Spring Harvest – Oh Dear Piggy Heavens!

Friends – friends – friends.  I’m shaking my piggy head.  It was quite the weekend here at the Hotel Thompson.  OMPH (oh my piggy heavens)!  My mom – sometimes there is just no help for her.  Really.  I’m not exaggerating.  Really I’m not.  You see she is feeling so much better.  Her cough is almost completely gone as well as the bruises she got in the emergency room from her IV’s a couple of weeks ago.  She has energy and strength.  I’m telling you all of this to set you up for what happened.  Wait for it – you won’t regret it I assure you.

You see mom also signs up for this business that send her different products to try out.  It’s all free of charge.  She tries the products out, writes up some reviews on if she liked/didn’t like it, etc.  Well she got one in the mail a couple of weeks ago for a waxing product.  Now guys and fellow anipals, waxing products are to remove hair.  Spring is coming up and mom says it was time for the Spring Harvest.  You see where I’m going with this now?  Snorts and rolls with piggy laughter.

On Saturday’s mom and dad go out for their hot date – oohhh.  So mom decided that Saturday morning she was going into the bathroom with her product, the instructions and a glass of wine.  Something about doing her legs.  I’m looking down at my legs and I think personally they look wonderful with hair.  Don’t you agree as well?  These humans are weird.  Okay I admit these hairy legs aren’t my mom but hers are not that bad.  Probably about the same.  She says it’s something about being winter and wearing long pants that no one sees.  Shakes head – I don’t understand that.

So we all hung out in the living room watching television.  Then we heard some bumps.  Then we heard some grunts.  Then we heard, “You got to be kidding”.  Then we heard the door open and she called for daddy.  Then daddy went to the bathroom, went to the kitchen and returned with more wine.  Then we heard four lettered cuss words.  Then we heard a loud bang.  You see I’m telling you all of this from OUR point of view.  After a while, mom came out stomping and cussing – bottle of wine in hand (I’m not sure what happened to the glass) and disappeared into her room to do her ‘write-up’ she called it.  I snuck in her bedroom later when her and dad went out and copied this off of her computer.  Oh dear piggy heavens – I’ll take my hairy legs any day!

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Dear XYZ Company,

In a word, NO.  NO I don’t recommend your product.  NO I would never, absolutely never use it again. I can not recommend it.  I will not recommend it. Why do you ask?  Because I know you want details, so here you go.

I’ve been sick lately and I’ll give you that the instructions said to make sure the hair was grown out enough to see.  Check I have that down pact.  People get waxing professionally done all of the time – I’m a big girl.  I can do this!    I took a glass of wine into the bathroom, got as comfortable as humanly possible on the porcelain throne and read further.  It stated to take the stick swish it through the gel in the bottle and to slowly spread in an even pattern small enough where you could then apply the wipe.  Seemed safe enough.

Sip of wine for encouragement.  Stirred the product with the stick.  Then proceeded to spread the product on my leg in a place in the front lower portion.  Something I could ‘try’ out at first.  It spread smoothly – like butter.  I thought so far so good, I’ll go ahead and do a small part on the other leg.  Then I took a ‘wipe’ smoothed in on top of first leg and slowly stroked back and forth until even.  Once done, I did the other leg in the same way.

I felt pretty proud of myself.  I took another sip of the wine.  I then read further in the instructions.  “Hold down one corner and in a quick fashion, pull towards you.”  Uumm… WTF?  Basically your telling me to rip off the bandaid.  This may be a problem.  I didn’t think about the pain level.

I took another sip of the wine and finished the glass.  So there I was stuck on the throne with two evil ‘wipes’ on both legs tossing around the possibilities of what to do.  You know those white wipes really wouldn’t be noticed if I left them there.  I almost look as white as them.  Then I thought about fungus growing up under them with the ‘product’.  I decided to call in for back up.

Once the hub unit brought me the entire bottle of wine, I forwent the glass and just chugged out of the bottle.  It’s now or never I thought.  I picked up the corner of leg A, held down the bottom part of my leg and just ripped.  That’s right I said ripped.  Ripped because that’s what if felt like I was doing – ripping my entire leg’s first layer of epidermis away.  Holy hell!  Are you guys kidding me?  Hobbling on one leg, bouncing around and praying to the Gods above to just come and take me right there.  I took another swig of wine and that’s when I lost my balance falling into the bathtub hitting my head.

I didn’t even care!  Mr. Grim Reaper could come for me now because I was so close to death.  In fact, then again he might not want to mess with me because I’m in so much pain.  I looked down at my other leg.  Oh dear God, what have I done?  I actually cried at the pain which was worse than pulling fingernails off of my hand.

There was only one choice to make.  Rip the other one off, get over the pain, get MORE wine and never, absolutely NEVER EVER use waxing products again.  Do you understand what I’m saying?  If you EVER send me another waxing product, you will know first hand what it’s like because I will do your leg whether you are man or woman.  Capice?