana treat? Well it certainly is. I was surprised too.

Mom was being oh so generous in giving me a banana before bed time. I don’t get them very often but when I do – shivers they are so fantastic! The little pig in me just got so excited! I couldn’t wait for her to strip the banana and give it to me. She sat on the couch to do this which frankly has to be mom’s fault because she knows food and me have a long and lengthy history. I can’t help myself – I’m a foodie.

So, while she was attempting to unwrap the peel from my banana, I thought I would help her out and crawl up her bare legs to meet her half way. I admit I left some hoove tread marks near her knee area and I might have gotten so excited that I nipped her wrist a little. But really – B.A.N.A.N.A – doesn’t everyone go beserk for them? My mouth is watering right now just thinking about it!

Mom finally got the peel off and threw the banana on the floor. Of course – snicker – dad was laughing like a hyena on the couch at her. He thought we were playing which he should have known better. I don’t play with food.

Afterwards when I was finished and licking my hooves at the deliciousness, mom took me to my bedroom for a little prayer meeting. She explained that although I have a healthy appetite and she can relate to wanting some delicious right in the moment, I can’t attempt to climb up her legs anymore and definitely no nipping. I agree to this and I apologized by giving her snout kisses.

Like she said, all children get in trouble and parents love them regardless of their misbehavior.

 

Help Me Win the Battle

So mom is decorating my room for me.  I’m trying to tell her that I’m not a little piglet anymore.  I’m a pigtween.  I don’t want cute little posters in my room of piglets jumping through a field in the sunlight.  I want vavavoom pictures 🙂  You know which ones I’m talking about.  Sexy girls on the wall.  I have to be a stud when my friends come over and visit.  Mom says absolutely not.  Dad on the other hand said that if I could convince mom then he would be down with it.  So, I need ya’lls help.  Help me convince mom.  I found some naughty – I mean – wickedly good posters for my room.  And yeah, I do have a crush.  ((Of course I just read the magazine for the articles.))

 

Pig Love

You know I’m a great pet.  You doubt this?  See I give unconditional love.  I like to snuggle.  I like to curl up and sleep right beside you so I can feel your heartbeat and heat from your body.  I’ll ‘talk’ to you by doing my little snort chirps.  I like to entertain you by running and making a sound that is a cross between a rooster and a dog bark.  It’s very entertaining.  I’m very gentle and I’ll eat right out of your hands. 

I try to help you clean by following you around like a little puppy.  I try to help you cook by being your sous chef – I love it when food accidently, of course, falls to the floor.  There is no 5 second rule for me – it doesn’t last that long.  I help you with the laundry by rolling around in it to make sure that it is piggy approved when you are trying to fold. 

I wake you up in the morning and I consider myself your alarm clock.  In return, at night, I love it when you leave a snack on my pillow and tuck me in at night. 

And all I ask for in return, is your love.  Why?  Because I love you.

 

Bacon the Alarm Clock

Picture this with me on my little journey.  You’re laying in bed deep in sleep, body all relaxed all snuggled in your blankets drooling… okay that part is me – LOL.  Completely out to the world in your dream state in the darkness.  No worries in the world.  Then you hear it –

STOMP – STOMP – STOMP.  I’m in my night time crate and I’m jumping up and down calling my mommy – “FEED ME MOMMY” – I’M STARVING!  And on top of all of the STOMPING, you also hear

 OINK OINK OINK – SNORT SNORT SNORT – STOMP STOMP STOMP. 

You wake up startled and alert.  It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been doing this – it still surprises you and you jump sitting straight up in bed shaking your head.  Yeah, I think of this a daily service to you since you have to get up for work anyway.  During the week – I’m very precise.  I start my procedure right at 6:30AM.  At least on the weekend I’ll give you until 7:30-8:00AM 🙂

And not only am I doing you a service by being your alarm clock, look at it like this.  I’m just calling my mommy like I did my birth mother.  And  you know I’m an early morning lover.  After breakfast of pig pellets and cheerios (I have to watch my cholesterol), I like to snuggle wuggle.  I’m the sweetest during this time.

So if you need an alarm clock of my caliber, I can be rented out – snort 🙂  I gotta make mom some money so she can keep me accustomed to my way of living. 

 

Alarms – I Laugh at You

Why does mommy need any alarms when she has me? That is the question she keeps asking herself out loud these days. Ha ha – I guess I can be a little vocal some times. Mommy calls it being her little alarm. I know what time she has to be up during the week. I just squeal until she hears me – giggles. I mean, I’m just trying to keep her on schedule. Squealing loud enough, I know she’ll come check things out. Of course, mommy told me last might I was being pig headed. I just told her she was human headed – snort.
Last night when mom had me out running, I actually jumped on the couch to her. Who says piglets can’t jump? I just wanted her to hold me.
Mom says I’m continuing to grow like kudzu. My snout is getting bigger and stronger. My little snout is awesome. I can get into so many things with it. Last night, mom had my piggy gate up in the kitchen. It wasn’t locked down, it was just opened across to block me. Mommy was in the kitchen and I wanted to be in there. When she wasn’t looking, I picked the gate up with my little snout and snuck in. Smile – I found the cat food! Mommy should have known better to my piggy powers. Boy, she sure was surprised when she turned around. She calls me her little Houdini. Not sure what that means.
I trained mom some more last night for some cheerios. She’s coming right along – snort.
Well, let me go get some loving from mom before she goes to work. I see her empty lap in my room. Oink oink.