Friends – friends – friends. I’m shaking my piggy head. It was quite the weekend here at the Hotel Thompson. OMPH (oh my piggy heavens)! My mom – sometimes there is just no help for her. Really. I’m not exaggerating. Really I’m not. You see she is feeling so much better. Her cough is almost completely gone as well as the bruises she got in the emergency room from her IV’s a couple of weeks ago. She has energy and strength. I’m telling you all of this to set you up for what happened. Wait for it – you won’t regret it I assure you.
You see mom also signs up for this business that send her different products to try out. It’s all free of charge. She tries the products out, writes up some reviews on if she liked/didn’t like it, etc. Well she got one in the mail a couple of weeks ago for a waxing product. Now guys and fellow anipals, waxing products are to remove hair. Spring is coming up and mom says it was time for the Spring Harvest. You see where I’m going with this now? Snorts and rolls with piggy laughter.
On Saturday’s mom and dad go out for their hot date – oohhh. So mom decided that Saturday morning she was going into the bathroom with her product, the instructions and a glass of wine. Something about doing her legs. I’m looking down at my legs and I think personally they look wonderful with hair. Don’t you agree as well? These humans are weird. Okay I admit these hairy legs aren’t my mom but hers are not that bad. Probably about the same. She says it’s something about being winter and wearing long pants that no one sees. Shakes head – I don’t understand that.
So we all hung out in the living room watching television. Then we heard some bumps. Then we heard some grunts. Then we heard, “You got to be kidding”. Then we heard the door open and she called for daddy. Then daddy went to the bathroom, went to the kitchen and returned with more wine. Then we heard four lettered cuss words. Then we heard a loud bang. You see I’m telling you all of this from OUR point of view. After a while, mom came out stomping and cussing – bottle of wine in hand (I’m not sure what happened to the glass) and disappeared into her room to do her ‘write-up’ she called it. I snuck in her bedroom later when her and dad went out and copied this off of her computer. Oh dear piggy heavens – I’ll take my hairy legs any day!
Dear XYZ Company,
In a word, NO. NO I don’t recommend your product. NO I would never, absolutely never use it again. I can not recommend it. I will not recommend it. Why do you ask? Because I know you want details, so here you go.
I’ve been sick lately and I’ll give you that the instructions said to make sure the hair was grown out enough to see. Check I have that down pact. People get waxing professionally done all of the time – I’m a big girl. I can do this! I took a glass of wine into the bathroom, got as comfortable as humanly possible on the porcelain throne and read further. It stated to take the stick swish it through the gel in the bottle and to slowly spread in an even pattern small enough where you could then apply the wipe. Seemed safe enough.
Sip of wine for encouragement. Stirred the product with the stick. Then proceeded to spread the product on my leg in a place in the front lower portion. Something I could ‘try’ out at first. It spread smoothly – like butter. I thought so far so good, I’ll go ahead and do a small part on the other leg. Then I took a ‘wipe’ smoothed in on top of first leg and slowly stroked back and forth until even. Once done, I did the other leg in the same way.
I felt pretty proud of myself. I took another sip of the wine. I then read further in the instructions. “Hold down one corner and in a quick fashion, pull towards you.” Uumm… WTF? Basically your telling me to rip off the bandaid. This may be a problem. I didn’t think about the pain level.
I took another sip of the wine and finished the glass. So there I was stuck on the throne with two evil ‘wipes’ on both legs tossing around the possibilities of what to do. You know those white wipes really wouldn’t be noticed if I left them there. I almost look as white as them. Then I thought about fungus growing up under them with the ‘product’. I decided to call in for back up.
Once the hub unit brought me the entire bottle of wine, I forwent the glass and just chugged out of the bottle. It’s now or never I thought. I picked up the corner of leg A, held down the bottom part of my leg and just ripped. That’s right I said ripped. Ripped because that’s what if felt like I was doing – ripping my entire leg’s first layer of epidermis away. Holy hell! Are you guys kidding me? Hobbling on one leg, bouncing around and praying to the Gods above to just come and take me right there. I took another swig of wine and that’s when I lost my balance falling into the bathtub hitting my head.
I didn’t even care! Mr. Grim Reaper could come for me now because I was so close to death. In fact, then again he might not want to mess with me because I’m in so much pain. I looked down at my other leg. Oh dear God, what have I done? I actually cried at the pain which was worse than pulling fingernails off of my hand.
There was only one choice to make. Rip the other one off, get over the pain, get MORE wine and never, absolutely NEVER EVER use waxing products again. Do you understand what I’m saying? If you EVER send me another waxing product, you will know first hand what it’s like because I will do your leg whether you are man or woman. Capice?
03/02/2015 at 4:47 am
hahahahahaha… sorry for your mom’s pain, butt that’s exactly what happened in my crib. my mom just used the waxing stripes on a different area… and she wasn’t able to rip it off, because on a pain level scala from 1 to 10 that procedere deserved a full 100! she called my dad, said he should do it, butt he said No! no way… the unhappy grizzly spent 45 minutes in a humblingly pose, before she tried to remove the wax with hot water….a mission impawsible… her undies felt like glued on her for days… I specially felt sorry for my dad, it’s darned hard NOT to laugh… because to laugh at a grizzly is life-endangering :o)
03/02/2015 at 11:24 am
Snorts. I don’t get it brother. Why do our moms feel the need to get rid of their hair? We love our hair. I don’t get it. And your dad wouldn’t do it? Good man. My would have. He would have told mom he was counting to 3 but ripped it at 2. He’s stupid like that. Snorts and rolls with laughter. XOXO – Bacon
03/02/2015 at 11:38 am
bro… that is the perfect recipe, I agree.. or to wait some minutes after 3 and do it suddenly :o) but sadly this time it was a grizzly what begged for pains… so my dad rather enjoyed the 45 minutes of embarrassment hahahahaha
03/02/2015 at 6:26 am
Ha! I’m liking the furs on my legs more and more after reading this. I guess that company won’t have to worry about your mom’s honesty. Mission accomplished there…..
Love and licks,
03/02/2015 at 11:25 am
You think? I hope they got the message loud and clear. I should have video taped it Saturday. Oh dear. Oh that reminds me. I need to add wine to mom’s grocery list – snorts. XOXO – Bacon
03/02/2015 at 7:09 am
I tried waxing ONCE…….only ONCE…….never ever ever ever ever again! Chalk it up to “lessons learned” and go back to the tried and true razor – OR, live with fuzzy legs!
03/02/2015 at 11:27 am
AMEN Cousin. But you know what does work? Go ahead ask me. Are you asking? Mom did a write up a couple of months ago on a Nair product. You put the lotion on your skin (sounds like a movie huh?). After you get it on, you can then jump in the shower to do your business. All you have to do when ready is take the spongy thing or a wash cloth and gently rub off all fur. It works! No pain. No mess cause you’re in the shower. What doesn’t come off, you can pull off from your legs. It’s magic! XOXO – Bacon
P.S. They got a brilliant glowing write up. from mom
03/02/2015 at 8:29 am
ouchie! My mummy is not a fan of waxing either
03/02/2015 at 11:27 am
Waxing should be outlawed… or used on someone to gain national secrets. I know my mommy would have talked. XOXO – Bacon
03/02/2015 at 9:08 am
Wax on is easy. Wax off…. well…
03/02/2015 at 11:28 am
Snorts and rolls with laughter. I don’t think we ever have to worry about another ‘waxing’ product coming through the doors of the Hotel Thompson evah! XOXO – Bacon
03/02/2015 at 9:12 am
So funny! I’m glad you were there to chronicle this event. Your dad should go out and get more wine. It may help with any leftover soreness. (Put the wine in the mouth not on the leg)
03/02/2015 at 11:29 am
Snorts. Amen. A voice of reasoning you have my friend. Brilliant advice. I think mom does need more liquid encouragement to get over the pain. XOXO – Bacon
Molly The Wally
03/02/2015 at 9:37 am
Not a fan here. Sounds far too painful. Have a marvellous Monday.
Best wishes Molly
03/02/2015 at 11:29 am
I highly recommend fur…. and keeping it! XOXO – Bacon
03/02/2015 at 10:10 am
Are you kidding me? I would never try a product out where you have to RIP it off your body parts! No thank you! I hope you can recover from this traumatic event. I would go hairy from now on!
03/02/2015 at 11:32 am
Hair is really overrated. So mom’s legs are covered. They match mine – what’s the problem, right? Snorts and rolls with laughter. XOXO – Bacon
03/02/2015 at 12:41 pm
Our Mommy does not like hairy legs in the summer and she shaves all the time! I guess it is the stubble she does not like.
03/02/2015 at 1:43 pm
Nods head. I think my mom is the same. I think ya’ll need to start a trend. Hairy legs unite! snorts and rolls with laughter. XOXO – Bacon
03/02/2015 at 12:41 pm
Hahahahaha I feel for your Mum Bacon,but I had My full legs done ,my armpits done and my bikini line done,my friend was a trainee and need a body to do her assessment on,well the legs wasn’t to bad and neither was the armpits now you would think that would bad but no the bikini line…..OMB never in 10 hells of crap will I ever have that done again!And women have a Brazilian done….are you kidding me?Hell no!!!!! anyway end up with a big purple bruise on one side and let me tell you it was the whole side and the deepest shade of purple I have ever seen and it was there straight away too no need to wait for it to develop!!! never again!but the legs was fine that I would do again….hahaha more wine please!xx Rachel
03/02/2015 at 1:45 pm
Snorts and rolls with laughter! You are brave my friend. Very brave. Mom just tried the two patches and of course an entire bottle of wine. Women that have a Brazilian done or less… HA! They need a medal for bravery because mom says quote, “There ain’t no way in HELL!” XOXO – Bacon
03/02/2015 at 10:32 pm
Oh dear! Tell Mom I had a similar experience prior to snorkeling in Fiji. Tell her “long story short, I went with an un matching bikini line” ❤
03/03/2015 at 9:42 am
Snorts and rolls with laughter. Oh my piggy heavens! XOXO – Bacon
03/03/2015 at 12:54 am
OMD! That was just awful! What is it with these hoomans and their hair fetishes?
Wally & Sammy
03/03/2015 at 9:43 am
I’m not sure my friends. But I do know one thing. I like my hairy parts – all of them. Snorts and rolls with laughter. XOXO – Bacon