Dear Bacon… Issue 4

Thank you so much for the questions and pictures that you are sending in to the Dear Bacon column.  I’m getting enough for a weekly column now – YAY!!  Remember, send your questions and/or pictures to me at BaconThompson@gmail.com

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Dear Bacon,

I think I’ve found a new career for myself.  I absolutely love wrestling bro.  I’ve got a move that I like to refer to as the Butt Kisser.  I get my opponent down and sit on his face.  Sometimes I get excited and well a little air is exchanged if you know what I mean.  What do you think – I got a career or what?  Signed Butt Kisser

Dear Butt Kisser,

You definitely got some moves pooch.  I’m not even going to ask how many so-called friends you tried this move on in your neighborhood.  What do you see some fellow canines walking down the street, chase after them, sit on their faces and expel gas?  What is your street name there again?  Running Gas Bomb?  Bully the Butt?  Come on – back off the moves.  Unless you’re in the arena actually wrestling, I think I’m safe to say that your fellow canines don’t appreciate what you’re doing. 

Dear Bacon,

Oh man, I’m like so excited man.  I love coke man.  The more the merrier man.  I don’t care where it comes from – I must have it little man.  What am I to do? – Signed High on Coke Man

Dear High on Coke Man,

Back up from the straw little squirrel.  Go ahead, no walk away.  You are so hyper that given a hamster wheel you could make enough energy to put GE out of business.  You don’t need the stimulants.  You need a 12 step program.  One day at a time.  Admission is the first step.  You can do it!

Dear Bacon,

I love to cook!  My passion is cooking!  I don’t care about chasing the post man or milk man – I’d rather cook for them.  My parents don’t know about this.  Secretly at night, I go into the kitchen and act like Julia Child.  It’s so much fun!  Of course, I clean everything up before the master gets up.  Should I come out of the closet? – Signed Chef on the Download

Dear Chef on the Download,

Dude, if you can cook – come out of the closet.  Don’t walk – RUN!  I’m sure your parents would enjoy being waiting on by their dog for a change.  Just remember basics like washing your paws okay.  Practice on and maybe you can get on Hell’s Kitchen next year!

Dear Bacon,

I hate my job.  You know those pesky people who call you from credit card companies trying to collect money?  That’s me.  (Hey, it happens!  You know there’s a talking bear movie fixing to come out called Ted.)  We do collections.  Well, I hate calling people and trying to collect money.  I may look all cute and everything but my voice is really deep like Samuel Jackson so they hired me for the job.  But, I’m not like that.  I want a new job.  What should I do? – Signed Collector with a Big Voice

Dear Collector with a Big Voice,

Little dude, there is a special place for your work kind.  Not talking specifically about you in general but your trade.  Why don’t you find something that you like.  I’m sure there are a lot of different phone positions for a breed of your disposition.  Try some different telemarketing jobs until you find something you like.

 

A Little Under the Weather

It was bound to happen.  This morning I was eating my mixture of piggy pellets and cheerios.  I was down to my last nibble and I got choked.  I’ve gotten choked in the past but this was different.  I didn’t know what to do.  I couldn’t catch my breath.  Mom gets on the floor to help me.  What do I do?  I walk over to her, jump in her lap and throw up all over her. 

 

I’ve never thrown up before in my 9 months.  Things  aren’t suppose to come out there – only in.  My little body starts shaking.  I’m scared – mommy hold me.  Mom cleaned me up, pulled off her clothes and grabbed a clean blankie to wrap us both up in.  She then held me and rocked me until I started feeling a little better.  She didn’t complain one time about me being sick or upchucking all over her.  She should get an award or something like that. 

After mommy rocked me to sleep, she put me down in my bed for a nap.  She left daddy specific instructions on how to take care of me and to watch me today for any further signs of being icky.  She’s already called home once and checked on me.  What a swell mom!  So, it looks like I’m going to be down for the day in bed.  I can’t do much.  Mommy says I need my rest so I can feel better when she gets home from the worky place.  Daddy is going to fix me some chicken soup later.  I wonder what that is?  It sounds delicious – it has chicken it has to be good!