Dear Bacon

 Dear Bacon,  HELP!  I lost my favorite squeaky ducky.  I ❤ that ducky.  He’s my bestie in the entire world.  I haven’t been able to find him for hours.  What’s a dog to do?  I can’t sleep without him.  Can you help me find him?  Signed Lost Ducky

Dear Lost Ducky,  Uuumm.  Smile really BIG and open your mouth.  Did anything fall out?  There you go.  Lost ducky found my friend.  You two make a great team.  Go Ya’ll!

---

 

Dear Bacon,  Can you please explain to us WHY there is *always* a longer line at the women’s restrooms.  We don’t get it.  We always have to wait while the men’s line seems to keep moving.  Can you help us out?  Signed Waiting Patiently but With Legs Crossed

Dear Waiting Patiently but With Legs Crossed,  That is a dilemma my friends.  I hear my mom talking about this all of the time.  She says it’s because women have more to do.  Not in a bad way, but ya’ll do.  That’s what makes ya’ll special.  Might I suggest when no one is looking, run to the men’s room.  Hey, if there’s no line there, why wait, right? And remember – ya’ll are beautiful!

---

Dear Bacon,  Really?  Why does my humans think this picture is hilarious?  They couldn’t stop laughing.  I don’t get it.  I saw this paci thingy fall from the smaller human so I bit it to see what it is all about.  Then my humans started laughing and snapped this picture.  I don’t get it.  This stupid paci does nothing for me like it does the small crying human.  Signed Pugneck

Dear Pugneck,  Wait a minute my friend.  I need to put down my paper sack that was breathing in after seeing that picture.  So let me understand this.  You’re okay with the picture being taken.  You’re confusion falls into what exactly the paci thingy does for the crying miniature human.  Good one.  Yep, that’s where your concern should be.  You see, small miniature humans depend on those things to calm them.  It may not have that effect on say – the likes of you.  But on the other paw, it does amuse and “calm” humans to see you trying it out…. heck, it amuses me for that matter too my friend. Snorts.

---

 Dear Bacon, There I was sitting on the sofa, enjoying my cup of java, fresh out of the shower and watching Maury Povich on the television.  I was minding my own business.  Then walks in the cable guy and snaps this picture of me on his cell phone.  WTD?!  Don’t we have any privacy in our own home anymore?  Next thing I knew, the cable man had tweeted this out to all his friends.  Talk about an invasion of privacy.  The nerve!  Signed Dog of Leisure

Dear Dog of Leisure, WOW – the cable man got to your house that early?  That in itself is amazing brother.  I can’t believe that.  A cable man that actually shows up FIRST thing in the morning?  WOW – I’m amazed at that.  It took the cable man two weeks and four hours to show up here at the Hotel Thompson for our last upgrade.  Astonishing.  Oh, I’m sorry.  You had a problem about the picture being tweeted.  Here’s what you do.  Under the tweet, tweet that the cable man actually showed up FIRST thing in the morning.  He’ll be trashed by other cable men for letting them down in his accuracy.  You just wait – stay strong and carry on!

---

Dear Bacon,  my humans will suffer the consequences of this get up on me.  The disgust.  The nerve.  The humiliation.  Oh dear Lord, help me out buddy.  Signed Not Amused

Dear Not Amused,  Well at least it has your seal of not being amused – snorts.  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t joke in a time like this.  I would clap for your approval but I don’t think you could do that for me.  I gotta ask though.  Is there a drop pouch for potty breaks?  If not, someone is going to have some cleaning up on aisle three to do – double snorts.  Hey, I’m joking.  I’m sorry little buddy.  You do look cute though.  Not many pooches could carry that one.  Wear it with pride.  That’s it.  And hey, if the seal isn’t broken, don’t fix it.

 

National Dog Day

Journalist Rocky the Squirrel here –

Keeping my paws on the nuts of the world!

What a great day to celebrate – National Dog Day!  Today’s celebration has two goals:  * To honor our glorious friends the dogs AND * To rescue dogs from homeless shelters and abuse

Dogs are loyal and great companions to so many people.  They give us unquestionable love and are always there to cheer you up.  They offer free kisses (like Houdini here at the Hotel Thompson).  Humans and other anipals count on them in so many different ways.  There are dogs that are pets.  There are dogs that are working dogs – like those that help lead the blind and help in search and rescue.  Regardless of what type of dog you are, most humans count you as family.

Today, let’s celebrate the dog in your family.  If you don’t have a dog in your family, visit a friend that has one.  Or for that matter, why don’t you visit a shelter and visit with a dog there… maybe even take one home with you 🙂

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon,
You’ve caught us.  This is what we do when the humans aren’t looking.  ssshh – kind of keep it to yourself okay.  You’re welcomed to join us anytime – just bring your lightsaber.  Signed Squirrel Wars

Dear Squirrel Wars,

Hey – I’m in!  This looks like fun.  Party in the back of the Hotel Thompson this weekend.  I’ll call Journalist Rocky the Squirrel to get the invites out.  Thanks my friends!

---

Dear Bacon,
Part of fitting in is the disguise.  I’ve been hanging out on the pier now for two whole days and no one has noticed me.  I think it’s the hat – maybe the fishing rod.  So I now know the answer to life’s greatest problem – blend in with the humans.  What do you think?  You want me to get you a rod and hat to come out with me?  Signed BirdGilligan

Dear BirdGilligan,

WOW!  I’m glad you told me who you were, I would have never guessed it!  You do blend in so well.  I’m wondering if I wore that outfit would humans ever think it was me?  How about I try to meet you soon and we can test that theory?  But first of all, I have to ask.  Can you lift 45 pounds?  Because if the humans catch on, you gotta get me out of there before they start looking at you as a two piece and me as bar-be-que.  Shivers.

---

Dear Bacon,
I’m in the police academy trying out for a police officer.  I think I have the gun stance down.  You think?  Why don’t you come join me?  I’ve heard it runs in your family and perhaps someone in the family can put in a good word for us?  Signed Stop or I’ll Shoot

Dear Stop or I’ll Shoot,

That is a good stance.  I’m impressed.  I don’t think that I’m ‘police officer’ material in that way though.  My hooves – well they just get in the way when I try to hold some heat.  I’m more of a Pig9… you know something like a K9 but with me, an oinker.  With this snout, I think I can be trained to smell out all of the bad things out there.  But hey, what if we were partners?  You the bad cop and me the good cop – raises eyebrows.  That would work partner!

---

Dear Bacon,
HELP!  There’s something on my noise and I can’t see it.  It tickles.  Hurry, what is it?  Is it dangerous?!  Signed Crossed Eyes

Dear Crossed Eyes,

Snort giggles.  Never fear my purr friend.  It’s just a lady bug.  They are good luck.  I think she likes you.  Maybe be nice to her and make a new friend.  There’s nothing to harm you little guy.

---

.

Dear Bacon,

I think me and my friend are twins!  We both have some of the same characteristics – you know like being devious and mischievous – purr laugh.  I think it’s the constant smile that pulls the humans into our lives.  There’s only one small, tiny, little difference.  My friend can reshape his body to frighten peeps.  I can almost do that… not the way he does but I’m learning.  Signed Cheshire in Training

Dear Cheshire in Training,

WOW – I almost couldn’t tell the difference between you two.  That smile – it’s almost identical my friend.  Perhaps you can play his stunt double in real life?  That’s always an idea.  Just think of the fame and fortune you would have.  Carry on my friend and keep smiling.

 

Sunday Brunch

Daddy is the best.  Yesterday morning, he was craving what he kept referring to as pancakes.  Mom ventured into the kitchen to make magic.  You know I followed.  Mom was humming and beating things together in a pan.  I’m not sure if the humming was on the recipe but it amused me.  Once she got together what she called ‘batter’, she started putting it in a pan.  Oh thud – the smell that was in the kitchen was out of this world.  I kept bugging her for some to taste.  I would go up behind her and nudge the bottom of her foot with my snout.  She kept laughing and said I had to wait.  Wait?  You’re telling a pig to wait?  That’s like telling Mother Nature not to change the seasons – it’s going to happen. 

I saw dad’s plate that she was fixing.  Oh my – there was these clouds of wonder stacking to the sky.  I kept sniffing the air.  I wanted some so bad.  Mom fixed her plate and then she fixed mine.  See how creative she got with a little smiley face for me on my Sesame Street plate.  I thought I was going to explode if she didn’t give it to me soon!

She finally put it on my feed blanket.  Stars almighty!  I went for the so called ‘pancake’ first.  It was fluffy.  It was buttery.  It was light.  And, it was delicious!  I managed to get a couple of more from mom and dad before they started eating.  Dad called mom a Domestic Kitchen Goddess…. I already knew she was.  He suggested that we have pancakes for Sunday brunch every week.  I seconded that idea! 

 

Happy Friday!

We made it through another week!

Who else thought this week would never end?  I for one didn’t think it would.  Mommy has been dragging all week saying she was tired.  I can’t have that.  I need mommy fully rested so she can have snuggle time with me.  Is that so wrong?  🙂

August is here and hopefully all of this heat will be coming to an end soon.  Mommy says if we can make it through August, then it’s down hill from there.  I hope so because this little oinker is not very fond of the heat.  Once it goes away, I may try to venture outside again.  Right now – eeww – it’s too hot for anything but staying inside near the air conditioning.

Do you have any great plans this weekend?  Mine is to help mommy clean house tomorrow and then hopefully we can have our snuggle time.  I hope cleaning goes fast!  She’s giving us all our honey do lists.  I got my room again and laundry.  That means I have to pull all of my dirty ‘stuff’ to the laundry room.  I would complain but the rent is free here 🙂  Plus, I get perks… who doesn’t like perks, right?

Everyone have a great weekend and do something fun.  XOXO – Bacon

 

National Tell a Joke Day

Journalist Rocky the Squirrel here – 

Keeping my paws on the nuts of the world!

.

Today, August 16th, is National Tell a Joke Day.  YAY!  Today should be filled with chuckles and laughs all around.  Participate in this laughable day and tell some jokes.  Do it in person, pass it along in a few emails or blog about it.  The more jokes you tell today, the more fun today will be.  Start the laughter and keep it flowing.

In honor of this day, Bacon has decided to tell a few jokes that he has heard.  Get ready to laugh friends.

Joke 1 –

One of my neighbors owns several cats.  On a recent visit, she introduced them to me.  “That’s Astrophe, that’s Erpillar, that’s Aract and that’s Alogue.”

“Where on earth did you get such unusual names?” I asked

“Oh, those are their last names,” she explained.  “Their first names are Cat.”

Joke 2 –

Why are sharks mostly salt water creatures?

    –  Because pepper would make them sneeze.

 

Joke 3 –

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

    –  Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.

Joke 4 –

What do you get when you cross a flower and a dog?

    – A Collieflower (cauliflower) – snorts

 

Travels in the South

Sometimes it’s hard to get out for a quick dinner especially when one is saving money.  But this night, mom/dad found the perfect place.  It was the Sam’s Warehouse – snorts with piggy laughter.  Daddy went in and asked for a table for two – rolls piggy eyes.  He’s the romantic isn’t he?

Well mom enjoyed her fine dining experience.  They got hot dogs with the works.  By the works I mean sauerkraut, onions and mustard.  Dad also went the extra mile with a bag of chips.  Now you are probably asking yourself was this really awesome?  Nods head.  Mom said YES.  For a whopping $5.00 – they had dinner for two.  Big spenders huh?

 

Dear Bacon

Dear Bacon,
They say that we can all stand on our heads. I don’t know. I think I may be vertically challenged or maybe my head is not flat enough. I just can’t seem to be able to do it all the way with my back legs straight up. It throws me off balance. Can you do it? Signed Not Happening

Dear Not Happening,
Never dear friend. Sometimes we are just not built to do these weird things that you see the humans partake. I can’t stand on my head. This pot belly of mine knocks me off center every time. And my mom, even though she’s human, she can’t do it either. Don’t try to be like everyone else. Make your own path and be happy – leave the sitting to your bottom.

---

Dear Bacon,
There’s always that one idiot that has to pop in your picture. Can you relate? I was minding my own business in this shot. I just wanted it to look halfway decent to post on my Pet Harmony dating profile. Signed Available

Dear Available,
Yep. I know exactly what you are talking about. Hemi, the purr thing here at the Hotel Thompson, thinks he should be in every camera shot. He is always photo bombing my pictures. Just keep smiling. Pay back can really be tortuous for our sidekicks. Right? Maybe sign up your friend as well on Pet Harmony and post his picture – of course with your picture cropped out. Snort giggles.

---

Dear Bacon,
It’s a wonderful thing to have such great friends. Out in the pasture, sometimes I just get tuckered out. That’s my good buddy will help me out and let me take a nap. Isn’t that nice of him? Signed Sleepy on the Road

Dear Sleepy on the Road,
That is an excellent friend. I can’t say that I’ve ever seen that kind of friendship before. You are most definitely one lucky little guy!

---

Dear Bacon,
I coach a soccer team on the weekends. We are always looking for a few new team players. You ever think about playing? I’ve heard that snout of yours can be classified as a deadly weapon.

We could use a player like you. What do you say? Signed Coach Jones of Team Anipals

Dear Coach Jones of Team Anipals,

That sounds like a great deal of fun. I’m In to give it a shot. This snout is very wicked and these hooves are very fast!!

---

Dear Bacon,
I think I need some anti wrinkle cream. Every time I wake up, I have more wrinkles! Soon, you’ll just see one giant sloppy dog. What can a pooch do? Please help. Signed Wrinkles

Dear Wrinkles,
As Lady Gaga once said, “Just put your paws up, Cause you were born this way, baby”. Embrace the way you are and don’t try to fight it my friend. Be happy in your own wrinkles.

 

 

Moral of the Story

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. He was so pleased with his donkey that he entered it a 2nd time and it won again. The local paper read: “PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.” The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: “BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTORS ASS.” This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, upon hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: “NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.” The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: “NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.” This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the nun to buy back her donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:”NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.”

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is – being concerned about public opinion can bring you grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life..  You’ll be a lot happier and live longer.

 

What Does a Pig Yawning Look Like?

I *know* that this is the question you ask yourself on a daily basis – snorts.  Today I’m here to make that question come true.  I’m going to show you what it looks like when a pig – namely moi – yawns.  Yes I yawn.  I get tired too.  Hey, it’s hard work maintaining this pot belly and this establishment here at the Hotel Thompson.  Okay, without further ado, here you go.  A picture of me yawning.

Notice the technique.  Yes there is a technique my friends.  In this picture, I’m on the sofa with mommy watching television.  I have to stretch my front hooves.  Then my nose goes up, my tongue comes out a little and I yawn.  See, I also have a tongue.  Some people have questioned that – snorts.  And in this picture, you might see a little tooth.  Trust me.  There are more than one.  Please excuse the extra jowls – it’s too hot these days to exercise… except for my jaws when I’m eating – double snorts.  

So there you go.  Now you’ve seen everything… a pig yawning 🙂  You’re welcome.  Have a fabulous day my friends! ❤